


Do You Dream of Me?

by ruruie



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Arasaka is evil and bad, Beach Sex, Character Death, Corpo V (Cyberpunk 2077), Dream Communication, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Horror, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'll tag when we get there, Just know V is losing it, Medical Experimentation, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Slow Burn, The Devil Ending (Cyberpunk 2077), Unreliable Narrator, Vaginal Sex, and yet here I am offering a delicious, but not permanent because I'm soft, call me the court jester because I cannot be stopped unless I'm banished, flavored with, fuck it I fixed all the endings, graphic ass nightmares, guess who forgot to tag the smut until two chapters later, honk honk it's your local clown, it's suuuuuper tame, oh I forgot, though the sand isn't really sand so no worries there, who thought she'd only be posting one more long fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 55,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29593386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruruie/pseuds/ruruie
Summary: V, from the world of opulence and corporate greed, believes she knows how to play the game. Make those above her bow down. Johnny, well aware of what making a deal with corps is like, warns her against taking Hanako's offer to no avail. Trapped in orbit, losing her sanity, only able to communicate with Johnny in her dreams, she needs to leave, but the layers of hurt, the drugs pumped into her by Arasaka, and her dwindling sense of self make this a far more difficult task than it should be.
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/Female V, Johnny Silverhand/V
Comments: 260
Kudos: 133





	1. Dimmed by scarlet morning red

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Beammeupbroadway](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beammeupbroadway/gifts).



> Straight up the brain child of mine and Beammeupbroadway, only we know where this pain train is going, and we're offering free seating to ride with us. ravenstrange has a compulsory ticket. 
> 
> The companion song for this fic is _"Do You Dream of Me?" by Tiamat _and it's an absolute fucking JAM.__

Downfalls rarely start with a bang. They happen slowly without the slightest hint of recognition. Hidden in plain sight, so innocuous that the person wonders if they are really falling to rock bottom or not. V’s downfall came with the sound of a piano, playing a melody she had long pushed out of her mind, though her fingers twitched to play it.

The unfortunate reality of this meeting, whether she or Johnny wanted to admit it or not, was that she and Hanako came from very similar places, right down to the very corporation she was a part of. V, from the world of corporate scheming and opulence – Hanako its ring leader. She knew this game, and she had to play her part. Posh, polite, demure.

Sitting at that bar, Johnny close to her, she wanted to reach over, grab the hand nearest to her on the bar top. But she doubted that was both appropriate or allowed in general. Close as they were, nothing between them gave her any indication that physical touch on her terms was okay in this moment. After all, she was his “corpo cunt,” and now she was tangling with the enemy. Every word out of his mouth up to this point aggressive and pointed her way. Disappointment coursing through her, and she knew it wasn’t her own.

Mind games the both, corporate trained, never speaking their true intentions. Hanako wanted revenge on her brother, V wanted to live. Plain to see, but their reasoning behind it all was never spoken aloud. But out of this V got some vital information – Arasaka, Hanako, was willing to help, but also where Mikoshi is. Things that would help her and Johnny make a choice at the end.

“Know how to play this porcelain cunt like a fiddle, V. Maybe all that trainin’ is finally servin’ you well. Didn’t do shit on the streets, but damn. Got fuckin’ Hanako Arasaka to lay out all her cards.” A sip to the drink in front of her hid her smirk, flattered that Johnny was proud of her. He was so on edge the entire time, and she was glad something gave him comfort. Gave her some too.

“Gonna lay out one of my cards – one of my terms. Ready to hear it?” The question was spoken aloud, but it was directed at both of the parties in her line of sight. Johnny just huffed, but that was a “yes” from him if she was ever going to get one. Hanako was silent, but her slight nod was enough to let V know to continue. “If I go to this board meeting, testify that I saw your brother off your dad, I need something in exchange. I want you to save Johnny – the construct. He’s not wiped, not destroyed. Kept safe. Those are my terms.”

The creases in Hanako’s forehead deepened, eyebrows raised in slight surprise. “You want nothing else?” V shook her head. “What you are asking of me is something that I do not wish to do.”

“And I don’t want to testify at an Arasaka board meeting. As I’m sure you’re well aware, those never go well for me. So if you want my help, you have to save Johnny.” Another sip of her whiskey, and she darted her eyes over to Johnny, hands tapping at the bar, anxious energy. She didn’t need to hear what his opinion on the matter was, knowing well he didn’t want to be on the chess board, played as a pawn. But he truly underestimated what could be done with a pawn placed correctly.

“I will consider offering a way for you to keep the construct safe with Arasaka’s help. Allow our scientists to inspect what the construct has done to you, and provide solutions. But only in exchange for your promise to testify. Speak of Yorinobu’s crimes. After you have done that, I will make sure your wishes are honored as best they can.” Hanako’s face was beginning to distort, ringing in V’s ears telling her she had to cut this conversation short.

“Offer’s intriguing. Need to think about it.” Ringing getting louder, V could feel the blood pooling in her mouth, mixing with the whiskey, stinging as it went down her burning throat. Another look to Johnny, and he seemed scared.

“Naturally. But think quickly.” Display giving her a warning, she wanted to cut Hanako off, but she knew she couldn’t. Sooner die than cut off the person with the most to offer in this situation. The most power, realistically. “Yorinobu is on high alert after the parade. He may harbor suspicions.”

“Let’s fly the fuck outta here.” Johnny cut in, and V couldn’t agree more, but if she moved now there was the high probability she would lose the meager dinner she had before coming up here, knowing even if food was served she wouldn’t be permitted to eat it. Would show she was from the lower class, and that would look bad.

“V? Do you feel alright?” She expected Johnny’s voice to be pleading with her to leave again, but instead Hanako addressed her with concern. 

“Huh?” Faltering, V swayed a little on the stool she was seated on, relieved when Johnny gripped her arm to keep her upright. 

Hanako brought her golden fingers to her nose, eyes squinted at V. “You are bleeding.”

Vision going red, Johnny fading in beside her, V brought her hand to her face, trying to wipe the blood. “Fuck...” Another quick wipe, keeping the blood from spilling on the floor. Arm on her back, V felt safe enough to move, just a little, not before hearing Hanako speak to her again.

“It seems you are running out of time. Don’t delay, make your decision.”

Another notification, head spinning, at least Johnny was nice enough to help keep her stable as she tried to walk out with her head high. “Agh...I’ll think it over...” And that she would, hearing that Hanako would give them Arasaka’s resources to help save them both. It was more than she could have hoped for, and damn it was tempting. Familiar with what that world could do, she knew if that promise was kept there was likely a way to find some happy ending to this whole mess.

“You could use some air. Right now.” She nodded weakly at Johnny’s suggestion, slowly making her way to the elevator, willing her legs not to give out. For the first time in a while, she was thankful Johnny wasn’t physical. No one could see her leaning against the construct in her mind. A cough before the elevator, and she booked it to the open doors, barreling inside.

Button pushed, hand beside the screen, and she couldn’t stand. Everything felt faint, wrong. Like she wasn’t in her body anymore.

“I warned you.” Her left hand was raised, Johnny’s right, mirroring the other, his voice colder than it had been in a long time.

“Wh-what’re you doin’?” Finger pressed a button to lock the doors, Johnny’s control of her let up, and she fell to the ground, eyes rolling back a minute before she composed herself.

“What am I doin’? I’m showin’ you what it’s like to feel fuckin’ trapped. Asked you. Warned you. But you’ve insisted on not givin’ a shit.” He sat down across from her, V still lying on the ground. “Now this porcelain cunt’s gonna use you in her fancy scheme.” More blood from her nose, and she wiped it, droplets escaping and still running down to the floor.

“I’ve always felt trapped, Johnny. Always...but I...” A cough cut her off, and her eyelids drooped for a moment, Johnny scurrying over to her, turning her so that she was on her back, facing up at him. “Didn’t give her an answer...If you’ve got any other ideas I’d love to hear ‘em, ‘cause right now she’s our only hope.” Only one who could, realistically, solve their problem. 

“Yeah, but I know what it’ll be. And I don’t fuckin’ like it. Not one damn bit, and it pisses me the fuck off.” Another glitch of her vision, strangled groan of pain, and Johnny stopped for a moment, not looking at her in anger. Still, he discussed talking to Rogue, storming Arasaka Tower. Futile attempt to get her to change her mind, knowing well Rogue didn’t have the resources, or the likely will, to help them. All while V felt more blood in her mouth, hacking it into the air, phasing through Johnny. “Shit...This one gonna be bad?” Weak nod, and their discussion of Embers was over. Trying to keep herself composed a moment longer, it gave Johnny time to hold her head, keeping her from slamming it when the Relic inevitably made her muscles contract.

This one was different. Red lines all through her vision, pain worse than she had ever experienced, and she only heard “V! V! C’mon princess, wake it up!” with his hands still behind her head, moving to cup her cheeks, before the world went dark. Everything cold.

The last time her hearing was this clouded was when she was a child, pillow brought to her head, covering her ears. But it was so dark...”Wha...Am I?” She had to be dead now...Had to be. At least if nothing else she was taken over by Johnny.

“Nah,” Johnny...his voice, “it’s not what you think. Not yet, anyway.”

She didn’t think they could communicate like this, when she was out. Though she supposed as the Relic took over more and more of her functions, even her dreams weren’t safe for the moment. “Guessin’ you feel it too...Death.” 

“Feelin’ somethin’, but it ain’t death. Worse than death, I think.” Voice fading, Johnny was gone from her for the moment.

Everything coming to, she was at Vik’s, telling her that he was stabilizing the Biochip. That she dragged herself here, pushing the patient off the table, demanding to be treated. So uncouth, Vik was sure to know that it wasn’t actually her. Through the pain, she smiled, growing wider when she heard Johnny whisper, “Tell him it was your guardian angel, princess.” Even when he knew she would be doing something he hated, he always had a soft spot for his little merc.

And that was the last she smiled for a while, listening to Vik painfully give her a death sentence. Telling her she had options, Johnny standing over the table that contained a few, guarded and tense. Didn’t help her weary bones or tired mind, hating that no matter what, she really wouldn’t have much time to think over any offer given. The one from Johnny to grab Rogue, the one from Panam, the one from Hanako, even the one presented by the gun on the table.

Misty led her to the roof, and they spoke of Jackie. They spoke of what it takes to make a choice, and V hoped Misty would somehow offer her another solution. But all she said to her was that it was time for V to do what she felt she could. Listen to the guidance she was given and go from there. Chair occupied by her tired body, Johnny sitting on the ledge of the rooftop, he talked to her about how he thought she was really done for, and all she could do was rest her elbows on her knees, stare at the ground beneath her. Couldn’t pull herself to call anyone to say goodbye, because who would she call? Only wanted to prolong this, spend more time on the precipice with Johnny, but she couldn’t even look at him to enjoy it. Just avoid it all for a little while longer. Because the only option that made sense was calling Hanako. The one option he hated above all. But V knew they had resources to help them both. Get them into a safe place, and she had so much to hold over them. She was the key to getting Yorinobu ousted, and Hanako was desperate to have that. And desperation led to horrible choices, and V hoped it would make Hanako willing to pull all the strings she could to save them. Save him. Place him somewhere where he didn’t have to be erased from existence, and V could go in and grab him later when she wasn’t a rotting corpse, dug out from the trash.

Harder to do when Johnny’s boots came into view, his hand on her shoulder.

“You’re thinkin’ of callin’ ‘er, aren’t you? Out of all the fuckin’ options and --”

“It’s not an easy choice, ya know! I don’t wanna go with Hanako, but it’s better than riskin’ the lives of all our friends...” It was his organic hand, but the grip was so tight it may as well have been his metal one.

“Of course you’re gonna do this. Once a suit always a suit. Ya know, I thought I helped you see all the evils that corp can do. What it takes from people and never gives back. Got Hanako to give us all we needed, you had her eatin’ outta your palm, and now you’re the one feedin’ from hers. Never able to hold onto anythin’, always needin’ someone to tell you what to do. Like the damn dog you are. Woof, woof.”

“You’re so fucking condiscending! I’m the one with all the power here! She’s still eatin’ from my hand, asshole! She has nothing without me. If I don’t stroll in there then what do you think will happen, huh? They believe her? Doubtful! Like you said, ‘once a suit always a suit.’ They’ll trust me and they’ll help me…” Still standing above her, V saw as his foot started to tap in agitation. 

“You think they’re gonna treat you any different than some dirtgirl or Nomad scum? All ‘cause you lived that life once? Ain’t you now, V.” But his hand stayed there, gripping tighter, his legs bending so that he was face to face with her. Angry, hurt. Mostly hurt. Betrayed. “Right now you’re housin’ their prized possession. Gonna use you and throw you back in the landfill another Arasaka exile dug you out from. Corps ain’t got morals, they --”

“This isn’t about fucking morals, Johnny. This isn’t about anything other than the fact we’re runnin’ outta time, and this is the best shot we have. What? You think Rogue’s gonna know how to extract you from my brain? You think anything good is gonna come from contacting your ex, who hates you? Think she won’t fuck us over too? And I can’t ask the Aldecaldos for help! How many times have I fucked them over too!? This isn’t about morals – I want to save lives...Our lives. Your life...” Pleading with Johnny was almost always useless. So stubborn. Even letting him know where her head was at was fruitless, that hurt look still on his face.

“Yeah, great thinkin’! Hand ‘em Johnny fuckin’ Silverhand on a platter! They’ll keep me alive, for sure.”

“They didn’t toss your ass into the digital garbage when they could’ve! Think they would now? When I’m savin’ their damn company!? Seriously, this isn’t about political ideals or your comfort! This is about what’s going to save us...” Eyes turning from him to the gun, she thinks for a moment that he would rather her shoot herself than talk with Arasaka. Maybe that’s the answer he really wants – the answer that’s right. Hand taken from her shoulder, he placed it on her cheek to turn her face towards him, all the ire and hurt still there.

“You know what, fuck you. You’re a fuckin’ coward through and through. Go crawlin’ back to ‘Saka, even after all we’ve been through. Thought we had somethin’, V. Guess not. Just pop some fuckin’ blockers so I don’t gotta watch.” Cold composure still on her face, she shook her head, hiding the hurt those words did. Johnny was her closest companion, knew things that most people didn’t. Was there for her, and she was there for him. Even if that meant making a call he didn’t like. She had their best interest in mind, and she’d back out if that wasn’t met.

“I’m not gonna do that. Want you to see Hanako make the promise to me. Ease your damn mind, ‘ cause I’m telling you...It’s the only chance we got. But, all hinges on Hanako making sure you’re safe.”

“Pop the fuckin’ blockers! Not watchin’ you talk to that porcelain cunt. Not watchin’ you give up everythin’ we ever fought for.” Movement in her limbs, Johnny was taking over again, forcing the blocker between her lips, dry swallowing it like she always did. The blockers never acted instantly, but she could feel him slipping. Sinking to her knees from the chair, she pulled him into the first hug they ever shared, wanting him to know she meant it when she spoke next. Neither liked touch, neither ever moved to touch the other unless necessary, and V felt it was needed now. Give him her own kind of promise the best way she knew how.

“I’m doin’ this for us, Johnny. For you...I just have to make a deal with the worst type of people to do it...” He sucked in a breath, allowing her to hold him for a moment before pushing her off him. V just sank back, watching as he faded from her, final parting words thrown her way.

“If you were doin’ this for us, for me, you’d be callin’ Rogue. But nah, you’re gonna lead us right to Arasaka. Just hope it works out for you, ‘cause nothin’ good’s gonna happen to me.” Turning towards her, he gave her the saddest look she had ever seen. Worse than when he gave her that pitiful look at the Pistis Sophia. “I’ll be seein’ you, V.”

Gone now, V pulled the tags from under her shirt, rubbing them between her fingers as she made the call to Hanako. She was doing this for them, and when she saw Johnny next he’d know. Because she wouldn’t let them wipe him, and he could do all the bitching and moaning he wants.


	2. Silent sweeps as golden corn

V held up her end of the bargain. Hanako held up hers. Johnny wouldn’t be wiped, V wouldn’t be killed. In fact, out of all the people involved in the end game plan, Hellman ended up as the one who was the most pleased about all of this, the agreement hinging on the fact that V would go with him to the Arasaka clinic in space. To be observed. Saburo was involved, as was Yorinobu. Events that took place before she was whisked off to space, hidden from the world. Surrounded by white walls and people with clothing to match. Everything was white.

In order for their experiment to work, she was pumped full of medication. Johnny was still in her head, but he was blocked from her, similar to the omega blockers she took on the surface. She couldn’t see him, couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t even feel him inside her. It was like he was erased, in essence, even if he was still in her head. She knew he was, as the chip was still there. Only one day in, and she was pacing in her room. She didn’t sleep that first night, afraid to close her eyes. No windows, no reminders of home, nothing in her room but her anxiety over not being able to see Johnny. Let him know they were safe. See that he was still in there, not in some dormant stasis, floating in her head like he did in Mikoshi.

Hopeful, naive, she felt that maybe there was a chance this was a week long trial. To see what drugs affected the Relic and how. She would be let go, and they could start over again. Maybe they were buying time to see how to remove Johnny without shredding him, as was the original plan. Trust. Everything hinged on trust, and she didn’t have a choice but to place it with Arasaka. No way to walk out the front door. She wished she had placed her trust with Johnny.

She could only think of Johnny. The piece that was missing.

In the morning Professor Kusama came in. She sat in the chair beside the bed and guided V to lie down. Doing as she was told, V reclined back, the first time she relaxed the entire twenty plus hours she was there. “You did not sleep. You must sleep. Having your brain in full working order is of the utmost importance.” Her disappointed sigh made V avoid her stare. “Regardless, we will continue with the tests. First, use your Kiroshi scanners to read the text on the screen.”

Activating her scanners, V read the text with ease, a short passage that took no time at all, even if she had to keep blinking to stay focused. Next, the cube. Solved, handed back, notes being taken. V still couldn’t meet her gaze, looking around the white walls instead.

“Please link yourself to the device.” Commanded, V obeyed, jacking in her personal link. “Higher-order representation formation – initiating test. The patient is ready to be examined.”

“What’re these tests meant to...test?” Kept in the dark, V had no idea what was happening to her and why, but the second round of tests now, and she was growing concerned. She couldn’t remember much from the first round, drugs given to her after they were completed, but she could only assume they were similar. Likely another round of drugs to be administered after this series of tests as well.

Kusama refused to answer, just calibrating the device. Typical. But, she wasn’t treated with the normal callous nature that most subjects were treated with, Kusama at least being polite with her instead of with frigid authoritarianism. “Respond to the key words – no thinking. Just the first word that comes to mind.” Compliance from V, and they began. Kusama first gave the word, then V responded in kind.

“Journey.”

“Odyssey.”

“Home.”

This made V pause, the first word in her mind “Johnny...” but she was afraid to say it. Instead, she chose “Night City.”

“Enemy.”

“Death.”

“Principle.”

“Johnny.” Said without thinking, but he was the one out of the pair with the stronger convictions, evident by her placement on the chair.

“Betrayal.”

Another pause. She felt a sting right behind her ear. The first sign of something. “Johnny?” Calling out to him, but it was taken as her answer. An old habit now, even if she only had them for a short amount of time, V reached for the tags from Johnny.

They weren’t there.

“I-is the test done?” Stuttered out, and Kusama shook her head, continuing on.

“You’re in a cornfield --”

“My tags! Where are my tags!?” The volume of her voice scared V, the one who uttered them. Rubbing the skin around her neck, she tried to search for where the chains would hang, but found nothing. Her pendant was gone too, but she was more worried about the tags.

“Calm down. As was explained when you arrived, everything taken up here had to be incinerated.” V couldn’t process that before Kusama continued, more interested in this line of questioning than her own preset questions. “Do you not remember?”

“No! You’re lying! I would have never let anyone take those tags!” Flooding back to her, fingers pressed to her temples, V recalled the fight with the guard, needing to use a sedative to wrestle the tags from her. They really were gone...And she didn’t remember such an important thing. It had to be the sedatives, but it still worried her. Silent panic, V stared off into space, not hearing that Kusama spoke more on the cornfield. The lack of response must have triggered Kusama to act, V feeling her hands on her, but not responding. All she wanted were the tags.

The stab of a needle.

_In focus, the world around V was familiar. The No-Tell Motel. Standing outside of room 402. No control, she opened the door. Familiar neon abounded, bathing her in seedy light, the smell of the room that of smoke. ___

____

“Shoulda never let you walk outta your apartment. Really shoulda made you stick that iron in your mouth. Damn corpo cunt. Straight into the belly of the beast.” Johnny was standing there, smoking the cigar that Deshawn did on that fateful night. Smoke blown in her face, fire laden tip dangerously close to burning her as he pulled it from his mouth. “All you ever knew was lickin’ boots and kissin’ ass. Suckin’ up to ‘Saka even when they long since dumped you. For what, V?”

____

V couldn’t speak, her mouth sewn shut, only looking at Johnny in fear. “Bathroom, over there. Go wash your face, corpo cunt.” She shook her head, slow at first, then faster as Johnny grabbed her by her hair.

____

“Bathroom. Go wash your face. Got blood on it. Take a guess – mine or Jackie’s?” He laughed, cigar above her head, sprinkling ash in her hair beside the hand firmly gripping it. “Disgustin’. That’s all you are. Vile bitch who throws her friends in the trash. Now go wash that blood. Take some responsibility for once.”

____

Looking down as she walked, she was dressed in the Militech suit, blood all over the front. Quivering lips, shaking breaths, she crossed the threshold to the bathroom, unable to turn on the sink. Water poured from it without her touch, dark red, thick. She dipped her hands in, splashing it on her face, but it ran clear as it touched her skin. In the mirror she looked the same as she did that day. Numb. Eyes devoid of color and emotion.

____

A knock on the door. “Hurry it up, corpo cunt. Got somethin’ waitin’ for you.” She knew what it was, no surprise there. “Fuckin’ c’mon! Or are you gonna be a coward now too!? Hidin’ in there. Not like I can’t open the door. I just wanna see what the fuck you’re gonna do! ‘Cause you’re always runnin’ and hidin’, bitch! I’m the one fuckin’ thing you can’t escape! Doesn’t matter how many drugs ‘Saka pumps you full of, you’ll never be rid o’ me!”

____

Swallowing thickly, V’s legs moved, door sliding open, Johnny leaning against the door frame, Deshawn’s gun in his hand. Cool metal on her forehead, right where the bullet hole went originally, she held her breath waiting for the pop. But it took too long, and she had to exhale. As she did, he muttered, “Betrayer. That’s all you are,” before the bullet lodged in her skull.

____

_Trash. Piles and piles of trash. A silver arm next to her, decayed and rotted flesh attached. A skull with aviators. And V couldn’t move. ___

______ _ _

______ _ _

“Professor Kusama told me that you do not remember arriving at the lab. Tell me, V, do you believe you have lost anything from your long term memory?” Hellman pushed up his glasses, seated in front of V in the small interview room she awoke to. She couldn’t remember the past few hours after she was woken up, the sedative she was given being counteracted by another drug. It left her with no working short term memory, but she was able to still recall things about her past.

______ _ _

So she shook her head, still feeling like her mouth was sewn shut. Burning in her skin with a headache like she had never felt before. Blankly, she stared into Hellman’s face, but she didn’t really see him, looking right through him.

______ _ _

“Can you tell me what your parents names are?” She told him, but she found it hard to move her lips. He asked her if they were alive, and she answered, tight lipped and blank. “Good. Now, I want to know how your brain is doing. I’m going to jack in.” V just nodded, flinching slightly when he touched her, but didn’t do much else. Seeing the loading bar in front of her, it was over a lot quicker than she expected, the jack pulled out and slotted back in his arm. “Interesting. May I ask – have you spoken to Johnny Silverhand --”

______ _ _

“No!” The nightmare came back, the mangled flesh on that metal arm in the landfill beside her flashing before her. Hellman seemed frightened by her sudden outburst, sitting back, crossing his arms.

______ _ _

“I see. No communication at all?” V shook her head, longer than necessary. “Everything looks good then. You have a few minutes, then Professor Kusama will be coming in to do more cognitive tests.” He stood, fixing his suit that had wrinkled in certain places from sitting. Time was just a theory to her, and V is unsure how long she remained seated in that room before she was collected, the same guard each time, leading her back to her room.

______ _ _

Barefoot, the floor was cold beneath her. Patting from her feet was the only noise in the room, pacing in circles as she tried to sort what was happening. Regaining her sanity slowly, she realized she felt so guilty about turning Johnny over to Arasaka. Betrayed him. Side effect of the drugs, she sure, the vivid nightmares a manifestation of that guilt.

______ _ _

Up side to all of this is she wasn’t having the malfunctions anymore. Nothing that disrupted her day. She almost didn’t notice it until she realized she hadn’t fallen on the floor, so instinctively staying away from corners and sharp edges. She didn’t have a need to anymore.

______ _ _

Sitting on the bed, she waited for Kusama to come in, ask her more questions, and then she could relax. She still felt empty, but she felt better. Knowing that it was just the drugs making her lose more and more of grip on reality – that likely they somehow stopped the biochip from overwriting her memories. That was the goal, right? It had to be. A week long trial, and they’d know. They’d help her. They’re helping her now.

______ _ _

“Solve the cube.”

______ _ _

Cube in hand, V began turning it, but it wouldn’t solve. She was frustrated, knowing the answer. Knowing she needed to turn it left, right, right, left, left, left, and finally right. She had done it twice now. It was easy. But the same pattern jumbled the squares even more. Hands shaking she kept turning. Turning. Turning. Turning. Squares seemingly switching sides.

______ _ _

“Waitin’ for you.”

______ _ _

_The cube was smacked away from her hand, everything snapping in front of her, reality breaking. The cube disappeared, she looked around. She was lying on her bed in her apartment, arm over her stomach, bandages on her body. Sweat pants, gray. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. ___

________ _ _ _ _

Johnny was beating his head against the wall, and V could barely sit up. It felt like her insides had been ripped out, her head throbbing. She knew this scene, knew how it played out, and she was waiting for Johnny to ask her for a smoke. But he didn’t. He took one out, coming over to sit next to her on the bed, still unable to move.

________ _ _ _ _

“So, this what you wanted, V? A moment of fuckin’ silence? Begged for it before. Always askin’ me to shut my fuckin’ mouth ‘cause I was talkin’ too much.” Opening her mouth, she realized she could this time, and she used to say the first thing on her mind.

________ _ _ _ _

“I don’t know what’s going on...” Looking around more, everything was changing. Objects that she collected on her adventures with Johnny in Night City fading in and out of existence. Heat waves around the corners of the room, almost telling her she couldn’t leave. And Johnny still had his blue glow, cigarette disappearing as he dropped it to the floor and stomped it.

________ _ _ _ _

“No fuckin’ shit you don’t. You still think ‘Saka’s tryin’ to help you! Take a good fuckin’ look, V! Havin’ damn dreams lucid enough I’m sure you’d wet the bed if you got up to take a piss. Think that’s natural?” He didn’t turn to look at her, just taking out another cigarette, the armored vest still on his body. Arm dirty from the blast. “Now that we got some more fuckin’ time, let me tell you somethin’ – I really thought you changed. I mean, fuck – ‘corpo cunt V’ woulda never downed a Kang Tao transport to get the motherfucker you’re lettin’ prod you like a frog in a 7th grade science class. But nah. Was that an act to placate me?”

________ _ _ _ _

Everything hurting too much, she couldn’t sit up to reach out to him, feeling Johnny’s hurt. Communicating with his construct again. In a way, she felt whole – like herself again. And with that came the bite that he gave her. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Johnny! They held up their end of the bargain! You’re still here, right? Haven’t been shredded or taken away...Just can’t talk to you normally, I guess.” The nightmare with Johnny taking the place of Deshawn popped into her mind. “This is you...right?” 

________ _ _ _ _

“’S me, princess.” She nodded, his tone changing for a brief moment, letting her know she was talking to Johnny. Maybe she was in the nightmare, but this Johnny was at least kinder to her. “But you really think ‘Saka is holdin’ up some bargain? That you’re bein’ kept here to help you? Wake up! You’re their fuckin’ lab rat.”

________ _ _ _ _

“Lab rat or not, I haven’t had a malfunction in over a day. I don’t cough up blood. I can walk down the damn hallway and my legs don’t feel like they’re gonna give out! I just...Look. Like I said on the roof, this isn’t about some political ideology! This is about me trying to save our lives! And I did! Both here!” Trying her hardest, all she could manage was to roll over, her whole body weighed down, someone opened her up and filled her flesh with rocks.

________ _ _ _ _

Johnny tapped his temple, cigarette dangling between the two fingers he used to do it. “Are you ‘here’, V? Think you’re fuckin’ losin’ it.”

________ _ _ _ _

“Why? ‘Cause I’m talking with you? Newsflash, I did that before. And yeah, my short term memory is affected, but I’m being pumped full of shit I don’t know the name of! This is normal.” Head burning, she finally got her arm to move, and her first action was to reach for the tags, wanting to hold them like she took to when they argued before. Gasping, the panic over the tags was back. “The tags! My tags! Johnny, they --”

________ _ _ _ _

“It fuckin’ matter? Does it? Shoulda never let you have ‘em. Thought you’d be on my side.” Standing up, he still didn’t face her, taking off the shades and holding them as he spoke. “But I guess the battlefield brings out the true colors in people.”

________ _ _ _ _

Gone. And she was alone in her apartment, weighed down by her choices.

________ _ _ _ _

_Misty’s. She was standing inside Misty’s. Spinning around, she only saw the Devil, card appearing around her. Plastered everywhere, from the walls to the floor, slowly overtaking the space until it consumed her fully. ___

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Jumping up, she was in the room again, white walls and shelves with meaningless decorations, in the bed. She must have fallen asleep naturally, waking up fully functioning. But she hung her head in shame, knowing that Johnny was hurt. Couldn’t even look at her.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Johnny? You there?”

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Nothing. She was alone. And so, so empty.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to add as author's notes to this one because this is so. Tonally different than my other stuff. And I feel wrong clowning. Even though my first instinct is to immediately start being an absolute goof. Anyway, the nightmares get more graphic and horrific, so like. Yeah.


	3. Do I have the force I need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Descriptions of a decaying body.

“Explain to me why you fear death.”

The tests were becoming more elaborate. Nothing was ever explained to her, but V could only guess that it had something to do with testing her own base personality, or at least where it stood now. Professor Kusama let slip the day prior that they were seeing if she was developing some sort of personality disorder. Which, if she wasn’t feeling so lost and empty, she would have laughed at. The whole damn Relic was a personality disorder. But, if they were going for a baseline, they were going to have a hard time gauging it.

“I don’t see how that’s relevant to our conversation. You were just asking me about my job with Arasaka before I was fired.” The longer she spent here, the more V felt her patience slipping. Even if it had only been three days, she refused to keep playing along with games she didn’t like. At the very least, she could maintain that corpo trained composure, not letting her tone give away how fucking pissed she was this woman was prying into her fears.

“I apologize. I can see it’s a touchy subject. Many people close to you have died, so I thought it was only natural to ask. Then, I will ask this: why do you want to save the engram on the biochip?” Kusama’s face never changed, that same horrible stillness to it.

V sighed, the only sign of agitation she let through, her little outburst the day prior still weighing on her mind. She couldn’t let that happen again. Showed too much weakness. But even this question was too personal, though she doubted she could get away with avoiding it. “Life is a precious thing, Professor Kusama. Not all should be allowed to keep it, but...The construct on this biochip...He does. A lot more than most people I know.”

“We’re done here for the moment. Rest, and I will be back later.” Rising from her seat, she walked towards the door, it sliding open with ease, closing when she was out of sight. Reclining back, V figured she should try and sleep. See if she could talk to Johnny. Feel less alone.

_Everything was dark. She knew she was asleep, dreaming, but she couldn’t see anything. ___

__“Takin’ a nap, so won’t be here long. Just fuckin’ hate hearin’ you talk to those people. Sound too fuckin’ formal. It ain’t you.” Johnny’s disembodied voice broke through the darkness. She couldn’t see him, no matter how much she looked around, but she could hear him. And he was smoking._ _

__“Well, unlike you – asshole extraordinaire – not everyone can be their authentic selves each wakin’ moment! You just pop in here to tell me I’m a bitch again?” V didn’t mean to be so on edge, but it was hard when the first thing he said to her was typical of their spats._ _

__“Actually, I did. Bitch.” And he was gone._ _

___In the void between wakefulness and sleep, V felt whole again. Like the part of her that was missing was slotted back in. Awareness only brought back the stark truth that she was, in fact, so tied to Johnny that she couldn’t live without him in her head. Even a small fight between them felt better than the void. ____ _

____The promise of more tests was never fulfilled. V suspected that they were just monitoring her behavior from some camera placed in the room. No matter how much she felt it, she was never truly alone, always a pair of eyes on her. Johnny implied in her dream the previous night that he could still see everything going on. Meaning that he was likely watching her now. But talking to him was risky, the other set of eyes likely monitoring whether or not she could communicate with him._ _ _ _

____Before, there was never a reason for her to speak aloud to communicate with Johnny, but now? With all the blockers and other shit coursing through her veins? She had the sneaking suspicion he couldn’t hear her thoughts just the same as she couldn’t hear his. So, she watched TV, keeping up with the news of the world. Biding time until she felt tired enough to sleep again so she could see Johnny._ _ _ _

____Horrible as it was, even if he hated her, she still wanted to speak with him. Not like they were ever on solid ground to begin with, but she formed a bond with him. A friendship. Shit, who was she kidding? Couldn’t read her mind, so she didn’t need to hide thinking of the fact she loved him. For so many reasons any relationship between the two could never go anywhere. Even if he wasn’t some chip in her fucking head, they were so different. And he resented each and every part of who she was, even if they were amicable at the end before the meeting with Hanako. More than amicable...Making things worse._ _ _ _

____Things said at a grave site, him bringing her to safety again and again, slowly but surely softening those edges, but she knew he still resented her. Had the life he hated. Had the life he never got to have, in a way. Never got to see the reality of what her childhood was like, and she was thankful he didn’t dig around more than he had to. Let that resentment linger, because it was easier than opening up more than she had to._ _ _ _

____He opened up to her. Let her see who he was deep down, even if she never returned the favor, and she loved it. Loved him all, even the part of him that spouted insults at her. The part that hated her now. She deserved that piece of him now, not the Johnny who treated her with some semblance of kindness._ _ _ _

____“– another dose of...” V didn’t hear the nurse come in, shaking her out of her thoughts as she was given a cup, various pills inside. She missed what she called them, but V took them without hesitation, swallowing them dry and chasing them with the water provided. A shot to her arm, and V barely felt the needle prick._ _ _ _

____“The new blockers will make you drowsy. If you feel the need to sleep, then sleep.” Packing up the supplies, the nurse turned to leave. “Any further questions?”_ _ _ _

____“Any other side effects I should know about?” Shaking her head, another figure dressed in pure white left the room, leaving V to sit there while the medicine took hold. True to the warning, she was growing drowsy, and she was glad for it. Relief. She’d see Johnny, even if he’d rip into her again._ _ _ _

_____Brigitte brought her to the Net the first time, some ploy for the Voodoo Boys to contact the infamous Alt Cunningham. Her first meeting with Alt had been an odd one, and she was determined to make it the last time they met face to face. But it was where Johnny begged for her life – wanted nothing more than for Alt to save her. And she had to think what made him suddenly so willing to give up his precious life for hers. He was selfish, narcissistic, crass, and most importantly he seemed to despise her. Yet there he was, begging to save her. ____ _ _ _

______Leaning against the railing was Johnny’s red form. She could move in this dream. The Net not its usual blue, but more vibrant, almost purple in hue, but it was still that same railing he was against when they spoke to Alt. Walking to him, she put her hand on his shoulder and he ripped it from her grasp. “My life really worth shit to you, V?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Why wouldn’t it be? I begged fuckin’ Hanako Arasaka to spare you! I...I made sure you stayed alive. Ain’t exactly happy about the way it turned out right now, but I’ll be let go at the end of whatever the fuck this is and we’ll maybe have a solution! I told you, this isn’t about morals! It’s about --”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She’s in the Delamain cab. The Net was gone, and so was Johnny. Blood on her hands, Jackie’s hand slotting the biochip into her port, grip on her shoulder as she watched him die again. But Delamain didn’t speak, his display never coming on. Everything in the cab was dark except for Jackie’s body, in perfect view. Flesh turning gray, eyes filming over, but his mouth moved. Open and closed like a fish, but nothing came out._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Johnny,” she couldn’t bring herself to call this body Jackie. Something told her it wasn’t. “Hanako kept her word...”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Finally, the mouth spoke, and as she thought, Johnny’s voice greeted her. “Lookin’ at you now – reminds me of the moment we met. Still see that same small-time merc with her head in the clouds.” Flesh expanded then retracted on Jackie’s face, eyes slowly sinking into his skull, shriveled and molded, but that grip on her shoulder was like a vice, slowly but surely getting tighter. “Haven’t changed a bit.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What? No...I’m different. I’m not --” V tried to move Jackie’s hand from her shoulder, the flesh peeling back as she did, exposing the rotted muscle, puss filled and crawling with maggots, but it still stayed on her shoulder. No movement._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Uncanny. Here I stand lookin’ at an old pic of myself back in the day.” Jackie’s cyberware was exposed through the flesh, pulling back against his skull, hair falling out as Johnny’s voice still came out. “Rogue, Alt, others...abandoned ‘em all. And now here’s you, abandonin’ me, adandonin’ yourself.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She wanted to sound tough, fight back against this nightmare, but the warm liquid pooling in the seat of the cab, leaking into her clothes, the continued rot, made her break. Yelling as she spoke, her usual composure long gone. “Got no right to judge me! I’m not --”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Couldn’t be more wrong. Biochip did more’n just blend our memories.” More and more bone was exposed on Jackie’s face the more and more Johnny spoke, cutting into her soul. The blood on her hands had long dried, but she still felt like they were slick. Clammy. “That line that kept V and Silverhand separate, well, faded a while back.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“How’s that give you the right to talk down to me!? To use Jackie to --” Pulling her in, Jackie’s face close to her own, she pushed it back on instinct, in fear, the flesh coming off in her hand, screaming as it turned to liquid. Maggots and flies coming from the open mouth with which the skull used to yell back at a louder volume, her screams still coming from her mouth, stinging in her throat, every word ringing in her ears._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m the V who mourns our pal Jackie! The V who was fuckin’ livid at Brigitte! I’m the V with the heavy conscience! I’m the V who claimed to care about me! The V who shed her skin and gave Saburo Arasaka the fuckin’ middle finger! The V who bested Adam Smasher in my name! And you!? Who are you!?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t know! I don’t know! I’m tryin’ to live! I’m tryin’ to save you, Jackie! Johnny! Fuck!” Shaking, she heard the bones of Jackie’s hand rattling beside her, nothing but a skeleton in a suit in front of her. “I’m V! I’m V! With all her memories ‘cause you didn’t take ‘em from me! All you gave me was a body bag to put myself in! And I still didn’t give up!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You sure about that?” Her shaking stopped, Jackie’s body whisked from the car, V feeling herself be pulled back, reappearing at the El Coyote Cojo, Jackie’s skull in her lap as she attended his ofrenda. Scanning the room, she knew all the figures. Mama Welles, Vik, Misty, Valentino members, Pepe, everyone. All with their backs to her. The skull, with Jackie’s cyberware still attached, mouth hanging open to speak, seated right in her lap, staying put on the couch. “And your will to fight? To tell Death to go fuck himself? Where’s that come from?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Voice shaking as she spoke, she couldn’t pull her eyes from the skull, even as a flash of silver entered her peripherals. “A-always ha-ad that...Tha-that’s who I am...”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s not. It never was. If it was, you woulda been stormin’ that tower, pluggin’ us into Mikoshi. So, how can you be sure? I mean, when you reach back, how can you be so sure whose memories you’re diggin’ into? Whose tenacity and vile bullshit you’re pullin’ from? Lives so different, yet all I see is me when you stare back. We’re a tangled web, you and me – one and the same.” Into dust the skull dissolved, leaving V to brush the remains off her pants as she stood, that silver flash moving across the bar._ _ _ _ _ _

______As she walked, she tried to tap the shoulders of each person in front of her, but no one turned to meet her. Cold, lifeless, leaving her behind. Making her way to Johnny, she grabbed his shoulder again._ _ _ _ _ _

_______The oil fields, sickly green and glowing, Johnny sitting with his head bowed, a noose hanging from it. V, stepping forward, trying to make her way to him. Final steps before she reached the metal they sat on that day, and she fell off a ledge, plummeting into the darkness. ____ _ _ _ _ _

________“Tell me about your childhood.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Two nights since she dreamed, the image of Jackie’s body playing over in her mind. Something in the new drugs was keeping her awake, never allowing her past REM sleep. It was noted in her chart, but the drugs took time to completely leave her system. She was tired, delirious, not really thinking through the questions she was asked. Speaking what came to her mind initially._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Born and raised in Night City. Lived there my whole life. House was small, my dad was in the military. I went to the best school in the area, and I don’t think that’s surprising given that I lived in North Oak. My parents...” V licked her lips, drawing in the bottom one, unsure of how to proceed. Her parents were high up in Arasaka, and they may not know about everything here, but she was still hesitant. “Gave me everything I ever wanted or needed. Didn’t matter if we were poor, ya know?” Picking at her nails, V felt her language slipping, clearing her throat, sitting up straighter to remain composed. No matter how tired, she needed to appear put together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Was your childhood happy?” Kusama was just asking routine questions, she knew, but it was so personal she wanted to shut the doors again, tell her to fuck off. But, she couldn’t. Not to the people helping her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes...” A lie. Her mother was abusive, her father neglectful. From the time she was a child she was groomed to rise in the ranks of any company she applied to, but she knew that Arasaka was where they wanted her. Have her take their places when they retired. She never understood the reasoning for wanting to sell your soul to a corp, but she supposed it kept food on the table. Born with a silver spoon, only ripped from her the six months prior to the heist. “Whose childhood isn’t? Easiest time to be alive. Things only get complicated as you get older.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Professor Kusama typed in her notes, and stood up to leave. She never said a word to V as she left, but today she turned to her. “I will be sending in Hellman to ask you some further questions. Please do not sleep while I am gone.” V must have looked tired for her to even add that in at the end of her statement, but she just gave a nod to Kusama as she left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Alone. Always alone now, and for two days she couldn’t speak to Johnny. Nightmares, the thought of her betraying Johnny, not understanding where he stopped and she began, when she so very much thought of them as two separate people; it plagued her. Johnny telling her that they were one in the same. Was she running from him now, held up in this clinic? Was it a relief she couldn’t feel how devastated he was by how she chose to go about this? Head in her head, knees to her chest, and she tried to think._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But everything was so cloudy, and all she could focus on was Johnny’s hurt. Her hurt. This isn’t what she wanted nor expected. She wanted to be offered an easy solution, a nice consolation prize for offering Hanako the throne of the Arasaka empire. Instead, she got nothing but a body full of drugs, a professor asking her personal questions she didn’t want to answer, Johnny’s cold shoulder, and Hellman, always fucking Hellman._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Professor Kusama has told me that your memory is continuing to slip.” He sat down in the chair that Kusama normally sat herself in, same pose he always had with his elbows on his knees. “Have you noticed?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“My memory is fine,” spoke with conviction, as she wasn’t forgetting things, mixing things up. All her memories were still her own, and she was starting to believe the Relic’s sole purpose was to fuck up her body and leave her close to flatlining from neural degradation. “I may have...lied. But, my memory is fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Leaning back in the chair, this pose told her that he was curious. “That may have triggered the response Kusama got on her screen...Tell me, this lie, it was a cover?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“If you’re asking if it’s a cover for something of Johnny’s, don’t worry – it’s not. I just don’t...like to talk about my childhood is all.” She still had her knees to her chest, and she wasn’t going to put them down. Not right now. “So, if that’s what you’re worried over, you shouldn’t be.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Satisfied, Hellman took his leave, glancing back at her before he left. Something was off, but V didn’t much care. Thoughts like strings, and the only one she could grab onto was the one that led her back to the ofrenda, the Net, the Delamain. Johnny yelling at her through the body of her dead friend. Two friends buried, and she was responsible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________The elevator in Embers, and V was lying on the floor, Johnny’s hands around her head. So tight she felt her skull would crack open. Then the pressure was let up, and she was just cradled there. Red lines from before she blacked out in her vision, but she didn’t feel the need to slip. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It...you?” Maybe it was that same naive personality, but she liked to think that the Johnny in nightmares wasn’t really him. That it was something made up in her mind, a manifestation of her own guilt making her confront her ills. Though, from that bitter taste in her mouth, the way he was glaring at her, she didn’t think that was the case. Still, she wanted to hear him call her something other than “bitch” or “corpo cunt.” To tell her that it was him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“’S me, princess. Can’t move – stuck with my hands on your head.” So the dreams were affecting him in similar ways...She couldn’t move either._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Here to yell at me again? Jus’ get it over with, Johnny. You’re hurt...I know...But I...I just wanted to do the right thing. Told me at the Pistis Sophia that I’d do what I think is right….And I...” She closed her eyes, in so much pain, her chest caving in from the pressure. So many mistakes in her life, and she thinks this is the biggest one. But she had to keep her eyes open. Look him in the eyes and face the consequences._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Not gonna yell at ya, V. Can’t hear what’s in your fuckin’ head anymore, so we actually gotta talk this one out. But shit, you really, truly thought this was the right call?” Nodding, and Johnny rolled his eyes, huffing. “Fuckin’ Christ, how dumb are you!?” V swallowed back the sadness bubbling up inside her. “Fuck, alright. Not gonna yell. I’m just...”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hurt. I know. I know that look, Johnny. Same one you gave me on the roof before this whole mess. But I...I’m sorry.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He laughed, sardonic and cold, but then softened his gaze, just sighing at the end. “You really apologzin’ to me? You never say sorry, princess.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Not usually, no...Neither do you, though you apologized to me once before. This is my turn. I really did think I was doing what was right. I wanted to save you so badly, I --”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Biggest mistake of your fuckin’ life, you know that? Fuck...you know it. I can see all the shit they’re doin’. It’s weird, ‘cause it’s through your eyes, but I can’t hear what’s in that head of yours. Can’t pop out and warn you that the Kusama bitch is purposely fuckin’ with you, or that Hellman can eat a dick.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________V closed her eyes briefly, opening them back to see that sad look on Johnny’s face. “Told me that...I was runnin’ from my problems. Think you’re right. Crawling back to ‘Saka was easier than askin’ Rogue to storm the tower, or gettin’ Panam to help me out. Now I’m just...stuck until they let me go.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“V...They aren’t --”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“They will. I’m of no use to them. Once they are finished with me, I’ll be gone. The week’s coming to an end, and they’re running out of drugs and questions. We’ll be free, and I promise I’ll call Rogue.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Oh...princess...”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________What other words could be spoken between them? She hurt him so badly. She felt it again, connected in a minimal way, but that hurt was so strong. His hurt always settled right in her throat, burning away at it like heartburn. A hole in her esophagus, and it made it hard to swallow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Hanako’s piano playing was nice, but V knew from experience that it was something she hadn’t done in a while. Notes beautifully arranged and timed, but her fingers looked awkward. All that was in her ears was the music, and she wanted to shut it off. Slam the piano shut. But there was no piano, only the dark void. Music, and there was no stopping it. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	4. Come down slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Parental abuse

The tests were becoming too routine, already knowing how to solve that fucking cube. She began to toss it away, refusing to even complete it, knowing damn well the solution by now. Besides, she understood they were seeing how her memory was holding up. Clearly, it was fine. All was fine.

“We know from your upbringing that you know how to play the piano, correct?”

Shiver running through her body, fingers seizing up, and she thought she was about to have a Relic malfunction. But no, it was just her natural response to the question. Deep breath in, out, in again, and out. “Yes. Best of my peers. Played daily from the time I was five until...Last year. Would you like me to play?”

Professor Kusama nodded. “Come with me.” The same guard greeted V as she left her room, walking down the halls to another room, outfitted with various musical instruments. Their purpose she didn’t know, nor could she ask. All she could do was sit on the bench in front of the piano.

“If you would, look at the music sheet. Do you know the composition?” The sheet before her was unlabeled, but she knew those notes by heart. It was Fur Elise, the most common thing to play on piano. Giving her answer, Kusama instructed her to play. And V did, warming her up her stiff fingers with the notes, her mind trying hard to block out the sound.

“Now,” the sheet music was removed, “play from memory.”

In and out. Deep breaths. V played it from memory, not missing a note. Another satisfactory test.

“We have sheet music to pick from, but is there anything else you can play from memory?” Kusama’s ever monotone voice asking her to do something so simple, yet so impossible.

“Yes...” Beethoven still on her mind, V cracked her knuckles. Deep breaths. In and out. In and out. No one would slam the top on her fingers if she messed up. There were no high stakes. Just to see if she was still her. She was still V.

Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata filled the room, slow and steady, built from years of muscle memory, its sad melody speaking to V in ways she had a hard time putting to words. Chills down her back and arms, she missed a note, but no one would know. Still, she wanted to pull her fingers back on instinct, avoid the slam. But she kept playing, holding her breath as long as she could while she played, only exhaling at the harsher slam of the keys. The full fifteen minute composition played, Kusama begging her to stop after the first five. There was no stopping once the song began, only playing it to completion ever the option, even if that sad tune was left behind in the middle, exchanging it for something more delightful. Then fast, frantic in opposition to her stiff thoughts. Fingers darting across the keys in expertise. In and out. Deep breaths.

Finally done, V slammed the fallboard down herself, turning from it. Blank stare given to Kusama, she asked the simple “Satisfied?” and Kusama only nodded, taking down notes. Only ever taking down notes. V got up herself, determining the test was over. Fifteen minutes of piano playing, and she was done. Nothing more. The guard took her back to the room with the white walls and meaningless décor. A nurse awaited her, this time with just an injection. Lying down on her bed, V waited for sleep to take her, hoping to at least get the piano music out of her head.

_Childhood. A time where most children collect toys and rocks, play with friends, spend summers outside. V had a room with “sensible” decorations and a grand piano in the middle. Her bed sheets were white. Everything else was a variety of blue and gray. Walls a lovely lilac, and she always loved that color._

“Again. V --” Her full name crackled through her hearing, and V looked down to see her fingers shorter, smaller, the middles red from the slam of the fallboard. “Play it again – no mistakes! Old enough to know how to do this!” Deep breath in, held, and V’s small fingers tapped the keys. Pinky not long enough, she missed, the fallboard crashing down again, hands pulled back quick enough to avoid the fall.

“Again! V –!” Again, her full name fizzled in, but she couldn’t hear it. It was dead to her. This time V played it with ease, never missing a note, her fingers growing longer, her stature getting taller. Room around her closing in, all was dark aside from the grand piano and sheet music in front of her. Eyes going from the notes to the keys, her hair was pulled, disembodied voice of her mother still in her ears. “V –! Eyes on the notes! Never on your fingers! Posture – this is about posture! All your peers are so much more talented than you are! Better than you! You’re making me look like an idiot with a fool for a daughter!” Long nails dug into her scalp, keeping her head upright, looking at the sheet music. Deep breaths. In and out. She couldn’t panic – it wasn’t becoming of her.

Closing in, the darkness swarming over the sheet music in tendrils, corrupting the notes of the song, everything distorted, her mother’s yelling in her ear, V tried to play the music as best she could. Keys turning into snakes, biting at her fingers. The shaking in her hands made it impossible to play, and she could see a hand, covered in bracelets and rings, but nothing above the wrist, came to slam the fallboard.

“V! Hands up, now!”

“Johnny!?” But her hands moved on her own, pulling them back before a silver hand slammed the fallboard. At its snap, the room came back into view, everything she remembered from it during her time in her childhood home. Elbows rested on the fallboard, V put her face in her hands, Johnny’s silver arm never letting up so that it couldn’t be opened again. “Johnny...move your hand. I gotta finish playin’ the --”

“Ain’t gotta play anymore – just leave it be.” Body beside her on the bench, he sat straddling it so that his hand was still holding the piano closed. Organic hand on her back, he kept speaking to her. “Sometimes I forget you can play the piano...Never brought it up...”

“Then how’d you know? ‘Fore now, anyway. Talkin’ like you already knew.”

“You have that nightmare with your mom a lot. Ends the same, with her bashin’ your face into the fallboard after she slams it hard enough to chop off your fingers. Made makin’ that call to ‘er while I was in your body so fuckin’ preem.”

“Wha --” This got her to take her face from her hands, looking at him in abject horror. “When!?”

“Durin’ my bender – when you let me take over to talk to Rogue. Remembered I could use your holo, so I called your mom and told her to go fuck herself.” Hand still on the fallboard, he used his free hand to take out a cigarette and light it, flicking the ash onto the rug under them.

“You took over my body?” He nodded, cigarette pointing to her right arm, and V lifted it, seeing the “Johnny + V” tattoo. Right...Right. He took over that night, and she was so pissed off the next day. Standing from the bench, V looked around her room, everything the same as it always was. Neat, orderly – a room that was so sophisticated the only indication it was for a child a small bear on the bed.

Walking to her mirror, V saw Johnny in the reflection first, then herself, then the version of her when she was twelve. So different back then. Johnny appeared behind her, throwing his cigarette into a potted plant on the shelf. “This what you used to look like?”

“Mhm. Every rich kid has themselves modded in some way.” Pointing to the mirror, her fingers traced over her old face. “I didn’t have too much done, in comparison to most kids. Childhood photos are something to gawk at, not reminisce over. Let’s see...Facial symmetry surgery, had part of my jaw shaved down to make my face rounder – more demure...Oh, skin replaced, only because I had horrible acne. Can’t complain about that one.” She touched a patch of it on her chin, displayed only on the mirror, and left her finger there. “Eyes are a different color now...Rebelled when I was eighteen.” Tracing over her own face, not the reflection, she felt her visible cyberware. “I wasn’t supposed to get anythin’ implanted that was visible. It’s seen as trashy. Appreciate that?” 

Johnny chuckled, nodding in approval. “Kinda, yeah. Shitty little rebel yell, princess, but ‘least you let it out.”

Fingers back on the mirror, she traced over her lips. “Mom wanted to get my tongue shortened, if you can believe it.”

“Tongue? That’s fuckin’ whack.”

“Yeah. Said somethin’ about how havin’ a long tongue isn’t ‘lady like’ or...Maybe more...’makes you look like a whore.’ I dunno. They said a lot of weird shit like that. Always tryin’ to make me the perfect kid...” Johnny’s reflection turned itself around, and V watched as his head moved, looking over her room.

“You tellin’ me you grew up in this big ass room?” V couldn’t take her eyes off the old her, so she didn’t, letting Johnny turn from her and look around her room.

“Came from opulence. That so surprising? Every kid I knew for a long time had a room about this size. Bigger than most people’s livin’ rooms. Though, never got to decorate it. Looked like this my whole life.”

The reflection in the mirror became her own again, allowing her to finally leave it behind. Turning around, she put her hand on Johnny’s shoulder again, and this time he looked at her. Placed his hand over hers. “Explains why your apartment was decorated like you had no idea what you were doin’. Hate that this is the first time I’m learnin’ about your past. Always made it seem like you had this easy life, even if your mom was a bitch.”

“In comparison to you, I did...” Taking her hand from his shoulder, she walked to her bed, sitting on it, grabbing the bear that rested on the pillow. “Didn’t want for anythin’...”

Johnny just walked around the room, pulling books from the shelves, flipping through them as he spoke. “Nah, that’s where you’re wrong. Ya know, I watched you one mornin’ stare into your cup of coffee for thirty minutes – havin’ a fuckin’ breakdown ‘cause your coffee order was wrong. And back then I thought ‘what a fuckin’ spoiled brat. Can’t even deal with her coffee order bein’ fucked up.’ Now? Understand that if somethin’ was wrong – messed up – it was always fixed for you or you got the blame, even if it wasn’t your fault. Why didn’t you ever tell me ‘bout this shit?”

She didn’t remember that day, but that wasn’t concerning. “How do I tell someone who was thrown to the wolves as a kid that I hated my life? I mean...I didn’t have to go down to Mexico and get my arm blasted off. Fuck off from the army, only to roam with some Nomads. End up in Night City, so full of fuckin’ hatred for everything I represented? I’m the physical embodiment of every enemy in every Samurai song. Whole life I was trained to take over some position in Arasaka. Was on my way there too!” Setting the bear down, she rested her elbows on her knees, face back in her hands. “And you met me at the one point in my life where I wasn’t. Why would I wanna remind you of who I was? Something you hated. One of a handful of people who let me be somethin’ more than...’Saka’s little show pony. I didn’t wanna ruin that...”

Books placed back on the shelf, Johnny came over to sit next to her, smoking yet another cigarette. She wanted to ask for a drag, but even in her dreams she didn’t think she could have one. “You’re still ‘Saka’s show pony. The fuck you think is happenin’ in that clinic? Huh? Think you’re bein’ treated as anything less than some experiment for them to put in a book and present to board members – if it even leaves the clinic!?”

“And we’re back...But...I’m startin’ to think you’re right. Week’s almost up...and they’ve said nothin’ about how to save me or you. Just all these tests, over and over again, and I’m startin’ to lose it.” Nervous habit, she reached for the tags, wanting to pull them out and rub them between her fingers. But they weren’t there. “Johnny! The tags! They --”

“Been over this, V.” They had? “Tags...they were symbolic. Promise made to you. Fuck...Wish I had known about your past ‘fore we met with Hanako.”

“Why? So you coulda had more cannon fodder to throw my way on that roof? Durin’ our arguments?”

Johnny put a hand on her back again, firm pressure reminding her he was still there for her. “Won’t lie, prolly woulda used it against you then, yeah. But, maybe I coulda reminded you that you’re stronger than you were. Don’t need someone inside of ‘Saka tellin’ you what’s right or wrong. Crawled back here ‘cause it’s all you knew – but you’re more than that. Proved that, I think.”

“How can you be so sure? Failed petty merc thief who botched a heist, killed her best friend, and got a rockerboy slotted in her skull. Defied ‘Saka and my upbringin’ just to land myself back in their hands.” Tears pooled in her palms, but Johnny didn’t say anything about the fact she was crying. “Two steps forward, but I always get taken six steps back. And you hate me for it...And I deserve that...But I feel so empty, and so lost. It’s like they’re rippin’ a piece of me out by blockin’ you from me. Only thing puttin’ me back together is durin’ these fucked up dreams, where I gotta relive the worst moments of my fuckin’ life. Where you’re with me again, kickin’ my ass into gear.”

“Quit your fuckin’ bitchin’. I don’t hate you. And I don’t care where you came from, ‘cause yeah, I did meet you at the one point in your life where you weren’t relyin’ on some fucked up corp. Couldn’t stand on your own two feet, but you were tryin’. That’s the V I met. That’s my V.”

“Your V’s dead, I think. Or dyin’. I’m the V I saw in the mirror – too afraid of the world to stand on her own. Rebel in small ways, but back down at the last minute. Get to the finish line and high tail it outta there. Your V woulda told Kusama to fuck right off. Makin’ me play the piano...Goin’ back to who I was ‘fore we met...’Fore you changed me...Always liked that V more...” Johnny had to know she was crying now, but he just kept his hand on her back.

“I’m just scared for ya, V.”

_As a child, if she cried her father would tell her to go to her room. That there was shame crying, and if she was going to cry she needed to hide it from everyone. Preferably, she would never cry, for it was weakness. Showed others that you were human and could be hurt. Cried so many times on that bed, but this one felt the strangest. Someone there, letting her cry without judgment._

“V, it is good to see you.”

When the guard told her that she had a visitor she only met him with confusion. The expectation was that any friend she made would never come to see her in an Arasaka clinic, let alone one in space, but she doubted given her status here that she would even be allowed visitors even if they tried. However, seeing Takemura walk through the open door, sit on the edge of her bed, put a hand on the knee of her outstretched leg, she was happy. He would be the only person able to visit, and she’s damn glad he made the trip.

“Goro...Hey...” His sad look didn’t strike her as odd. He always had that somber expression whenever he spoke to her.

“You...Are you doing well?” Looking around the room, she wanted to answer honestly, but she couldn’t. Ever the prying eye of Arasaka, and she had the two most precious ones staring her down, back in good graces with the company. “Do not worry, I have asked for full privacy.”

“You have enough pull to get that?” The hand on her knee patted her again, and his nod was extra confirmation. “Not great, Goro. Gotta say, feelin’ like a caged animal right now. What’s goin’ on? You know?”

“I know enough. Do you really want the truth, V?” She nodded, he sighed, air filled with tense apprehension. Takemura was the first to fall from the pressure. “At the board meeting, Hanako-sama promised to save the construct on the chip. And she has upheld that promise.”

“Yeah, I get that. Johnny’s still in my head. They keep askin’ me whether I can still talk to him.” Instinctively, she brushed her fingers over the port in her head where the chip is kept, almost like she was trying to tell Johnny he’s safe. “But, I figured they’d be lookin’ at a way to separate us – save us.”

“No. They are saving the construct, and the construct only. Seeing what the process looks like as he slowly takes over you. The trials, the tests – they want to see if it is possible for the process to happen without the host’s knowledge. Stop the physical side effects and prolong the process for a more complete takeover.”

“What?”

“I am sorry, V. But your agreement said nothing about saving your life.” Pulling her leg from him, pulling it to her chest, she just looked away.

“So, came here to say your goodbyes to me ‘fore I turn into Johnny?” She felt his hand on her knee again, and she let it stay there, knowing he was just trying to comfort her. 

Pain evident in his voice, maybe he was also trying to comfort himself. “Yes. I asked Hanako-sama if I could be here for you. You are doing Arasaka a --”

“Oh, great! This is about the company! So, what? All --”

“It is not just about the company, but it was what allowed me to be here. Everyone in that board meeting owes you a great debt. I owe you many. Is there something I can do to make this easier?”

V scoffed, rolling her eyes in a way that was a little too Silverhand-like for her own tastes. Composing herself again, she contemplated what she could reasonably ask from Takemura. “Answers...Maybe. Why do they even wanna know all this stuff?”

“Yorinobu has Arasaka-sama’s engram in his head, just the same as you have the construct of that terrorist in yours.” Bite in his voice talking about Johnny, but V couldn’t blame him. Johnny was always the sour taste in the mouth of anyone within Arasaka. “Yorinobu is not aware, and we do not wish for him to be.”

That made V laugh that cold, joyless laugh that Johnny let out when things were morbidly funny. “Wonderful. Just great. Really am just a fuckin’ lab rat.” Breath let out, V just shook her head. “So, that’s my fate...My life...For Johnny’s. Get what you ask for, I suppose.”

Takemura’s hand left her knee, placing it on her shoulder, getting her to finally look at him. “One day, I will walk into this room, and you will not call me ‘Goro.’ One day, I will walk into this room, and you will not remember my face.” On his feet now, he was facing away from her as he continued. “And that ghost will haunt me forever, for I did not counter and try to help. I am the players in Yotsuya Kaidan, never knowing peace for what I have done.”

“This your act of repentance? Watchin’ me fade away in sick fascination? Sorry, Goro. But is this really a better place to isolate? To be haunted by a ghost? Mountains seem nicer.”

“Our time is up, V. I will see you soon. And know, I do not deserve some nice house on the mountain. To descend into madness here seems to be a fitting punishment.”

_The Afterlife. Everything is empty, but the blue and green colors of the club still drenched everything in the strange melancholy that reminds her of loss. No Claire, no Rogue. Even the tanks with the dancers are empty._

Taking the seat next to Johnny at the bar, he was smoking, and this time she reached for the cigarette, seeing in her dreams she could actually touch it. Between her lips, she took a drag, passing it back to Johnny as she blew out the smoke. His drag was shorter, passing it back to her so she could take a longer one. When it was finished, he lit another, passed it her way, then lit his own.

Stick between her fingers, she focused on the Samurai shrine behind the bar. Johnny didn’t say anything. V didn’t speak. She didn’t care that she was picking up Johnny’s habit, even if it would only stay in her mind. Tension in her body was released, and V figured she might as well speak before things are cut short.

“You were right.”

“Always fuckin’ am, princess. Regret not listenin’ to me?” V hummed, taking the final drag of the cigarette, still focused on the Samurai shrine. “That ‘Saka lap dog is good for one thing at least – can tell you’re no longer gonna be blindly hopeful.”

Nothing but Johnny felt right in her dreams. The bartop wasn’t cold, so when she placed her forehead on it there was no relief. No cold contrast to shock her into action. Chancing more contact between her and Johnny, she moved to put her forehead on his metal shoulder, and there she found what she was looking for. Relief.

“Wonder if I’ll even notice the day I’ll start seein’ your memories as my own. Wonder why I ever feared it...Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself. Unsure of who I am.” Closed again, she was afraid to keep her eyes open here, wondering how long things would last, and she so desperately wants them to remain.

“Could always see right through you, V. We’d get here eventually. Still fuckin’ mad at you, but at least now we’re on the same page, I think.” Organic hand on the back of her head, V wondered where this side of him came from. Why it took until now for him to ever get this close. For her to open up. Souls that touched, but still pretended that there were walls barring them from the other. “Gonna keep lettin’ ‘Saka take everythin’ from you? Parental ambitions took your face, your childhood. Your job took your drive. Now they’re takin’ what’s left of you.”

“Don’t wanna...But I don’t know how to stop it! Trapped! Can’t waltz out the front fuckin’ door! I’m in space!” Her anger wasn’t intentional, but she didn’t know what other way to react. That got him to push her off him, making her sit alone at the bar while he paced behind her. “In case you haven’t noticed, Johnny, I don’t have an out! So, unless you’re offerin’ me somethin’ I can use, we’re stuck! Hope you enjoy havin’ a flat ass and small tits, ‘cause this is what you’re gettin’!”

Room shifting around, they were backstage in some shitty little club. V didn’t know which, Johnny probably did. Carpet, dingy and dirtied with cigarette burns, used needles strew about, and V knew this was likely Johnny’s version of a nightmare. But that anger didn’t stop with her, bleeding into him, ink spilled on parchment.

“No fight in you, V!? You just gonna let it happen now that you’re comfortable with givin’ up!? What the fuck is wrong with you!? When has feelin’ trapped ever stopped you before!?” Metal finger pointed in her face, she slapped it away, on her tiptoes to get in his face as she yelled back.

“Bein’ trapped and feelin’ trapped are two different things, asshole! The fuck you want me to do – open the damn window and get sucked into the vacuum of space!? Or am I gonna hijack another transport!? Only this time I don’t have a whole Nomad clan comin’ to save my skin! All I have is myself! Don’t even have you to offer riveting commentary as I get my ass filled with bullets from ‘Saka guards that are posted around the station!”

Shoving his chest, he shoved back, which led to V punching his chest, a lot harder than she intended. “Alright, you want me to fight!? Let’s go! Kiss my ass – see if you can --” And before she finished Johnny landed a punch right between her eyes, knocking her to the ground, lights out.

When she woke up she was outside, lying on the grass. Above her was the blue sky, clouds and all, nothing obscured. To her left was a house, small porch and a glass door, inside was a simple kitchen. To her right was a bench swing, wooden and old, with Johnny seated there looking like he kicked a puppy. The blood pouring into her mouth reminded her of how she got here.

“Broke my nose...” Getting up, she looked down to see herself in a sundress, and she wasn’t sure exactly why. Either way, she couldn’t keep it, and she was staining it with the blood from her nose anyway. Checking over Johnny, he was in a t-shirt and jeans, hair shorter. Clean shaven, and with both arms, his right one bare and free of ink. He looked so much younger. Sitting next to him, her feet barely touched the ground, and Johnny used his to swing them as they sat.

“Won’t matter, it’ll be fixed when you wake up...” Same gruff voice, though, and it seemed out of place in his younger form. “So you got balls enough to challenge me to a fist fight, but you won’t even entertain escapin’ from Arasaka?”

“No, we need to leave. I just...Felt so angry...The idea of bein’ trapped there pissed me off so much. But yeah...we need to leave. I’ll figure out a way.” His hand was on her shoulder, squeezing it lightly, scrawnier arms still having the same force she was familiar with.

“Won’t do it alone. I’ll be here.”

_On that swing they swayed back and forth. V noticed daffodils growing around the perimeter of the porch, and she wished she could go and pick some. Johnny must have noticed her looking at them, getting up, strolling over to where they were. Picking one, he handed to her and she tried to smell it, and with no shock to her it smelled of nothing. Not that she had ever smelled a flower before anyway. Johnny says if they ever show up here again he’ll pick her something better. V thinks it’s an empty promise, but she appreciates the sentiment._

When V woke up, she couldn’t remember the dream like she normally did, but as she waited for Kusama’s morning tests, she had this overwhelming urge to fight. To find a way out and save her skin. To save her and Johnny, giving him a chance to live separate from her. And to kick Johnny’s ass when he finally gets out her head.


	5. Down to the waking hours

“We’ll start today with word association. You are familiar with the procedure?” V didn’t feel the need to hide the way she felt about having to do this the eighth day in a row. A groan, a sigh, and she just nodded, reclining back and folding her hands over her stomach.

“Friend,” monotone, as always, and V just answered back in that same droning voice.

“Johnny.”

“Fear.” 

“Johnny.”

“Home.”

“Texas.”

“Betrayal.”

“Me.”

“Dreams.”

“Johnny.”

_The El Coyote Cojo. Doors pushed open, it was the same bar as always, but emptied and devoid of cheerful laughter or raucous bar fights. Pepe wasn’t behind the bar, Mama Welles wasn’t keeping watch, and Jackie wasn’t sitting there waiting for her. She had to wonder where Jackie went, why he wasn’t there...She missed him. Where’d he go?_

“This way, chica.” There he was. Calling her into the back of the bar. Everyone she knew who frequented the bar, along with others she didn’t, were gathered around. At least Jackie was there to make her feel welcome. Well, him and Misty she supposed, spying Misty before Jackie. No one looked at her, purposely avoiding her stare, but they still let her pass. Find Jackie.

When she found where the voice was coming from, it was at his altar, a picture of him in place of his body. In her hands, For Whom the Bell Tolls. A speech. She had to make a speech. Read from the book: something. Opening it, she wanted to turn to a page she knew had a beautiful passage that encompassed how she felt about Jackie, but the pages slowly melted, and her fingers gripped the biochip instead of the spine of the book. Visions of the Delamain cab, Jackie wanting so badly to make it to the big leagues, slotting Johnny into her. How could she forget that?

All eyes were on her now, every person in the room staring at her, unblinking, and all the grief and sorrow fell from her lips in the form of tequila, dripping onto the floor, wetting her shoes. When the flow stopped, she could only repeat the words “I killed Jackie. I killed him, and I’m so sorry.” Expressions unchanged, she felt they wanted more, atone for her sins in some other way, but all she had were symbolic gestures and empty words.

A tap to her shoulder, V was scared to turn around, but the hand gripped her, and all she heard were the rattling bones of her dead friend. Turning around, she saw that body, shocked gasp all she could manage before the form changed into Johnny. Fear gone from her, momentarily, she composed herself.

“I wanna leave...Take me somewhere? Back to the garden?” Johnny just shook his head, moving his hand from her shoulder to her bicep, holding it firmly.

“Can’t leave, princess. Mind won’t let us. But we don’t gotta stand right here – go upstairs?” Tilting his head towards the stairs, V nodded, letting him lead her up to the tables that looked over the bar. Sitting in the booth that Kirk normally occupied, she rubbed her face as Johnny slid into the booth next to her.

“How did I forget Jackie was dead? Worst moment of my fuckin’ life, and I forgot it...” Johnny lit a cigarette as he always did, but this one just hung from his fingers, likely just to have something there to hold while he spoke.

“Sometimes I forget Alt’s gone. That she ain’t just gonna stroll up, yell at me for wastin’ my life away, all before we talk – truly, madly, deeply. Not surprised you thought Jackie was still around too. How long’d you know the guy?”

“Funny. Kinda like with you, feel like he’s always been there. For the life of me, can’t remember the day I met Jack. Same with you...Like, I know the day you were slotted in me, but it just feels like you always were. That Jackie always was. And I guess I just assumed he’d always be here. Like he should be sittin’ across from us, laughin’ at me...” Cigarette passed to her, V just held it in her fingers, not feeling the itch to smoke, but somehow it was nice having it there.

“Think he’d like me?”

V laughed a little, shrugging. “Gut reaction? He’d be nice to you – mostly because that guy idolized you. But then he’d get to know you, and he’d be less friendly. ‘Cause you’re an asshole, and mostly, to onlookers, you’re an asshole to me. Automatic shit list. Then, he’d recognize that’s just how we roll, and he’d be nice to you all over again. Even be your choom. If for no other reason than you’re mine.” His shoulder nudged her, she nudged him back, all before putting out the cigarette neither of them were going to smoke.

“Dunno the guy, never will – just see what you let me about ‘im. But, that motherfucker is alright with me. First person to get you to break outta your shell. One of the few memories I didn’t have a choice in seein’ was the first night you went clubbin’.”

Groaning, V sunk down in the booth, covering her face in shame. “Oh god...You talkin’ about the time I got done with the worst meeting of my life, and Jackie just goes ‘chica, you look like you’re two minutes away from a heart attack. Come on, I’ll take you out’?” Johnny’s hum meant they were thinking of the same memory, and that was comforting. “Fuckin’ Christ, went out, and it’s some shitty little club, couldn’t tell you which. And the music is so damn loud it’s shakin’ my jewelry.”

“Forgettin’ a detail, princess. An important one. You were wearin’ that ugly ass turtleneck dress. One that went down to your calves, and some fuckin’ idiot spilled beer on it the moment you two stepped through the door.” Johnny was already putting his hand over his mouth to hide the fact he was close to laughing

“Oh shit! And it was white too! So I’m there just soaked in beer, and everything could be seen! Hate that you can remember that, ‘cause I think I made myself forget that detail.” So different from the despair of the bottom floor of the bar, V started openly laughing, thinking of that little event. “But I got so drunk that by the end of the night I’m just standin’ in the middle of the dance floor, stain on my dress that looks like piss, arms out and legs closed together ‘cause if I moved I was gonna fall over. People are tryin’ to move around me, but I’m just stiff as a board, and Jackie had to sling me over his shoulder to get me out.”

“Wait, wait, wait – left another thing out. Remember that guy who tried to flirt with you?”

“Ugh! That was probably worse than the dress, let’s be honest. Some scop hittin’ me with ‘can already see those panties, baby. Gonna let me see what’s under ‘em?’ Shoulda socked him.”

“Wouldn’t’ve done anythin’, princess. Hit like a bitch.”

Openly laughing, their joy was the only sound in the bar, everything else so still and quiet. No musical accompaniment to their time together, and V liked it that way. The way Johnny laughed was music enough to her. Maybe the memory wasn’t the funniest one she could have picked, as she thinks that’s the time she took selfies to send to Judy in front of the dick mural outside of Kerry’s villa, per Johnny’s request, but it was nice to talk about. And it was something with Jackie. Something happy.

“When was the last time we laughed like this, Johnny?”

“Been a while, actually.” Leaning back in the booth to match her, leaving his slumped over posture behind, he put an arm over the top, encasing her in. “Crawled back into your shell towards the end of this whole shit...Goin’ through it all now...Red Dirt, maybe? Nah, actually thinkin’ it was the rollercoaster.” Another groan, and V covered her face in shame once more, because of course he would pick that memory.

“Let’s be clear – you were laughin’, I wasn’t. I snagged the one pair of normal jeans in all of Night City, and you drag me to some broken down coaster, begging me to get it fixed. And of course I do, ‘cause let’s face it --”

“I’m more fun than you’ll ever be.” Light smack to his chest, and V noticed he was in his tank, not the armored vest. Studying his side profile, he wasn’t wearing his shades either.

“Our ideas of fun are just different. Anyway, at least you had a good time. I hated every minute of it, and I puked on my jeans right at the end. Swear no one can keep clothes for more than a week in Night City.” Sighing, V straightened up a little, but Johnny didn’t move. She figured he’d want to keep in motion, push her out of the bar like he initially wanted in the dream, but he just stayed there, arm slung over the back.

“I’m sorry, Johnny.”

“Feelin’ sorry for yourself ‘cause you got us into another mess again?”

“No. I’m sorry I didn’t open to you before. Think I’m doin’ it now not to lose myself. Sure, this dream was just talkin’ about things we already knew, but it made me feel like me again. I know I’ve told you, but I don’t feel right...I feel wrong, and nothing makes sense.”

“All I care about is whether or not you remember what you gotta do.”

V nodded, slumping over the table, Johnny’s arm sliding off the back of the booth to rest across her lower back. It made her snort, thinking that only now when he was mere days or weeks away from fading into nothing he was finally able to touch her so freely. That she let him touch her like this – someone she loved. She doubts she’d ever forget that bit of information. “Yeah, gotta leave...I forgot the dream from last night. But when I woke up I had this urge to get out. And to punch you in the fuckin’ teeth.”

Johnny laughed again, scooting in closer to her. “Like to see you try. But you know, all that matters is you remember what ya gotta do. Never stop fightin’, V.”

_The dream didn’t end until Johnny slid out of the booth. “C’mon, V. Gonna wake up soon. Let’s get outta here.” Exiting it after him, he kept his arm around her, shielding her from the unblinking stares of the attendees of the ofrenda. “Ain’t to blame for Jackie’s death. His dreams came at too high a cost.” She had to question him back. “As did mine. Will I have a candlelit vigil in my honor, Johnny?” Door opened for her, V paused in the doorway, waiting for his answer. “Worse comes to worse, every single day of my new life will be one. You’ll always be remembered, princess.” Bright light – the middle of the day. And V stepped into it, hating that when she opened her eyes she was greeted with the same white walls she was stuck in, no recollection of why she felt sad._

Pacing the room, tossing things off the shelves, she was getting sick and tired of all the invasive questions with answers she didn’t want to give. Professor Kusama just let her do this now, no real reason to stop her, as V still spoke, even as she wrecked the room. Coming undone, suffocating under the questions, brain a ticking time bomb.

“Why do you keep askin’ me about my fucked up life!? What do you want to hear!? About my abusive father, who’s been long fuckin’ dead!? My mother who let me raise myself!? Signin’ my soul away to some corp!? Playin’ music for people who gawked at me!? Brought up to do one thing and one thing only, but ya know what!? Can’t do shit right!” Throwing a potted plant down, the ceramic pot shattered, V stepping in the shards but not caring much.

Professor Kusama, calm and collected as ever, kept taking her notes. “Outbursts of anger. Are those typical for --”

“Would you shut the fuck up!? How do I know what’s typical and what’s not, huh!? Look like some fuckin’ quack ass scientist to you!? We gonna philosophize about the condition of the human soul!? What constitutes anger as an appropriate reaction!? Run off to your corpo rat buddies, you stuck up cunt! Not here to talk to you ‘bout that shit!”

Hands slapped over her mouth, V wanted so badly to swallow the words she just said. Erase them from the page of life, and file them away in a drafts folder never to be seen again. Words spoken that didn’t sound like her. The tone, the verbiage – all Johnny. So badly did she want to cry out, shake and fall to the ground, crumble beneath the weight of that realization. But she had to hold onto something, even if it was a relic of the past that she so badly wanted to shed herself of. “My apologies, Professor Kusama. I….I don’t know what happened there.”

“Will you be more willing to sit?” V’s answer came in the form of her sitting on the bed, back to Kusama, but seated nonetheless. “Thank you. Now, describe to me your high school experience.”

More personal fucking questions. V didn’t want to answer that one either, but she supposed it would cover up the fact she let the anger and hatred so on brand for Johnny slip through. Clearing her throat, V brought her hand to rub over her neck, wanting so badly to pull out the tags and rub them between her fingers.

“Wha...The tags...Where are my tags!? Where --” She didn’t have them. They were gone. She kept forgetting. Johnny gave her those tags as a promise, and she let Arasaka take them. Incinerated. Gone. A sharp needle in her brain, piercing through the corpus callosum, and she snapped. Screaming out, V rose from her seat, walking over to the shelves once more, hands trying so hard to rip them off the wall, destroying those fucking shelves with their meaningless décor.

Action in the room, V could tell people were swarming in, but she didn’t care, her mission was to cause as much destruction as possible. Getting one shelf to bend, she was triumphant in one part, and in another the biggest loser. The arms of guard wrapped around her, the stab of a needle in her arm, and she was out.

_The mattress was hard, the springs in it poking into her sides, bed pushed against the wall with only a small gap, large enough to fit her arm down and nothing else. It smelled of cheap body spray and that typical teenage boy stink, and V lamented that this was the first thing she could smell in a dream. Still, she breathed it in, oddly comforting, like if she was here then she was safe. Didn’t matter how much the mattress made her back hurt, or the fact that there were definitely washcloths shoved in that little crevice that she was not touching, she felt safe. The door was locked, and no one was getting inside unless they were invited._

Fragmented, fractured, fragile, fucked – any word that started with “F” to describe how messed up inside she felt came to mind. Body turned to the wall, she curled up in the fetal position, another “F'' word to describe just how utterly screwed she was. In so many ways, she just wished she had never spoken to Takemura, the burden of truth making everything so much more apparent now.

“Johnny?” She called out to him, and he didn’t answer back. She was so afraid to turn around, not wanting to be alone in this room without him, having to unlock the door to let him in. Taking that chance was never good. Willing her muscles to move, she slowly turned herself around, but realized she couldn’t sit up.

Empty. She was alone in that room, and even if she wanted to unlock the door and let Johnny in, she couldn’t. Dark blue walls, covered floor to ceiling in posters and pages ripped from magazines. Everything from stolen Playboy magazine pinups to band posters boosted from the various music stores around the city. V had never been to College Station, but that didn’t matter. She was familiar with it – second hand memories replacing her own. And each time she looked at some grunge music festival ad or a pair of tits she felt less and less like herself.

The window to the room started to open, something slid under the lock to pop it open. V jumped, trying to get away as the person rolled through the window, but she calmed down when she saw who it was. Johnny, just younger. Maybe her age. And neither belonged in this room at this time. “Know how fuckin’ long it’s been since I had to do that? Couldn’t just let me in through the door?”

“Can’t get up...” That just made him sigh, walking around the small room, picking up random objects and inspecting them. At last he reached a lava lamp, flicking it on, waiting as the shit inside started to rise and fall. “Saw my room...guess this was yours?”

“You know that answer, don’t you?” She did, and she supposed it was stupid to ask. “Been fuckin’ eons since I’ve been in here. Don’t look --”

“Shackled with your memories, I know what’s beside me, and please don’t remind me.” In the corner of the room was a shitty guitar with an equally shitty amp. V figured he’d pick it up, strum it, but he didn’t. His next move was to close the curtains, check to see if the door was locked, turn off the light, and then sit beside her on the bed – his nightly routine after he rolled through that window. “Everything is going so fast, Johnny. Gonna decomish --”

“Just the new cocktail they got you on, quit bein’ a pessimist.”

“You’re one to talk, asshole.” Rolling onto her back, above her on the ceiling were glow in the dark stars, plastered all over the top of the room. It made her smile. Johnny joined her, lying down on the bed. It was small, a twin bed, and their hands brushed up against each other. V laced their pinkies together, and Johnny didn’t move away.

“Kept givin’ that bitch answers about my life...Even realize that you were?”

V flinched, and Johnny took her hand in his, lacing their fingers together. He was almost whispering, like they were trying to hide from his mom downstairs, drunk and likely passed out on the table. It was a game, Johnny having opened that window for V to climb in under the cover of darkness. Stupid, but she played along, speaking quietly back.

“No, I didn’t...And that’s what’s scarin’ me. Slippin’ away, and I didn’t even realize it.” Letting her head roll to the side, it knocking against Johnny’s, resting it there. “Brain’s fuckin’ fried, so I’m gonna need a lotta help if we’re gonna make it outta this alive. Any ideas?”

“Did it pretty good job of ‘causin’ a scene – could always go that route and just fuck the place up. Go out, iron hot.” He was joking, and she giggled quietly, still playing along, though she knew it was just habitual on his part, always having to be quiet in this room after the sun set. “Allow you to run your way through the clinic unchecked. Scout shit out.”

“They’ll just dope me up and put me under again...But I guess that works. Means I get to come back to you and work this shit out.” Johnny squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back, still looking up at those plastic stars. Nothing compared to the real thing, but she liked them.

“Now that gonkbrain of yours is workin’. Just stop feelin’ guilty over this shit and actually plan it out. Fuckin’ hate when you get like that ‘cause you never let it go. Wallow in it. Puke in my soul then ask for gum ‘cause you hate the taste. Everyone’s fucked, V, it’s just how you deal with it that counts.” One last squeeze, and he let go of her hand, getting up from the bed. “Wakin’ up soon, princess. Get up. Wanna show you what the moon looks like.”

“Moon looks like the moon – and you called me a gonk.” Seeing if she could, V got her body to move, slow and steady. Trudging over to the window where he was, pulling the curtains he just closed back, she pulled him into a hug from behind, resting her head on his back. “I’ll get us outta here. Gonna find a way. Cause problems, fuck shit up – if they wanna see Silverhand, they’ll see Silverhand.”

“Won’t be seein’ Silverhand, princess. They’ll be seein’ you. Seein’ what years and years of repression looks like when you finally fuckin’ snap. Now c’mon. Look at the moon.” Letting go, V moved to stand beside him, allowing him to move her so that she was in front of him by the window. Searching the sky she found the moon, and as she suspected it was the moon. Same as it always was. “What gives, Johnny? Believe it or not I --”

_Transfixed on the moon, she didn’t think it was about analyzing the differences almost one hundred years could make. Arm wrapped over her shoulders, they were growing closer. Trauma bonding, likely, but that’s all they ever did. “It’s beautiful, Johnny. Was this your view every night?” He told her about the days he spent wishing for something more, shooting for the moon, and missing every time. Now the one time he’s in space, he’s a prisoner. “Do you resent that?” V asked, and Johnny’s reply was “If you’re askin’ if I resent you, the answer is no, and quit fuckin’ askin’. Sick and tired of answerin’ the same questions over and over again. Just wish we could enjoy the view with a little more freedom.” Leaning back against him, they looked at the moon and stars together – a much better view than the plastic ones._


	6. I'll grab you when you fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: there's stuff with eyeballs at the end of the chapter. I know eye stuff is nasty to some (myself included actually skfjskdlf) but it's in here!

In front of that piano once more, and V couldn’t help but laugh at the fact they were asking her to play it once more, like she didn’t have one of the more talented musicians of the past hundred years in her skull. Piss poor test to see if she was losing her shit all things considered. Though she supposed talent and good taste was subjective, but they didn’t know Johnny like she did, knowing well the vast and endless musical knowledge stored in all the data that comprised him. V wasn’t sure if Johnny could play the piano, but musical notes stayed the same from instrument to instrument. It was about the voice, the only thing that made a difference. A maybe if Kusama was somehow some secret virtuoso she could tell, but the guitar and piano had different voices. She and Johnny had different voices.

“Play from memory again?” She asked for Kusama, and she was greeted with a noise of affirmation. Behind Kusama stood two guards, watching her now, and V had a vague idea as to why, but nothing concrete. The past week came to her in flashes, and she’s sure that whatever caused these men to be standing behind Kusama would come to her eventually. Her long term memory seemed to be more intact, but even that was slipping from her. Memories fleeting, and she was catching smoke in her bare hands.

Clair de Lune. Moonlight. It seemed fitting to her, like it was meant to remind her of something. Voicing her intent to Kusama, she cracked her knuckles and began playing. The arrangement was soft, light, and it was something she learned on her own a long while ago. The only song to date that didn’t make her fear the slam of the fallboard or insults thrown her way. Learning it in the quiet hours when her parents were at work but she was meant to be practicing.

Somewhere in the middle she began to cry, using muscle memory alone to finish out the set. She didn’t consciously think about what she was playing, but it made her so sad. Mourning the loss of beauty in its unadulterated form, and she was the only conduit for which to express that grief. Tears that dripped down her chin, wetting the keys as she played, but her fingers didn’t slip. Slamming the keys at the end, she didn’t close the fallboard. All she did was sit there, hoping that some parts of her never faded.

_The Red Dirt, empty like all the other places that didn’t haunt her. V remembered this dingy little club like it was something she could never forget. One of those key memories that form the core personality of a person. Seated at the bar, Johnny had yet to make his appearance, but his words from that night rang in her ear. She was important to him. She is important to him. And that guilt welled up inside her again, for she continued to prove how unimportant he was. Lives on the line for naive sensibilities._

Boots tapped on the floor, the bar echoing each step. Amplified by the emptiness. Mind a spinning wheel, and she couldn’t make it stop unless she was prompted. “What’s on your mind?” the prompt she needed, but as she opened her mouth, she recited the first stanza of a poem, nothing else coming to mind.

“Your soul is a chosen landscape, Where charming masquerades and dancers are promenading, Playing the lute and dancing, and almost, Sad beneath their fantastic disguises.” Johnny stood behind the bar like he did that night of the concert, tucking some of her hair behind her ear, speaking back to her.

“While singing in a minor key, Of victorious love, and the pleasant life, They seem not to believe in their own happiness, And their song blends with the light of the moon,” gruff voice sounding so strange reciting something she spoke to herself softly.

Finishing the poem, she fed him the final stanza, “With the sad and beautiful light of the moon, Which sets the birds in the trees dreaming, And makes the fountains sob with ecstasy, The slender water streams among the marble statues.” Chewing the nail on her thumb, she let those words sink into her, forgetting where she learned them. “This poem from you or me?” She knew she played a song with the same title, but somehow she couldn’t remember which of them knew the music and which of them knew the poem.

“The fuck I look like readin’ French poetry? That one’s all you. Think you forget you bleed into me too. Got a lot of your shit floatin’ in my head just the same.” Sometimes that fact really did pass by her, thinking that only Johnny could transfer things, and she was just the sponge.

“Enjoy me playin’ the music inspired by it? Clair de Lune is a beautiful composition.” Cigarette lit, smoke blown into an empty bar, and Johnny walked from behind it over to the stage. V got up to follow, walking between the tables, fingers tracing over the backs of the tall chairs. The table where Denny and Nancy sat while waiting for everything to start, and she paused trying to remember their faces in 2077. All she could see is Denny with her shaved head and Nancy with her jet black hair, but that wasn’t how things were in her time.

“Wish I coulda. Partly ‘cause some shit movie ruined the whole song back in like...’08 maybe? No fuckin’ right ruinin’ that. Other part is you only got through the first two minutes of it. Started playin’ somethin’ else partway.” These grim reminders didn’t even make her afraid anymore. Just morbidly resigned, and oh so tired.

“Well, whatever I played I hope it was good enough. Was it anythin’ you recognized, or was it a bunch of random notes pressed on the keys?” Johnny jumped up on the stage, looking at the set up until decided to sit on the edge, legs dangling over the side. V came to stand in front of him, looking up as he spoke.

“Recognized it, but gotta say, I didn’t enjoy hearin’ it. ‘Never Fade Away’ is too depressing on the piano.”

“Explains the feelin’ I got while playin’. And before you ask, no...I didn’t realize I was playin’ it.”

Johnny hung his head, elbows on his knees, and V repaid him by tucking some of his hair behind his ear so it wasn’t getting in his face. “Slippin’...Yesterday you confused your childhood for mine and now you’re playin’ my songs. Never fuckin’ taught you the notes. Didn’t even know they could be played on the damn piano.”

“Could always blame it on perfect pitch. Not like I didn’t hear ya play it a million times in your head.” Tone joking, but neither saw it as such. She hated these conversations, feeling like a broken record, but it seemed like the only thing he could think about now, being forced to watch her slow decline. “Last time we were here, you enjoy playin’ the concert?”

“Asked me that last time I think, but yeah, I did. Nice to be on stage with Ker again. And with Nance and Denny. Brought back a lot of good fuckin’ memories, and I’m damn glad it did. Made Kerry happy too. Shit, everyone was havin’ a blast, even if you looked like a fish outta water playin’ my tunes and screamin’ into the microphone. Only person not havin’ a blast was you.”

“Sorry, gonkbrain, but I was in mind prison. Wasn’t the one playin’, so I couldn’t tell ya whether or not I had a good time.” Joining him, she jumped up on the stage, sitting beside him with her legs tucked to her side instead of dangling them over the side.

“Bull-fuckin’-shit. You were so fuckin’ mad at me for two days ‘fore we played this damn gig. Kept goin’ on about how you don’t play music for people, that it’s just a pile of crap you didn’t wanna do, and blah blah blah.” Metal hand up, it opened and closed in its typical mocking way. “Hate music, even if you can play with the best of ‘em.”

“First, I was pissed because you were about to use my body to play on stage and make me look like some rabid groupie for a band long gone. Not to mention, you put on short sleeves, and when you threw up those corny ass devil horns everyone saw my tattoo. So gettin’ labeled a Silverhand super fan wasn’t the highlight of my life.” He let out this incredulous laugh, knowing well she might be the only person alive and well who had any real right to call themselves a true fan of his music, message and all. For she was the only one who knew all the work and all the truth he tried to tell in song. “Second, I just...don’t like music. Brought my outta my comfort zone --”

“Outta your shell.”

“’Outta my shell’ and it wasn’t sittin’ well with me until after the whole thing was done. Just knew how important it was to you.” Room so empty, but she still saw how it looked that night, packed with people so excited to be listening to Samurai after all this time. Even her strange singing didn’t detract from it all.

“Not more important than you.” Flesh hand on her leg, she didn’t remember why it was okay, but she had the inkling that it was fine to hold his hand, placing her smaller hand over his and curling her fingers under his palm. “Though I know ‘A Like Supreme’ is your favorite Samurai song. Too bad you didn’t play that on the piano.”

Snorting, V just rolled her eyes, looking behind her at the stage. “Yeah, but I got to scream ‘Freedom is slavery!’ out into a crowd, so ya know. Well, I guess you got to scream it, but it was my voice.” Hanging her head like his she dug her nails into his palm, somehow thinking it would shock her into reality. “Not surprised my fingers just started playin’ your favorite. Fitting.” Flipping over in her hand, Johnny’s palm facing up, he laced their fingers together – tender action to contrast snarky words.

“I am. You’re no thing of beauty.” V groaned, Johnny smirked, and she just hopped off the stage, hand in hand, held tight as she looked up at him again.

“Am fadin’ away, though. Faster than I thought, too.”

“Why’dya say that?”

“You’ve never been this nice to me. To anyone, really, unless they were on the way out or already there. Must be gettin’ real close to forgettin’ everything I know.”

_The Red Dirt was starting to morph, fading into some other club that V recognized from the night that Alt died. She could distantly hear Johnny screaming into a microphone, even if he was still here in front of her, a spotlight shining just on them. “Remember the plan, princess?” V knitted her brows together. “What plan?” His sigh was louder than his screaming. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. You’ll remember when you need to. Find your way home.” Smiling, V removed her hand from his, putting it on the side of his face. “Sure. But where’s home for you? Need to find a place for you too.” His response to her made her ache. “Home is where the heart is, V.” And she quipped back, covering up how much of a hole that left gaping in her chest. “What are you, some suburban mom? Besides, only heart you got is mine.”_

Wake up call given, V rose slowly, no need to rush and find out what was about to happen to her today. Hand on her chest, everything ached so much, a lump in the back of her throat, and a strong urge to pull Johnny in close.

Door slid open, Hellman’s voice rang in her ears, and the agitation was already starting to climb. “Someone really ought to clean this mess up.” His only comment to her, and V remembered her outburst from the other day, ending her in being sedated.

“Come in here just to tell me to be a good girl and pick up my room? What do you want?” Turning so that she faced him, she still remained seated on the bed, watching as he sat down in the same chair that he always sat in.

“They asked me to speak to you. It is my understanding that you spoke with Takemura?”

“Is that really any of your biz, Hellman? He came here on a personal call, so if you wanna know what we talked about you should ask him, not me. Not in the habit of spittin’ gossip at people.” Hellman started picking up the small bits of broken ceramic near his feet, the same that V cut herself on. Looking at her feet, she noticed them patched up. Like it never even happened.

“I just wanted to know if you remembered, that’s all. I could care less what you two have spoken about.” Handing her a decoration, she knew it belonged on the table behind her, and she placed it there.

“Fine. So why are you here?”

“Your brain. It is monitored at all times – whether you are awake or asleep. When you sleep, everything looks...different. Places light up that shouldn’t, and there are spots on the brain that are so bright it is like you are awake. However, we know from your biometric scans that you are indeed very much asleep. Dreaming, but so lucid that it feels like you are awake. Do you remember them?”

Heart stopping in her chest, V reached up to clutch the tags, but her mind caught up to her fast enough to make her pull her hand away. Deep breath in, and she composed herself, not about to have a repeat of yesterday’s events. “No. I don’t. Guess it’s something with the construct. Maybe he takes over when I sleep – who knows. Either way, I don’t remember the dreams.” Not a complete lie, but she felt so much different when waking after the dreams. Whole, at least for a moment.

Hellman just nodded, checking notes on his tablet before looking at her again. “During the word association test from the day prior, you associated ‘Dreams’ with ‘Johnny.’ Are you sure you do not have any contact with the construct?”

“I’m sure. Why would it even matter if I did?”

“That you do not need to concern yourself with.” More notes were made, and V awaited his departure, wanting nothing more than to be in this room alone, and certainly not with Hellman. “By the way, the station’s orbit allows us to see the moon, for a time at least. When you have a spare moment, I suggest you take a trip to the viewing deck. A reminder of home seen from space.”

More sinister than they should be, those words made V prickle, her skin rising up in goosebumps. Behind her ear, for the second time, the Relic burned. “I’ll be going,” was his parting statement, and V hoped he never returned. The nurse, as always, gave her the morning medication, and she wasn’t sure whether or not it was the same as the day prior.

_Nothing._

Wake up call given, and V felt so empty. She knew that she didn’t remember much of the dreams anymore, but never had she felt this empty. Nurse in, she downed the pills, sitting back, waiting for some sort of drowsiness to set in. She hoped it would set in.

_Nothing._

Arasaka knew about the dreams. They had to have. They weren’t letting her dream.

No incentive to sleep, she didn’t. Time spent pacing her room, looking for anything and everything to tell her where the cameras were. Block them out so she could at least have some peace while she sat here like a fucking animal. Kicking whatever was in her way, the mess in her room grew, everything so messy there wasn’t a place on the floor that was free of debris. If she wasn’t violent, she could mess up the room all she wanted, but the moment she posed a threat she was out.

And now when they sedated her, she just rested. Nothing more.

_Nothing._

There was a blind spot in the left corner of the room. Time spent figuring out what did and didn’t constitute them barging in and confronting her, V realized they never came in if she hung back in the left corner. She could still be heard, of course, anything loud drawing their attention, but if she stayed silent? They did nothing.

Cup with the pills, and V hid them under her tongue. She couldn’t do much about the injections, but the pills she could take care of. Beginning to ask the nurse to leave the water, the woman did without question, used to V’s unwavering obedience by now. Once the woman left, she spit the pills into a container in the left corner of the room. Maybe she’d still lose her mind, but at least she could talk to Johnny.

_Vik’s clinic, and V’s eyes were on the table. She could see her reclined body, but there was no Vik to work on her. Only her eyes, detached from her body, looking around._

Heels clicked on the floor, and V tried to will her eyes to move around, but there was no use. They were just focused on her own body. “Johnny?” But he didn’t answer.

Golden fingers plucked one of her eyes from the table, turning to face the owner. Hanako held that eye focused on her, V’s vision split between her body and Hanako’s blank face. Pressure in her eye, sharp point digging into the implant, Hanako was pinching it until it popped, bursting. Vision out in that eye, only the one facing her body operational.

Thrown to the floor, that eye was quickly stomped by the tip of the heel. In the dark, V was helpless as Hanako stepped ever closer, sitting on the chair next to her, creak of the leather replacing the tap of her heels.

“There is nothing you can do,” the voice that spoke was not just Hanako’s. It was a mixture of all the people that ever cared for her, all her enemies, and most importantly Johnny. “You are doomed to die, slowly, painfully, without any realization that this is your fate. Cheated death so many times, turning to the one corporation that can and will continue to cheat death, but your time is up. Time comes for all. And your life is an hourglass with a hole in the bottom, the grains of sand falling through.”

A revolver. V knew the sound of the chamber being opened, and only one bullet was slotted in. Spinning it, the tip pressed to the existing bullet hole, and Hanako pulled the trigger. Nothing. “There are few things that are eternal, and you are not one, V. Neither is Johnny. Neither is anything else you hold dear.” The voice, still a mixture of all, and all she could pick out was Johnny’s. “Time comes for all.”

Trigger pulled again, and the chamber was empty. “Fate – it is something you cannot defy for too long. No matter how much of a fight you put up, time comes for all.” Pulled, and the chamber was empty. “And when that time comes, you will not be remembered – honored. You will be forgotten, body dumped in a landfill once more. You are no Morgan Blackhand, no Adam Smasher, no Rogue Amendiaries, no Johnny Silverhand.” Chamber empty, and there were two left, the probability of the next pull being the one to finish her off high. “You are no Judy Alvarez, no Panam Palmer, no River Ward, no Kerry Eurodyne, no Viktor Vector, no Misty Olszewski, no Jackie Welles.”

Trigger pulled, and the bullet still didn’t land itself in her skull. “Time comes for all, but only those who make an impact are remembered for longer. Not even you, V, will carry on your memories. You’ve already forgotten most of them. Long gone.” Johnny’s voice came through stronger, and V’s briny tears filled the cavity left open by her removed eyes. “Do you think Johnny will be allowed to live in your body? Carry on your legacy? Would he even want to? And your time has come.”

The trigger was pulled, but all V heard was it hitting metal, ricocheting off the walls of Vik’s clinic.

_“I’ve got you.”_


	7. I whisper in your ear

Door opened, and V expected to see someone there to test her cognition or give her medication she’d just spit in the corner. However, she was greeted to someone she didn’t think would care enough to come see her. Left above the world to die alone, no Johnny by her side. And she had a visitor in the form of the man who dragged her from the landfill.

“V, it is good to see you.”

“Takemura? Wha...You’re here to see me? Finally back in the good graces of the company at my expense?” He made moves to sit on the bed first, but decided on the chair that everyone else always sat in. Saved her life, but she supposed that hardly counted for much in the way of friendship.

“Back with Arasaka, yes, but I am starting to see that the price paid was too high. Are you doing well?”

Disheveled appearance, unwashed hair, room a mess, and she didn’t even need to answer that. Takemura could take a look for himself. Sitting there, unsure of what to say, Takemura continued on, just talking to her. And V was pleased it wasn’t just more and more questions. “Spending time on this station, I have come to appreciate the things from home that I took for granted. Good friends are one of the things that I carelessly threw away.”

“Tellin’ me ‘Saka’s top lap dog had friends? Find that hard to believe. But, I can’t say I disagree with that. Miss my friends too.” V wondered how Jackie was doing. If he was mad at her for leaving him behind while she was up here. If Kerry was doing well in his solo career, free from the shadow he was under. Whether or not Rogue ever had forgiveness for leaving her behind for all those years.

“Very few, but now I have none. Should have done more to make sure I did not lose them.” Sadness, from her and from him, though where her sadness came from she didn’t know. But, the time for idle chatter was up, and like everyone else he started asking her questions. “I have been told your memory is failing you...Do you remember our time in Night City?”

“Gonna be honest, Takemura, all I remember is you draggin’ me to Vik’s and then...” Blank. Erased. And V bit her lip, trying to keep herself composed in front of someone high in the company. “I apologize. The answer is I only remember bits and pieces. Whatever is happening here is making me lose some of my memories. Not all, but I apologize for the inconvenience that leaves you with.”

Hands wrung together in front of him, and Takemura looked down at the ground, and not at V. “You never need to apologize to me, V. Of the two of us you are not the one who needs to bow their head. Memories, they will come back. You will remember when you need to.” A deep sigh, but those words hung in her head.

“You’ll remember when you need to.” Johnny’s words to her...The escape. She had to leave. Takemura had been here before. Offered her help!

“Goro!” Surprised look on his face, Takemura looked up at her, eyes wide. “Last time you were here, you said you wanted to help me. Think I know how. I need to get outta here. Leave. Find another solution to this problem, ‘cause they’re lettin’ me die. If --”

“Enough!” Standing abruptly, Takemura waved his hands, trying to get V to silence herself. “You cannot speak like that, V! What you want is out of the question.”

“But it’s the only chance I --”

“Do not speak of this! Goodbye for now, V.” Out of the room in a flash, and V was left alone once more. Thoughts in her head like string, and she couldn’t grasp one for too long. Everything flying away in the wind.

At least she remembered Jackie was dead again.

_V parked her Porsche at the edge of the oil fields. Walking most of the way there, she knew she needed to find something here. Everything looked as it should – metal lining the ground, fire from the machinery blazing into the sky, darkness made even more so by the slick, black ground. Dim light made it hard to see, but V is sure what she was looking for was here. Silver fingers sticking up from the ground._

On her knees beside those fingers, V began digging. She couldn’t stop herself once she began, fingernails becoming encrusted in grime that surrounded the digits, turning from a mangled hand to a mess of shattered and torn metal. Cutting into her hands, she didn’t feel it – only the urge to dig. Forearm, burned and blasted, emerged from the dirt, and V got up, placing it on a piece of metal. Back to work, she dug again.

She had a thought about what was buried here, among the bugs and dirt, but she couldn’t place it entirely. Down further, more of a metal arm was uncovered, and when she tried to pull it free like she did the forearm, it was stuck. More dirt had to be dug out. With only her hands, V toiled. Long nails breaking off against the bone, bloodied hands from the shredded metal, pieces of body mixed with the Earth and the oil removed to help free the contents this ground held. Arm torn from the shoulder, she placed it with its forearm.

What was buried here? Why was she creeping about in this dirt, brushing off the pieces of bone, cleaning them as best she could before placing them with their companions? An archaeologist, and the person buried here was the most important thing in the world.Preserved for her to find. Every bone, from the skull to the small bones in the ear, to every finger and every toe had to be unearthed, and she couldn’t stop. Piled on the metal, V stared at them, like something was missing. Something important. Dirtied hands rubbed her neck, and she realized that the missing piece was gone. Never to be recovered, and she’d be left with nothing but bone.

Overcome, she sat down across from the bones, eyes on the inscription there, mud and oil smeared over it as she rubbed it. “V 2077” carved in sloppy writing, hastily done; an inscription that was supposed to read “JS 2023.” This was not her grave, and the more she sat there, looking out, she knew that. Johnny was buried here. She couldn’t ask whether or not it was the truth, whether her brain was trying to cover up her own demise, but she thinks she knows the answer. A grave for them both.

Turning back to those bones, there was life in them now. Johnny sitting there, head hung, elbows on his thighs, hands close together. V mirrored his pose, but kept her head high to look at him. “This is your grave, right?”

“Supposed to be. Found it after we cornered Grayson on the Ebunike. Thinkin’ it’s more fitting than the newest one I’ll have.”

A cigarette lit, a drag, and Johnny passed it to her. V refused, holding up her stained hands, almost entirely black from the Earth, not wanting to dirty the stick. “Remember comin’ here?” there was no underlying joy in his voice, no mirth and sarcasm, just sorrow, “drivin’ my Porsche?”

“Sort of. Things aren’t comin’ in strong anymore. We spoke about...revelations that we had. Asked me about your death and legacy. I had some sort of realizations of my own.” Fire bellowed out from one of the machines briefly, lighting up the field around them for a moment. “Don’t think I’m really buried here, seein’ as I’m still havin’ these dreams, but it feels like it.” Recalling pieces, she couldn’t tell who asked the question, but it seemed fitting for her to be the one to ask now. “If this were my real grave, what would you write? Here lies V...” Waiting for him to finish her statement, she just watched as he kept taking drags of his cigarette.

“I’m not answerin’ that. You’re not dead.”

“Right now? No. But, I wanna hear what you’d put here. What you’ll put on my actual grave when I do go. ‘Cause, I --”

“You’re not dyin’. Not if I can help it.” Cigarette tossed on the ground, he sighed, just shaking his head. “Really need pointless, empty gestures, V? Is that really what you fuckin’ need right now?”

“If I say yes, will you answer?” His face met hers briefly before he went back to hanging his head. She knew that look, eyes always seeking, and she thought she knew them. Eyes that looked back in the mirror as her own face stared back.

“Here lies V...The woman who saved my life.” Unintentional, but she laughed, but he didn’t laugh back. “A dreamer who didn’t know the cost.” That continuation sucked the joy from her, chest tight, brick upon brick placed upon it. “Dreams bigger than the world could contain so she had to be launched into space.”

“If I shot for the moon, think I’d make it?”

“Nah. You’d shoot right past it and land on the sun – stupid fuckin’ plans always landin’ you in the places you shouldn’t be.”

Now that made them laugh, small and weak, but a laugh nonetheless. Because they knew it was true. Getting up, V stood in front of Johnny, hands in her pockets. “Things from our time together are goin’ away, and I hate that. Don’t wanna forget what we’ve been through. But...I have this wave of relief that washes over me when I think about the fact you’ll always be with me. You always were with me, and I won’t have to be alone anymore.” Sitting down next to him, Johnny finally looked at her, not hanging his head any longer. Grounding, giving, and no longer darkened with scorn, and V smiled at him. “Glad that I didn’t fuck up what we have, ‘cause yeah...I messed up.”

“Oh yeah, V. You fucked up. And I was so fuckin’ mad at you. Think I told you what changed, but what’s that fuckin’ matter now? You forgot it, I think. You’ll forget it if I tell ya again.” Wanting to reach to him, she paused, checking her hands, now cleaned from the dirt that was encrusting them. Unsure of where to place her hand, it just stayed outstretched until Johnny took it, placing it on his cheek. “But that wave of relief washes over me too. ‘Cause I didn’t fuck up what we have.”

“Ha! No, I remember this part of the conversation. You did fuck up, and I’m still kinda mad you scratched your balls in front of my face after you left me to die in that motel room with Rogue. Guess we’re both giant fuck ups.” Leaning forward, she pressed their foreheads together, so much weight on her chest, but she could share it with Johnny. She didn’t have to carry it all. Hide it away. Not like she had much to lose by covering up everything. “Remember the other thing I realized here...And I don’t think I wanna forget it.”

Warm on her skin, he exhaled, just shaking his head, nose brushing against her own. “If it’s so fuckin’ important you’ll remember it. No need to tell me – not your fuckin’ keeper.”

“Can’t be sure...”

“I’m sure.”

_Fear and fire – that’s all these fields contained. Anger from an argument, burning against the cold actuality of death. Strong burn from things left unsaid, the fear that they would never be spoken. Left to be buried in an unseen grave. “JS 2023.” “V 2077.”_

Sitting on the amp that plugged into the guitar, the cords from ‘A Like Supreme’ coming from her fingers. V could never forget this tune. It was her favorite. For good measure, to make sure Kusama didn’t question whether she still remembered to play guitar, knew this music by heart, she even sang the lyrics, though she thinks the years of disuse were making the notes come out sloppy.

Song completed, V bowed in dramatic fashion, seeing herself out without saying a word to that bitch. In her room, pills in hand, she put them under her tongue, spitting them in the corner when the nurse left, anger in her steps as she paced the room. The events of yesterday, her conversation with Takemura, were sinking in, and she realized there was no one who was willing to help her leave. And fuck she knew there was a plan made with Johnny, but god knows what it was. She never remembered those dreams anymore.

All she had was anger. So much anger and hatred, and no amount of screaming helped.

_Decorated in expensive furniture, equipment, artwork, and simple colors. A couch in the middle of the living room, covered in plush blankets and decorative pillows. A jacket hung by the door, and V put it on her body, wrapping it around her. Too big for her, she just hugged it close to her body. She owned a similar one, she thinks, its new leather so different than the one she wore now._

The couch sunk under her weight, magazines and books on the coffee table in front of her, along with a bong, a tablet, and a picture frame. Empty. Flipping it down, she didn’t want to look at it, something painful about it being left bare, no memories to fill it. Door opened, and she smiled, seeing Johnny walk through.

“Welcome home.”

Something about V saying that made Johnny stiffen for a moment, before he too checked the fridge, seeing it was empty. “Why are we here?”

V shrugged, not even knowing where they were. “Dunno. Not even sure where ‘here’ is. But it’s makin’ me feel safe...and pissed off. Like comin’ here was a mistake, but a mistake I’ll keep makin’. ‘Cause as long as someone keeps walkin’ through that door I know I’m good.” Hugging the jacket tighter, it smells of leather, cologne, and smoke.

“Fuckin’ Christ...We’re in Alt’s apartment.” Slamming the fridge door, Johnny immediately turned to punch the nearest wall, and V noticed there were other similar dents. “You really didn’t come here on purpose!?”

“No! I didn’t even know where we were! Don’t blame me – I’m not the one with the memories of this place!” Falling back on the couch, V huffed, resting her head on the back so she could look up at the ceiling, snorting as she saw what was above her. “How fuckin’ childish were you? Throwing pencils into the ceiling --”

“Well that gives me some relief. ‘Cause I didn’t do that shit. Alt did. Always threw them up there when she couldn’t work things out.” Items brushed off the coffee table, tumbling to the floor, Johnny sat on it, pointing her face. “You didn’t do this on purpose, to fuck with me!?”

“No! Like I said, I didn’t know where we were until you told me! Outta the two of us, you’re the one who probably brought us here! So you tell me – why are we here, Johnny, huh!?”

“Fuck you! You really are just makin’ my life worse than it already is! Not surprised since that’s all you ever do to people, but damn, thought I was different!” Finger pushed roughly into her shoulder, he rose from the coffee table. “Lets get outta here. Can’t leave without you, so get your ass up and let’s delta.”

Not in the mood to fight with him, V rose from the couch, unwilling to leave this place, but also not willing to have the one person trapped with her even more pissed off. Door knob turned, she sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to like this. “It’s locked, Johnny. Can’t leave...We’re stuck in here.”

Forehead pressed to the door, she heard the commotion behind her, Johnny wrecking the place, tossing over tables and decorations, ruining the nicely decorated apartment. In a twist of fate, V knew that anger wasn’t coming from him exactly. She was angry too, trapped in a place she didn’t want to be and had no way to leave. Turning around, she just took his arm in her hand, dragging him into the bedroom, shutting the door. He flopped on the bed, putting a pillow to his face and screaming. Going limp, Johnny just lied back, pillow still over his face, and V walked over, sitting on the bed next to him.

“Wanna talk about what that was?” Gently, she took the pillow from him, placing it back on the bed.

“Aren’t we here to solve your problems?” He turned from her, his back to her as he rested on his side, arms tucked under his head. “Not like you’re not bein’ a sadistic bitch for bringin’ me here.”

“Told you, I don’t have control over where we are! If I did, I would always be goin’ back to my own apartment. ‘Sides, your problems are my problems. My problems are your problems. And right now yours are easier to deal with than mine...Sure you saw...Today...”

“Becomin’ more aware of it.”

“Easier to see when I’m in the dream. When we’re completely separated, and not blending into the other while I’m awake...So. What was that about?” Johnny huffed, a sharp exhale of breath, followed by him rolling onto his stomach in dramatic fashion.

“Jus’ hate bein’ here without Alt. I was the one who had to come and clean this place out after she died...Back then it felt like I had a piece of me ripped out. Shit, wished that was the first and last time that happened. Guess fuckin’ not.” Rolling again, he was on his side, this time facing V. Shuffling on the bed, he gave her more room, and V sat more comfortably, back against the headboard.

“Here, when I’m with you...I can feel myself more completely, ya know? Even if I don’t have my memories, I have more of my sense of self. Not much to that anymore, but...I know what you mean. Might be the one thing that’s takin’ away my identity, but when I can’t talk to you I feel like something so big is missing. A cavity that just...can’t be filled.”

“Makes you angry. And you’re trapped.”

“And we ended up in the place where you feel like you had a hole ripped in you. Where you’re trapped. Think it makes sense. Fuck, trashed my little room in the clinic.” Looking on the bedside table, this was Alt’s side of the bed, evident by discarded jewelry. Simple. Elegant. “Lemme close my eyes. See if I can get us outta here. Least with you we can leave the place you hate...”

Johnny moved to sit up in the bed, next to her, shoulder to shoulder. Closing her eyes, V thought about a place that would make them both feel safe. Less like they were trapped and more like they had the whole world ahead of them. Feeling the room shift, V opened her eyes, finding humor in where they were.

“Well, that’s one way to interpret my desire for freedom and safety.” Reclined back on a couch, they were in Rogue’s booth in the Afterlife. Knees to her chest, V realized she was still in the jacket. “This is the one place that can open any door we want, huh? Where nothin’ can touch us.”

“Rogue’s always been the best.” Seated beside her, arm across the back of the couch, Johnny propped his feet up on the table in front of them.

“Can’t...picture the Rogue that I knew. All I see is a blue mullet and dark eyeliner. Like we should be in some shitty little room in the Atlantis instead of in this booth. Dunno how or why I met Rogue, but I just know her. Ugh!” Face in her knees, V let out those frustrated noises, feeling the urge to just scream like Johnny did. “I hate this! Fuck, Johnny!”

“What, you think I’m havin’ the fuckin’ time of my life!? Only person I...care about. And I’m losin’ you. Bit by bit – piece by piece! One day you’re gonna dream and all I’ll get is myself in an echo chamber! And we made this plan to leave, and you keep forgettin’ it!”

“Well excuse me for just...Ugh!” Punching into the air, she hit nothing, but the action was nice. Released some of the built up tension. “Losin’ everything. And I don’t wanna forget...”

“Won’t forget everything, V.”

Lips quivering, V didn’t want to admit this, but she thinks she can trust Johnny enough to let him know. “You sure? You feel it, everything being ripped from me. You think I won’t just forget it all!?”

“Well fuck, V! Short of takin’ over and bustin’ out myself I can’t do shit! And if I bust out myself it’ll be too late for you!” A pause, and V kept her face in her knees, trying not to cry. “C’mere.” Strong arm pulling her into him, she curled up on his side, finally letting everything burst. Crying into his shoulder, she hugged him tight. “Whaddya want me to do?”

“Just remember me...Remember what my life was like. Remember my friends for me...Remember the good and the bad. The parts you and I hated. The parts we liked. The parts we loved.” Held close, she kept sobbing, listing off all she could about her life for him to keep for her. Her tales with Jackie, what she could remember about Judy, her version of Kerry – the one separate from Johnny, adventures with Panam, even the bits with River, with Misty, with Vik. Her parents, her childhood – everything she could. Not much left, and it didn’t take much time, but she gave him all she could.

“Told me at some point that if it was important that I’d remember...But, I dunno...All those things are important to me, and they feel so far away. Don’t wanna lose ‘em. Least you’ll remember what we had together.” Johnny just stayed silent, letting her speak, but holding her close. “Fuck...things are so bad. They’re so bad...” So nice to her now in the despair, and she wishes she could have had this under less tragic circumstances. “Johnny...wanna tell you one last thing.”

“Sure, princess. Anythin’.”

“I never felt much of it in my life, ya know. Things that were happy...Don’t have many things that I love or that love me back. And for so long I was okay with that. Was told that love was weakness. So, I kept everyone and everythin’ at arm's length. Kept you at arm's length best I could, but you still grew to know me. The real me. And I think somewhere along the way, on this odyssey back home, I...” Sniffling, V tried to cry her tears, quiet her sobs while she spoke. “I don’t wanna forget this...”

“I’ll always remember what we went through, V. Can’t forget that. Won’t forget it, I promise.”

_Held in his arms, V moved her head to look at him. Meet his eyes while she spoke. “More than that...I wanna tell you before I forget. Of all the things that I have inside me, I don’t wanna forget this the most. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you. And I want you to know...because I don’t think I’ll ever get a chance to tell you any other way.”_

Face wet, nose clogged, V sat up in her bed, wiping away her tears – a dream cut short, right in the middle.


	8. Come down carefully

The guard outside her door was hiding. He had to be. For there was no way she was left unguarded with the door wide open. It was a trap, nothing more nothing less. And it only added to the fact that the nurse she had now didn’t even watch her take the medication. She still had to hide it under her tongue, cameras always watching, but the nurse didn’t watch. Unattended, V was starting to fear Arasaka was baiting her. Like they knew something she didn’t and wanted to test her. Something in her was screaming to seize the moment – carpe diem this bitch and delta. But the other part of her brain made her wary of it all. Paranoid. Like there was more going on than just some experiment.

Testing even stopped midday, no one coming in after noon, no one checking on her – nothing. Entirely alone, isolated, for hours upon hours on end. Door open, but no one there. Just something wasn’t sitting well with her. There was such a thing as events happening too easily, and V knew the consequences of that well. Storming ‘Saka Tower had been too easy, and she knew how that ended. With a corpse in the back of a Delamain cab. Body of a lover, a friend, in her arms.

Barricading herself in the bathroom, V wasn’t brought out for over a day, the nurse sliding her pills through a small space in the door, Kusama not even bothering to ask what was wrong, nor did she ask her any questions. Pills spit into the toilet, food on trays piling up, V didn’t know how long she had been in this bathroom, but she had been afraid to sleep, to eat – anything. All she did was stare up at the ceiling, small fan behind a grate spinning, holding her attention as she waited. The moment she closed her eyes, dropped her guard, they’d come for her, kill her. She was their enemy and they had imprisoned her.

The devil himself arriving, Hellman was the one who finally removed her from the bathroom, brought out by two guards. V didn’t put up much of a fight, but she still had to be removed, not willing to exit of her own volition. Seated in the chair, Hellman just looked at her, and all V did was glare, not willing to open her mouth.

“Kusama’s notes about paranoia being the predominant emotion are true, I see. That your paranoia or Johnny’s? Both of you were prone to bouts of it, from what we can tell.” V just continued to stare at him, unwavering. He wasn’t getting shit from her. “Could also be a side effect of the withdrawals. Have you been taking your medication?”

Hellman sat there, confident, like he knew the answers to the questions he was asking even if V wasn’t going to be forthright in her answers. “You do not need to answer.” A snap of his fingers, and V’s arm was gripped by one of the guards. She tried to pull it free, but she couldn’t. “We can get all the answers we need from your blood.” A nurse arrived beside her next, stabbing into her skin with a needle, drawing out the blood. “Play games all you want, but I told you then and I will tell you now: there is so much data in your head. If you cannot be saved, are unwilling to be saved, the data must be.”

Ringing from the tablet, it was turned to Hellman, and V tried hard to free herself from the grasp of the guard, an ominous feeling sinking in, overtaking her. Thrashing, kicking, screaming, she finally spoke to Hellman. “Fuck you! That what a human soul is to you, huh!? Just a pile of fuckin’ data!? What about me!? What about V!? She worth shit to you!? Your precious little experiment, and all you’re doin’ is rippin’ her apart from the inside out! Join the ranks of Johnny Silverhand you fuckin’ rat! All you do is ruin lives! I’ll pull out your fuckin’ teeth one by one and shove ‘em down your throat! Kill you --”

Head forced down, strapped to the bed, mouth open wide, and V was forced pills, still screaming and thrashing against the restraints. Everything swallowed, V tried to make herself puke, not wanting to keep them down. Too late, another stab of a needle leaving her limp almost instantly, slipping into sleep.

_Aldecaldo tents and cots were a mossy green, and V couldn’t help but love the color. Had she been asked whether or not it was pleasant before, she would have said no, for really it wasn’t that nice a color. But to her now, after becoming like family to a group of wild Nomads, she loved it. For the life of her she couldn’t imagine most of their faces, only Panam and Mitch coming to mind, but she knew they were family. Her family. And she should have asked for their help._

On her back on the cot, V figured it was time to get up, her back starting to hurt and her body no longer tired. Feet on the sandy ground, the tents always without a floor, she realized she was barefoot. Nothing she could do about it, but it made stepping through the tent a precarious affair. Sandspurs and cactus needles avoided, the tent was opened, the open night air and countless stars there to greet her. The camp was empty, as were most places she visited at night, but the distance she saw smoke and she knew who it belonged to. Careful steps, and she made her way to him, sitting on the hood of an Aldecaldo vehicle parked near him.

“Princess, that you?”

“’S me, rockerboy...”

He laughed through his nose, two puffs of air, smoke leaving his nostrils instead of his mouth. “That the nickname you settled on for me? ‘Rockerboy’?”

“Eh, coulda done worse I think. About as creative as princess.” Staying away from her, Johnny just stood there smoking, and when he was done he just looked at the stars instead of her. A sharp something near her heart and it felt like rejection – the same kind she experienced asking out her first boyfriend, or when her best friend told her she wasn’t interested in girls. Fuck knows if she understood why, and she likely never would. Lost on her forever.

“Thinkin’ Takemura was tryin’ to help you get outta there.” That rejection had to have something to do with the last dream, with Johnny. Distant, cold, his voice wasn’t as fond as it normally was. Like he was talking about business reports instead of something relating to her.

“Why would he help me? From what I recall he wasn’t exactly thrilled when I told him I wanted to escape. Shit, I didn’t even remember I needed to leave until you reminded me just now. Runnin’ offa prompts like a damn computer program.” Falling back on the hood of the truck, the stars above her were what she focused on as Johnny spoke back to her with nothing but contempt.

“Who fuckin’ else woulda had the pull to leave you unattended for that long? But all you fuckin’ did was hide in the bathroom like a coward. Thinkin’ they were gonna kill you for tryin’ to walk out the door. Pathetic.”

She heard the sand crunch under his boots, but he was pacing in a circle near her, not daring to come any closer. “Kinda am. Had to take over at the end there, I think. Definitely wasn’t me callin’ Hellman a fuckin’ rat. So yeah, some paranoid, pathetic peon ready for the taking.” Shaking her head, the stars offering little in the way of comfort, no way to ask it from Johnny, she let the numb tingling in her limbs overtake her. “No one’s here to help me, Johnny. Not even you.”

“Fuckin’ Christ, here we go again! I’m so damn sick and tired of you always bein’ like this when things don’t go your way or I confront you about somethin’. Ever think I’m lettin’ you know in some vain attempt to try and save your sorry ass? That I’m holdin’ out hope that you’ll remember one o’ these dreams!? Pull your fuckin’ head outta your ass or roll over and die already.” Crunching coming ever closer, Johnny kicked the tire of the truck, and V didn’t flinch. She just stayed there, everything becoming gooey and soft.

“Somethin’ in the dream isn’t lettin’ me roll over or I would. Throwin’ in the towel – think I’m done. What’s left of me, huh? Fragmented memories, vague recollections of some adventure we had together? Trauma up to my fuckin’ eyeballs? C’mon, that’s all you had too. Can’t trust anyone anymore, can’t hide, can’t run. May as well let you have this body.” A kick to the truck again, and Johnny hopped up, crawling over her like he did the night they met, silver finger in her face.

“See this is the shit I’m talkin’ about! Face ain’t even flinchin’! Not afraid of nothin’ and in the worst way possible! You should be pissin’ your fuckin’ pants, beggin’ me for help, but instead you’re just givin’ up like you always do!” Words that should have gotten under her skin, but they didn’t. Like being under water, everything was muted, even the sting of what he told her. “Had a chance to leave and you didn’t take it. We made a plan to leave and you forgot it. You even remember what you told me the last time we spoke!? The one thing you didn’t wanna forget!”

V shook her head, even though she had an idea based on the feeling in her chest.Things weren’t making much sense to her now, but her mind keeps telling her that when she told him she got nothing in response. Left alone. Johnny clicked his teeth in response, his only way to show his annoyance at that. “Gonna call me pathetic for that too? Look, Johnny...I just don’t see the point in it anymore. Feel like I had my heart ripped out and stomped on – left with nothing but a ghost in a shell. Run outta options, locked in a motel room, finger on the trigger as I wait for someone to bust through the door.”

“Been there done that before, princess. Even then you didn’t have the fuckin’ guts to pull the trigger. Let that fuckin’ proxy in to give you the message to meet with Hanako.” Moving off her, Johnny sat beside her, hunched over his knees. “Ya know, that’s the one time I shoulda taken over on purpose and blasted that bitch.”

“Why? So we could’ve avoided this? ‘Cause that’s what I want right now. I don’t remember what I told you in my last dream...But I have an idea...And really, I don’t wanna hear all the ways you could never love me back. I know you remember the dreams. Combo that with the fuckin’ horrible shit swirlin’ around inside me, my avoidance will be to just...let it go.”

“You know what – you don’t remember shit anyway! So I’m just gonna fuckin’ say it. Sit up – wanna look you in the fuckin’ eye.” V tried, but her muscles were tight, still tingling, on fire. There was no way for her to move even if she wanted to.

“Can’t...You gotta be the one to --”

“Of course I fuckin’ do.” Over her against, his organic hand gripped her chin, making her look at him. “Don’t open your fuckin’ mouth while I speak, got it?” V nodded, realizing his hand was only there as support, not pressing into her harshly.

“Told me a bit ago that you were every enemy in every Samurai song. That when I wrote songs you were the person that I fuckin’ hated. And you’re sorta right. Someone with no fuckin’ spine, no drive, no reason to stand up for themselves. Makin’ those stronger than them do all the fuckin’ work, and you’re the one reapin’ the rewards. Spoiled brat with who thinks the whole damn world revolves around her.”

Words that once again should have hurt, but V was feeling so numb emotionally, body on fire, that she just let it slide. Kept her mouth shut as he continued on, his hand shaking as it held onto her jaw. Trying as hard as she could, V wanted to at least hold onto his wrist, but her limbs fired back against her, stiff and unyielding.

“And then you let me take control of your body. Played the Red Dirt for me. Went and saw Kerry, took Rogue out on a date, drove my Porsche ‘cause I was happy to have it back. Used my gun, wore my tags. Said you’d take a bullet for me. Wrote on my grave. The system made you bury the V who was nice to a fault. Who loved her friends with all the soul she had left. Product of the real enemy, you know. Might be the physical embodiment of corporate greed, but that’s not who you are deep down. Got to know her. Got her to fight for herself for the first time, and now she’s buried again.”

Lump in her throat, and she tried to swallow it, choking a little on the spit, Johnny’s hand moving to cup the back of her head, holding her up as she coughed. Spit into her hand, there was blood, but there was always blood in her dreams. Wiping it on her pants, body limp, she let Johnny hold her as he continued on.

“Wanna dig that V out so fuckin’ bad it hurts. That’s my V. My princess, even if I called you that ‘cause I thought you lived in some ivory tower. She’s the V that told me she loved me.”

“Johnny --”

“Shut up, I’m not fuckin’ done. Gotta tell you ‘fore --”

“Johnny, listen!”

“No, V! Just let me --”

“Eugh, shit!” Teeth gnashed together, everything in the dream falling, her vision glitching, she should have recognized the signs before it was too late. Told Johnny, warned him, but she couldn’t. The first Relic malfunction since her time in the clinic, and it was happening here. Blood seeped from her nose into her mouth, mixing with the blood there as well. Panic in Johnny’s face as he held her.

“V! Hold on! V!” Head lulling back, the world went red then black.

_Broken glass, piles of trash, and beige concrete. V’s arms were slung over the wall, able to pull herself up. Orange glow from the sun, the sound of the waves, the smell of the sea. She could never forget this place. It would be the last thing she’d forget, and she knew that._

Glancing behind her, Johnny was on the ground, seated with his legs spread, one knee up and one leg outstretched in front of him. He looked tired, worn out. V was probably in a worse state, but she was the one standing this time. Not everything from this day was clear, only flashes of important words and phrases, but she remembered the first thing she heard. How softly he spoke to her, looking into her eyes as they talked about the ocean. Promised she’d return the favor one day, so she spoke to him to let him know she still remembered this.

“Get up. Pacific’s beautiful this time of day.”


	9. I hold you in my arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW chapter!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I say NSFW, and there is soft smut, but if you're familiar with my brand(tm) then you'll know this is fairly tame in comparison slkjfksdjfkldf

“Almost flatlined by the attack, princess.”

“Almost...”

Sun shining off the water, the soft sound of the waves, the intercom system that was still active in Pacifica in 2077, and all she could focus on was Johnny, leaned against the wall beside her. Taking off his shades, he tucked them into the front of his tank, mouth pulled back into a straight line. Just like the last time she was here, he was worried for her, and he had every reason to be.

“Was I out long?”

“Dunno. Back on the surface I think they noticed something was wrong and got you fixed up. When you’re, out I’m out. When I came to, we were here. Guessin’ you remember this place?”

V nodded, turning her body to lean like he was, side pressed to the wall, arms crossed over her chest. “I do. Though I think it’s mostly from your perspective. When I think of the room it’s all put together and I’m lyin’ on a bed, losin’ my mind, wishing for the ceiling fan to fail and take my head clean off. Definitely know that’s not me. C’mon,” tilting her head back, she motioned for him to follow, “humor me a bit?”

“Whatever you want, princess.”

Without complaint, Johnny followed V, both walking down the stretch of walkway that led to the room. Appearing like it did in 2077, she looked at the ground, knowing she needed to avoid the trash there. “You think you dragged my body here like last time? Or…?”

“Like I fuckin’ know. Askin’ me shit I don’t have answers to – like last time.” Pace faster than hers, Johnny’s sauntered ahead, hips swaying, and V looked at them for a brief moment before pulling her eyes away. That felt way too familiar for that to be the first time she did that, and shame bubbled up inside.

“May not remember all of the conversation, but I’m pretty sure I just kept askin’ you why we were here and why you took Misty’s pills. Had answers, just refused to give ‘em.” Glass kicked away so she wouldn’t trip, she rounded the corner, spying Johnny leaning back against a pallet of god knows what, waiting for her.

“Why is it you can’t remember dick about anythin’ else, but you remember this day perfectly?” Catching up to him, he walked beside her as they made their way to that window, standing there a moment to speak before they hopped inside.

“Important day for you, wasn’t it? Can’t remember much other than some words we spoke to the other, but I don’t think I’m seein’ my own memories. All I see is this warped vision of guiding you to this window, telling you to climb in, and...Humor me?” Repeating her question, he gave the same response, climbing through the window, standing there to help her through. Pulling a chair out, turned around, she sat backwards on it, legs and arms straddling the back. “There’s supposed to be something in that vent, isn’t there? Open it...”

Getting on the ground, Johnny took the vent off the wall, reaching inside. Golden bullet wrapped in wire on a chain, he held it between his pointer and thumb, arm outstretched. From the angle, V could tell it was obscuring her face as she spoke. “If it came down to it...If I needed you to...Would you take a bullet for me?”

“Dumb ass question, V.”

“Yes or no?”

Lowering the pendant, placing his arm on his knee, and V held her breath waiting for his answer. The conversation in this hotel room was about sacrifice – then and now. So much given up to end up back here, same state that they were in before. Desperate, running out of options, with only the other in their corner.

“I would, yeah. You know I would.” And V exhaled, relieved.

“I do...but just the same, I wanted to hear you say it aloud. That pendant – I know it’s mine. For the life of me, though, I can’t remember where I got it...why there’s a bullet in the middle. Why when I look at it I feel like throwin’ it into the ocean so I don’t have to be reminded of something. Then, I stare at it longer, and I can’t help but feel I should be thankful. Without it I would have never met you.”

Johnny took off the tags around his neck, replacing them with the pendant. Holding them in his hands, he looked up at V, his own resolution heavy on his lips. “Gonna hate me for sayin’ this, but I think you need to keep takin’ those meds the ‘Saka docs are givin’ you. Keepin’ you from havin’ the malfunctions. Meant it when I said you almost flatlined. Felt you dyin’ – felt me creepin’ in.”

“You seriously trustin’ Arasaka?”

A deep sigh, and he nodded. “Gotta. Don’t like ‘em and never will. But right now...we have the same goals. Keepin’ you alive for as long as possible. Sure, treatin’ you like shit, lettin’ you waste away, but they’ll keep your body alive. Waitin’ ‘til they see what it’s like when I take over. That buys us time.”

“Okay...but, I gotta ask...Why trust them now? Why trust them at all? Puttin’ blind faith into a corp that’s really lettin’ me waste away. Puttin’ blind faith in a corp in general, for fuck’s sake. When have you ever done that?” Holding the chair tighter in her arms, she hugged it like it would keep her in this room, waiting to hear him out.

“They use people, V. Use them until they’ve bled them dry – rip everythin’ from the world and then spit in the wound. Only those with Arasaka blood, those who can benefit them, are given the time of day. Right now you fall into the category of people who benefit them.” Another deep sigh, and he held up the tags again. “Remember where these tags came from, V?”

She nodded, the body of a dear friend, covered in blood, life gone from his eyes flashing in her head. “Gave you these here. Asked you the same question – would you take a bullet for me? Remember what you said?”

“That I would.”

“Said it without hesitation – complete, blind faith placed in someone you woulda never trusted before. Know why?” Chain being gripped in his fist, he extended his arm out, the tags jingling as the chain shook in his hand. V shook her head, not remembering that bit. “’Cause I was your only hope. Only person who was gonna get you outta this, even if I still ended up usin’ you for a fun time later that day.”

Eyes closed, she tried to remember that, but she couldn’t. All she could picture was Johnny, telling her she’d do what she thinks is right. Telling her they were skipping the step where she waits for death. And she now regrets telling him she’d roll over and die in the last dream. “Alright, but you and Arasaka aren’t the same. You’re one person. Not just that, you’re a person who...” She didn’t know what she was to him anymore, wanting him to fill in the blanks. 

“Loves you. Loved you then, love you now. And I know those ‘Saka bastards aren’t the same, but they coulda killed you for bein’ an unwillin’ test subject. Just the same as I coulda taken you over and never let you have your body back.”

Wide smile on her face, V nodded again, soaking in those words before she continued on. “Love me enough to compromise your morals?”

“Not compromisin’ shit. Moment I can, I'm blastin’ ‘em to the ground. We’re doin’ what we gotta do to save your life – the comes first before anythin’ else.” Hanging her head, shaking it so that her hair brushed against her cheeks, she still had that stupid grin on her face.

“My memory might be failin’ me, but I don’t think the conversation last time ended like this.” When she looked up, she expected Johnny to meet her with his own stupid grin. Laugh at her little joke. On the contrary, his face was dead serious, still holding those tags out.

“Take ‘em. Might not wake up with ‘em, but you can wear these in the dream.” Sharp needle in her brain, and she remembered something from a dream past.

“Thought you regretted givin’ them to me.”

“Shit said in anger. I don’t regret it – never will. Might say a lotta shit, but...” Standing, he walked over to her, draping the chain around her neck. “Tags are proof of my promise.”

Rubbing her neck, cool metal on the skin of her neck and fingers, she pinched the chain, moving down until she was able to rub the tags between her fingers. “And what promise is that?”

“Think you know.”

“I do, yeah.”

Getting up from the chair, tags in one hand, she used the other to grab Johnny’s, fingers laced together. “So, how’d this conversation end? We gonna play that out?”

Now Johnny matched her grin, lopsided and full of mischief, but that was always how he smiled at her. “Since I got the workin’ memory of the two of us, guess I’ll tell ya. Kissed me then got on your knees and sucked my --'' Cut off by V letting go of the tags and smacking his chest, he laughed, loud and booming, and it was infectious enough to make V laugh with him.

“Yeah, okay! Take me to dinner first, you asshole.” Metal fingers brushed against her cheek, tucking hair behind her ear before cupping the side of her head, protective hand over the port that held the biochip.

“Can’t take ya to dinner, princess. Kinda hate we told each other like this,” thumb rubbing the side of her neck, she shivered at the touch, “shoulda done it sooner.”

“Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Problem for both of us was we had too much to do – too much to think about. Kinda the same in the present, if you think about it. Now even the right time?” Stepping closer, V didn’t want him to stop, but there were so many problems with this. And her biggest regret is that this might be the only time they’d ever have these tender moments together.

“Fuck no it’s not. Right time’s long passed. We don’t gotta, but if we don’t now it’s never happenin’. Your call, princess.” Forehead on his chest next to the hand she left there, V wanted nothing more than to raise on her tiptoes and kiss him. Enjoy this moment while she still could – as V. The V he loves.

“If we do...you’re gonna be left with somethin’ that’ll haunt you forever, ya know? Don’t wanna do that to you...”

“Livin’ with your ghost whether we do this or not.” Metal still pressed to the side of her head, skin wrapped around her shoulder, holding her close, and V looked up, dark brown eyes filled with regret staring into her own. “But alright. Cut my losses. Let’s get outta here. See if we can go to the beach.”

Untangling from the other, tumbling out of that window, and the two of them made the long walk to the beach in silence. As she made it there, the dream seemed to have been breaking down, the sand not feeling like sand under her feet. It was solid, soft – a carpet that led to the water. Johnny was the one who walked to the water, smoking a cigarette as he watched the waves, not bothering to remove his boots. She supposed there was no need; if the sand didn’t feel real neither would the water.

“Johnny...” she called to him, and he turned around, continuing to smoke as he waited for her to keep talking. “Water’s not the same here, I think. Wanna see if we can swim?” Her question confused him, evident by the slight knit in his brows, but he still threw his cigarette into the water, and V watched as it floated off.

“Why would we do that?”

V just shrugged, looking past him to the water. “We can do things in the dreams that we can’t in real life, right? Can’t swim in the real Night City, and I guess I just wanna see what it’s like. Share that with you...”

“Fuck it – why not? Prolly won’t kill us.” Smile back on her face, V started to strip herself of her clothes, wearing nothing but the sports bra she usually had on and her underwear. Johnny did the same, stripping until he was just in his boxers. Walking to him, she took his hand, leading him into the water with her. As she guessed, it didn’t quite feel like water – this pleasant fluid that was slightly warm. Farther out, the ebb and flow of the waves kept pushing her into Johnny, and in order to stay together she let one wave take her to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Arms around her, he held her close. Her mind kept telling her this was wrong, that he’d be left with an aching feeling that would never go away if he survived this ordeal, but she wanted it so badly.

“First time I’ve ever been in the ocean – it always this nice?” Kicking her legs to keep afloat, they brushed against Johnny. Close contact made closer by the water.

“This really what you wanna do? Talk about the fuckin’ water?” V shrugged, unsure of what to even do. If this was even right. Wanting nothing more than to close the distance and blame the waves. Let him kiss her back and blame the waves himself. Excuse after excuse to keep it going until she woke up. Instead, she just looked at Johnny with the backdrop of the ocean around him, orange light behind him.

“Pacific’s beautiful this time of day…”

“That it is, princess.”

Fuck it. Water allowing them to be the same height, V moved her hands to press into the back of his head, bringing his lips to hers. She could blame the waves if he pulled back, and if he wanted more he could blame them as well, just as she thought before.

In return she got a chuckle, lips melding with hers, and in a way they felt as natural against her as if they were her own. Skin on skin, rocked by the waves, he pulled back a moment, and V caught her breath, not even realizing she held it. Her eyes closed, he dove back in, cupping her face, keeping her to him in desperation. V never really knew love, what it meant to have a lover who loved her back, but she understands now. Whispering her name any time they parted, she whispered his back as they were washed out to shore, rolled on the sand by the waves.

On top of him, his hands on her hips still pulling her close, V pulled back one last time. “Are you sure you want --”

“Fuckin’ A I want this. Told you I loved you, didn’t I? Shut up and kiss me.” Brought down by his tags – her tags – she kissed him again, and again, and again, until he rolled her onto her back. And he kissed her over and over, and over again eliciting small noises from her as he did. Hair creating a curtain around her as he lifted up, he looked down at her with such reverence and adoration she forgot all the worries she had in the world. Stripped completely by his hands, hers stripping him, they were left in their natural states, viewing the other for the first time in this way. “Love you so fuckin’ much, V.”

“I love you, Johnny.” Bringing him down by the chain of her pendant, pulled into a heated, sloppy kiss, they rolled around again on the beach, Johnny below her as V opened her mouth, his tongue licking the roof of her mouth at the opportunity. Pulling back from the sudden sensation, greeted to his playful smirk before she was rolled to her side, face to face with him now. Sliding between them, his fingers traced their way to her core, and V lifted her leg to rest over his body to give him better access.

Middle and ring fingers rubbing over her clit, metal arm under her holding her close, it wasn’t long before V was worked up enough to start begging, wanting nothing more than him inside her. Contact between them that brought them even closer than the one soul they were becoming. His skin her skin, his bones her bones, and she wanted it. Fingers drawn back, leaving her aching for his touch, she snaked her own hand down, stroking him from base to tip, smirking at the shuddered breath he let out, turning into a groan as she moved to scissor their legs together, sliding him into her.

“Pussy that preem?” Wanting her voice to come out with a tint of confidence, but it light and airy, Johnny rolling his hips into her, not wanting to pull out from inside her. “’Course it is, princess,” his own response lacking its usual mirth and sarcasm, replaced by husky groans in her ear.

Held so tight to him that there was little room to move, thrusts more circles into her, V’s own hips matching the same movements. Her nails raking down his back, lower half rubbing against his pelvis, his whispering in her ear all the ways he loves her. Whispering back, all the things she can remember about him. Notes in her voice rising higher, his dipping lower, an opera of pleasure accompanied by the waves behind them, pale orange light to light the stage. Nothing rough about this, no usual frantic release, just a slow build.

And at its peak, the curtain closing and the orchestra fading, V crashed her lips to Johnny’s, moaning into the other’s mouths as they came. V first, shaking against him, loud moan buried within him, legs clamping down around him. Johnny came with a less elegant “oh, fuck,” spilling inside her, holding her even closer as he rode out his high, flopping onto his back. Unseated from her, spent, V watched as he caught his breath, leaning up on her elbow in the strange sand of the dream.

Arms open for her, V rested on his chest, letting him hold her tight in the warm rays of the sun. “Did I really just get rockerboy Johnny Silverhand to fuck me in the most romantic way possible?” Light smack against her arm, V giggled, knowing well she wouldn’t have had it any other way, and he knew that.

“Fuck off. Told you, this might have been the only time we’ll ever get to have this. Wanted to make it...worth your while. Somethin’ special. Moment we get outta this mess, I’m throwin’ you against the nearest wall and fuckin’ your brains out ‘til you can’t move.” Laughter on their tongues, they both stayed there on the sand, listening to the waves.

“Johnny...if I don’t make it outta there...If I can’t remember to escape...I hope this was somethin’ nice for you too. Still feel like shit for leavin’ you with this ghost, but I --”

“Would you shut the fuck up? Talk too damn much, princess. That wasn’t about me. But this is...Jus’ lemme hold you.” Cuddling up to him closer, warmth encasing them, V felt herself slipping out of the dream, finally feeling safe for the first time in a long time. Knowing what it was like to be loved. Reality of the dream decomposing, heat waves that normally accompanied her waking thoughts formed around them, and V didn’t want to wake up from this more than ever.

“Hey, wakin’ up soon. Gonna try and keep you here as long as I can.” V nodded, and waited to see what he would do. Ear pressed to him, she heard the rumble of his hum, a song she had never heard before. Trying to search her mind, she came up blank as to what it could be. Mind pulled from waking, consciousness kept in the dream, she wanted to hear it to completion. Figure out what this song was.

_“What song was that?” The sun never moved from its spot in the sky, and in turn the temperature on the sand and on their skin never rose. Rocking and crashing of the waves setting the tempo for the little tune he hummed. “Just made it up. I’ll refine it. Hum it to ya when we make it outta this mess to remind you of today. That way when I make you come against my --” “Don’t ruin this, Johnny.” But there was no way he could. Starting the song back again, V closed her eyes, wishing that she could lie on the beach in Pacifica until she faded into nothing. One last desire, she looked up at Johnny, kissing him until everything around them faded._

No wake up call needed, V rose from the bed, skin warm and lips tingling. Observing her surroundings, she wasn’t in her room, but the medical bay of the clinic, room smaller and more guarded than her own. Things that would have deterred her before, but she knew what she had to do now.

She gave Johnny her pendant. He gave her back his tags. A promise to him, and she was going to make damn good on it. When the opportunity presented itself, she would be leaving this place and making a better life for them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you know how the tags in this fic said I can only be stopped if I'm banished from court? Well my body almost took me out, BUT I'M BACK ON MY BULLSHIT


	10. How I wish that I could

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a few days off, but I'm back!!! And oh I'm bringing pain.

Step one: bide time until she was released from the medical bay. This wing of the station was more heavily guarded than the others, and it likely had everything to do with the fact that she was being held here with other members of the station as well. Only a curtain to divide her from her neighbor, she knew she was being watched closely. Professor Kusama came in, asked her questions. Word association, but all she could think of was Johnny. Each word – just Johnny. Constant reminder to herself as to why she needed to leave.

Sense of self eroded, there was no leaving for her. V, the person, existed as a concept and a body only. Her prison wasn’t this station, but she wasn’t just fighting for herself anymore.

Nightly dreams left her feeling emptier and emptier. Flashes of them came to her when she had idle time to think: a fancy dinner, a roller coaster, somewhere in the countryside where the grass went on for miles. All places important to her. To Johnny. She needed to leave for Johnny.

Step two: find a way to leave. Easier said than done as all things were. V couldn’t tell much what she was doing, but she knew it was working. Days passing, she thinks, where she spent time running as fast as she could from her room, making it down the halls of the station, taking in the surroundings. Tackled to the ground by the guards, brought back, she was put on tighter and tighter watch each time she left the room. Frail, small, lithe – all worked to her advantage and she knew it. Arasaka didn’t take her seriously, but she had enough fight in her. Rebellion in her blood, she blazed a path from her room around that damn clinic as much as she could, information stored in whatever working memory she had.

Whatever working memory was left for Johnny.

Step three: actually execute the plan. For which they did not have. Dreams weren’t spent planning any longer, so it was up to the waking hours that held conscious thought to search for a way out. There were two exit points in the station: the one they arrived from and the emergency shuttles that were used in case of an evacuation. ‘Saka scum didn’t really guard the emergency exit, so that was their most likely path to leave. Shit, it was their only path to leave from, given they couldn’t waltz out the front fucking door.

And V was slipping fast. So fucking fast and there wasn’t much time left for them to leave.

The whole area was blocked off, only accessible through keycards and a number pad. Access codes unlikely to be given to the problem child on the station, their only hope was swiping a keycard. Strong she was not – but she was stealthy if he’d ever seen it. Better than Rogue on any given day. Hidden in plain sight or could quick hack her way through an entire arsenal. Skills that, frankly, weren’t given much thought until this very moment when they were the only way to get out of this hellhole they were in. 

Tackled. Right at the entrance to the shuttles, and the entrance to it looked like it was activated by a standard employee keycard, an easy target to swipe and didn’t require finding a special person to nab it from. Moved to a different room – one that was more openly guarded than before. Obvious cameras, bulkiest guards eddies could by right outside the door, and they still underestimated V. Underestimated them both. Shit won’t stop them from leaving now that the fire was coursing through her veins. 

But for now, it was time to wait. False sense of security. Then they strike.

_Blue and red merging into purple. A single bed in the middle of the room and a chair in front of it. Mirrors on the wall that reflected endless streams of code, sucking the soul from anything it touched. Not daring to come close to the walls, the bed seemed to be the friendliest choice. Lying down, something about this room brought unease and desire – dissatisfaction with the way things were and the burning need to bring it all down. To burn. Burn it all until the goal was met._

Johnny was lying next to her, arms folded in front of him, matching her pose. Palm to palm, fingers slotted between his, and she squeezed, mostly to see if it felt the same as it did for him – like she was squeezing her own hand. It didn’t. Good.

“Where are we?” V didn’t recognize where they were, only the feelings associated with it. The need for touch, for safety, and for change. Something wasn’t right and she needed answers – fast. Mind unsure, she supposed it brought her to wherever this was to get a solution, and she hoped Johnny knew what it was.

“We’re at fuckin’ Clouds. Hate this damn place. Weird as hell bein’ back here with you, ‘specially lyin’ on this bed.” Brows knitted together, V just looked around, not seeing anything that gave her anymore clues past the name of the place. Nothing to indicate why he wouldn’t want to be here or why it would be weird. “Doin’ good. Got a plan in place.” Johnny seemed to push it out of his mind, though, reminding her of something good instead.

“I don’t...remember makin’ a plan...Don’t...” Her own voice, familiar yet so foreign.

“’Member a lot, I know. Keep remindin’ you, but the dreams are the only time we’re separated. Speakin’ to the V that’s left.” Scooting closer, Johnny’s hand left hers so that he could wrap it around her body.

Gone. Almost everything was gone, and the only thing she knew that was right and true was Johnny. Freed, she used her hands to cup his face, holding her entire world right between her palms. Everything from her life before was a movie played in the other room, loud enough to hear the dialogue, but she couldn’t see the action. She knew the plot, the characters, and the setting, but fuck she couldn’t see any of it. But she could see Johnny.

And he looked devastated. Nothing but sadness in those dark eyes. V couldn’t remember what changed between them to allow this, but she knew it was right to kiss him. When their lips met V felt whole again. Slotted in the piece that was missing, and maybe everything under her skin felt too big and her emotions were so strong she wanted to scream out, but this was all V. What she wanted.

“Not real aware of much else, but...I keep havin’ this urge to tell you how much I love you. To remind you that I do.” Words to remind herself as well, needing to remember that above all else. In a list, she knew she was V and she knew she loved Johnny. Everything else was in that movie reel, and the more time she spent in these dreams the louder the volume became, but it was never the same.

“V, you tell me every night – almost the first fuckin’ thing out your mouth ‘sides askin’ where we are. And I’m fuckin’ pissin’ myself over thinkin’ that one day you won’t remember to say it.” A kiss to her forehead, and she was brought so close to his chest that she could barely breathe, but she still wrapped her arms around him to draw herself in closer. “I love you, V. Know that right?”

“Yeah, I know.” She didn’t. Lance piercing through her chest at that realization, but at least he reminded her. Gave her hope for something better. “How could I ever forget that?”

A deep sigh from him, and she felt him shaking. Crying, she thinks, but Johnny doesn’t cry. Never cries, so it must be her. Phantom sensations from her making him shake. “Ain’t sleepin’ as long as you used to. Thinkin’ that’s my fault...but we can’t spend time together as long as we want – as I want. Fuck, V. Just wanna keep you here...Each damn dream feels like it’ll be the last time I see ya.”

“Could always make the most of our time in here. Love it when you sing. Mind doin’ that for me? If you’re right and one of these dreams is the last time we’re together, I wanna have it so that you’re singin’...Like you’re singin’ me to sleep.” She placed a light kiss to his collarbone, and he snorted out a laugh, still shaking like he was crying. But it had to be her.

“Hate music – why the fuck would I sing to you if you hate music?” This time V snorted out a laugh, and it earned her a kiss to the top of her head.

“Hmmm. Thinkin’ that was the old V. Has to be. ‘Cause I want nothin’ more than to listen to your music.” Movie playing in her head, she recalled that he was right. She did hate music. “Only person who could make me love it again. Fall back in love with all the things that I used to hate. Thinkin’ you’re on that list too, given what comes back to me every now and then.”

Joy back in his voice, Johnny let out a short “pfft” before continuing to talk. “Never hated me, V. Just as I never hated you. Got off on the wrong foot – that’s all. Shit, past that first night your soul felt like my own, and how could I hate that?” Brushing aside his actual self hatred, she couldn’t argue with that. Even now, his soul felt like her own as well, and she loved that feeling.

Instead of singing, he hummed to her, and V closed her eyes, letting the notes wrap themselves around her. A love song, she thinks. One that reminded her of sands on the beach, crashing waves, and warm sun. Long hours spent in the water, pushed into the body that felt like home. Kisses that went on longer than they needed to until she fell asleep.

“What’s the title of this one?”

Pausing his humming, he gave a quick answer. “Still haven’t named it. But it’s your song,” spoken in a whisper before he kept on, repeating the same soft melody over and over again.

_“Should be a little more aggressive then, I think. Seems too soft for you...for me. For us. Plus, hummin’ sounds like shit. Better built for screamin’ into a mic.” Laughter interrupted his song, everything in the room stopping. V knew this meant the end of the dream. “There you are, princess. Ain’t completely gone yet.”_

Knuckles cracked, break in formation of the guards, legs stretched out a minute ago, and it was time to run again. High School football – never played, but this is what it reminded him of. Busting through the line of meathead jocks that had rocks for brains and never fucking listened to an intelligent statement in their life. Most of them probably ate shit for a living working for some corp. At least he did something worthwhile, even if it did land him making an escape plan inside the body of his dying output. Dying output he was bruising the body of once he bolted from this room. Wouldn’t be jack shit of her left if he kept all of this up, but he was trying. Had to. For V.

And try he did. How they hadn’t put a bullet in her head was beyond him. If he were in charge of this station she would have been put down after the first meltdown she had. But, he guessed this was their way of seeing if daddy’s little boy would take on all or just some of Saburo’s traits. Shit, had some fun throwing them off while he made the plan. He even got good at pretending to be V during some of the tests, putting on that little corpo voice of hers, all before breaking down and whining about how she doesn’t know shit. Certainly couldn’t be Johnny doing all that. And it might have kept them alive long enough to get this done. Though, the cover was likely blown when he started yelling about how Arasaka was a skidmark to the underwear that was life as he wrestled with the guards and medical staff.

Didn’t matter much to him – didn’t zero V’s body nor did they search it. And he had a keycard.

No possible way to make it back out of the room today (or until the next guard change, which was in twelve hours), he had to wait more time. Time he didn’t have because fuck. V was almost gone. Barely felt any of her left.

_2023\. Arasaka Tower. Plan: simple. Get in, plant a bomb, drop some elevator cords, get Murph into the mainframe, save Alt, destroy Mikoshi. Maybe publish a manifesto. Who fucking knows. Johnny certainly felt like there was enough time, but Rogue and everyone else thought there wasn’t. What did they know?_

Everything had gone like it was supposed to. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, save having to flatline some guards. Malorian reloaded, he had uploaded Liberator into the systems and was planning on leaving the building. Really, he couldn’t thank Murph enough for all this. Fuck, couldn’t thank Rogue enough either. He’d have to remember to do that on the roof. Making it to the set of doors that would take him from this floor to the roof, Johnny was blasted to the story below by an explosion.

Coughing, he tried to scramble up, but his body was damaged beyond repair. No amount of cyberware could have prevented the shock from falling down that far after a blast that large, and Johnny wasn’t sporting much besides his arm nowadays. On his elbows after a short struggle, Johnny looked up to see something he relived many times before, but made so, so much worse.

“V...” Right there, brandishing a gun pointed his way. Smasher’s gun. Thank fuck she wasn’t in his body, but she was still there playing the part. And he couldn’t stop himself from picking up that Malorian and firing off rounds. Luckily, playing out this dream like he was on rails, he took out the guards beside her first. “Fuck, V! It’s me! You don’t gotta do this!”

Jumping down, her legs landed with ease, and walked menacingly slow towards him. “Johnny...I can’t...I can’t stop this. You gotta play out the dream.”

“Yes you can! Stopped plenty of your fuckin’ nightmares!” Moving without permission, Johnny fired off round after round into V, hearing her cry out each time. But she just kept moving closer and closer, not looking like she would be stopping. Tip of the gun pressed to his chest, she was crying, shaking, trying hard to pull it away.

Fight or flight, and Johnny always chose fight. Bullet after bullet fired into V, and he couldn’t stop it. “I don’t wanna fire into you! Gotta kill me ‘fore I do! Please, Johnny! End it!” Every muscle in her arm straining against the gun, try as she might she couldn’t pull it from him. No better a state, Johnny fired one last shot, right in the middle of her forehead. Instantly, V fell to the ground, and Johnny was free to move on his own, like the spell was broken.

“V!” Limp body pulled into his arms, there was no life behind her eyes. Corpse of his lover, lost in the same tower as his other. Loss, grief, regret, all so strong as he held V in his arms. “Princess, c’mon...wake up. Jus’ a dream. Gotta move to the next one...” But the strongest emotion he felt was guilt. He’d felt it the entire time he’d been in her head.

Whole life ahead of her, and there he was, killing her slowly. May as well have put a bullet in her head back then as he did now in this nightmare. Result would have been all the same, but maybe without less heartache. Told V that the memory of him finding Alt would be the nightmare he relived for the rest of his days. The one where every detail was imprinted on him, never to be erased.

Now he had two of them.

Blood dripped onto his hand as he held the back of her head, and she didn’t move. Pulse stopped, color draining from her features – those lips that kissed him and told him that she loved him were turning purple. “Let’s get outta here, princess. Gotta move on...meet ya somewhere nice. Take ya back out to the Badlands, huh? Sit under the stars? Know you don’t fuckin’ remember ‘em, but I keep steerin’ ya towards spots where I can take ya on dates. Love the stars a lot. C’mon, we go there again...” Eyes that shone so bright dulled as he spoke.

_Room closing in, the dream was ending. “No...No. No. No!” V was gone. Left with another corpse. He killed her. He killed her. He killed her. He killed her._

Johnny woke up screaming.

“V!” Patting her body, her head, anywhere he could touch, he tried so hard to feel her. See where she was. Call out to her. “Fuck! V! Get outta your head!” Hair pulled by the roots, he screwed his eyes shut, hoping to hell that he could pull her out. Dig up her consciousness from deep inside.

Nothing.

He killed her.

V.

She’s gone.

He killed her.


	11. Break into your dreams

Fucking lap dog must have been called in to check whether or not it was Johnny or V. Of all the corpos, Takemura wasn’t exactly the worst he’d met. Wasn’t the best, but that distinction was left to someone he believes is long gone now. Few things Johnny did know was that Takemura, for whatever reason, thinks he owes V, is conflicted to hell and back about rejoining the ‘Saka family line, and he turns off the cameras when he comes in. All things that could help him in some way.

V must have rubbed off on him, because the first thing he does when Takemura entered the room was scan him and the cameras. Paranoid bastard, sure, but nothing like how V was. He was unarmed and the cameras were off. Made fun of her for being too cautious when dealing with people once, but damn he gets it now. Every suit for themselves. Guy sat in the same chair everyone else did, and he didn’t even make a move to be near V. Bad sign.

“You are not V.” Statement of fact, and one he was correct in. Still, Johnny was, is, always will be a bastard.

“Kinda rude don’t you think? Comin’ in here and assumin’ I’m not the person owns this body. Harsh.” Arms crossed, Takemura’s expression changed, but not for the better. Turned ice cold, and Johnny knew this man caught the bluff.

“V would not have that look in her eyes. Have you assumed complete control?”

Windows to the soul, he supposed. But the lap dog is right – V rarely ever had the stern stare he did. World might have fucked her up, but she still had kind eyes. Loved those eyes, and he hated he was ruining them.

“If you’re askin’ if there’s any V left...Dunno. Can’t feel ‘er. Squashed her mind like a fuckin’ bug. If V’s in here, she’s buried deep.” That seemed to make Takemura even more despondent, and Johnny couldn’t blame him. Did him no better. “So, here to put me down like the family dog, or you just come to chat me up outta morbid curiosity?”

A deep sigh from Takemura, and Johnny could see the absolute look of grief on his face. No matter his opinion of the fucker, he and V were as close as two corpos could be. Saw eye to eye on many things, understood what it meant to live the lives they did, and damn she even saved the guy when she didn’t have to. They were choombas – not close, but choombas if he ever saw them. “I...I do not know why I came. Maybe it is as you said – morbid curiosity.” He rubbed his face, and Johnny just felt plain bad for the guy. Conflicted about something, but who was he to care? Had his own set of problems, and all of them began and ended with V.

“Then get out. Got shit to think over, shit to do. Know you were tryin’ to help V, but I don’t think you like her parasite. If you were just here to say hello to Silverhand, he sends his regards.” Flipping him off, it felt wrong with V’s hand. Fingers that weren’t rough or stiff – didn’t strain at the action like his did.

“Your plans with her body – what are they?”

“Ain’t gonna make ‘em. Figurin’ you’re either the execution squad or you’re informin’ ‘em that Johnny-boy is runnin’ the show. Even if I did have plans, you’re not hearin’ what they are.”

String of Japanese curses, and Johnny raised one of V’s brows at the action. Fucker had a dirty mouth. “V gave up everything to save you, time and time again. Hindsight has told me that she did not help me get in contact with Hanako-sama for herself. Did not make this deal to save her own skin. No matter what bullshit you spew or who you are, she cares for you. You are in her head – you understand she is a friend of mine and I a friend of hers. We do not know each other well, but I care for her just as she cares for you. I will not let you use her body to,” hand moving in front of him, Johnny couldn’t tell if he was searching for the right words or find a way not to tell Johnny to go fuck himself. “To do something that tarnishes her honor. I believe she deserves better than your foolish ambitions.”

His opinion of Takemura didn’t matter – at least this guy was looking out for V. “Think it’s smart tellin’ me your weak point? Basically just confirmed you care about at least one thing in your life.” Though, he wasn’t not going to be dick about it.

“Do you think I do not know yours?” 

“Alright. What’s ‘Saka gonna do with V’s body?”

“I do not know. They will not tell me, which is not good.”

Tapping V’s finger against her thigh, Johnny weighed his options. Fuck it – what options? Tell Takemura and get choked to death, or wait it out until someone else from Arasaka comes to zero him? “Swiped a keycard that activates the emergency shuttles. Dunno what I’ll do on the surface, but V ain’t stayin’ here. I’m not stayin’ here. If there’s any hope for V, it’s back on Earth.” Takemura was likely bugged, given his reaction the last time V spoke to him, but unlike the previous time he didn’t make a move to leave.

“For that, you are right. There is no hope left for her here. I wish you good luck. If she were here, this would have been my final goodbye, and my final act of repentance. But I see I am not needed for much. My help, what little I can offer, runs out in five minutes – you or V cannot contact me again, but I have repaid my debt to her.” Locked on him, Johnny watched as Takemura rose from the chair, back turned to him as he headed for the door.

“Prolly gonna end poorly for you. Worth helpin’ V and risking your hide for it?”

“Do you care? Or is this your own version of morbid curiosity?”

“Me? Couldn’t give two shits. But I ain’t askin’ for me.”

Shoulders raised then lowered at the sound of a deep exhale. “You will never see things from our perspective. Loyalty is hard earned, but rarely is it ever put to the test to such extremes as I have experienced in this year. Twice I have been asked to show where my loyalty lies, and twice I have made a misstep before correcting my mistakes.” A look back over his shoulder, and he looked at V’s body with the mind of a terrorist inside. “To V, I should have helped sooner. To you, go fuck yourself.”

Parting words that seemed fitting for them both, and Takemura was out the door. Used up time with that little discussion, but if Johnny got V back, she’d be happy to know Takemura wouldn’t have another demon haunting him.

Keycard hidden under her clothes, spring in his step, and Johnny knew he didn’t have a lot of time before the security measures would be coming back online. Cameras still off, no guards by the door, and Johnny got a head start before the alarms were tripped by V’s exit from her room. Ducking into halls, not caring how V’s legs burned as he ran, the mad dash to the shuttles took little time with little resistance. Sliding under guards on the floor before getting up and continuing the sprint, slamming them into walls when he could, he had to make sure his movement was constantly forward instead of getting trapped behind.

Emergency shuttles in plain view, Johnny was in the home stretch. Stashed keycard out, he swiped it on the pad, the doors opening, Arasaka guards right on his heels. This time they weren’t fucking around, finally taking out the iron they packed, shooting at V. Bullet lodged in her leg, another in her shoulder, and Johnny hoped to hell V forgave him for loading her full of more bullets. Automated message going through the station, telling all the workers to immediately head to the shuttles, and at least that would create enough of a distraction for him to escape without people trying to tail him.

All the shuttles open, Johnny hopped in one, landing himself another bullet in the same shoulder when he did, trying hard to ignore the pain. First thing he needed to do when he got back to Earth was go see Vik. If anyone could get V back in working order, mentally or physically, it was him. Hydraulics on the door closing it, Johnny watched the autopilot on the shuttle activate, giving some scripted message. “Yeah, yeah! Just fuckin’ go!” yelling at it like it was some Delamain that would react to him.

Launched into space, no one else launched with him, the entire station flashing red behind him, and he was somehow free. V was free. Maybe not for long, and maybe not without complication, but for now...They did it.

Pain sinking in, Johnny hissed, too high pitched for his liking, joy of everything briefly having him forget this was V’s body. Searching the shuttle, there was a first aid kit, and he used it to huff some MaxDoc just to ease the pain. He’d leave the bullets in her skin, if only because he didn’t trust himself enough to remove them without causing more damage. The shuttle itself was bare bones, mostly gray and black, with seats like an airplane. Everything was automated, and when he looked at the landing location he was pleased it was in the Badlands. Meant that these things weren’t set to land right near ‘Saka Tower or any other space controlled by them.

Exhaustion taking him over, Johnny sunk into one of the seats, plush enough to have him get a little too comfortable. Unable to stop it, V’s eyes started to close, and damn she was tired. He was tired. They were beyond the point of being rested enough for anything, yet they still made it out. Fuck his little merc was amazing.

_This shuttle made him feel like he was back in the tanks down in Mexico and damn he hated it. Johnny wasn’t a fan of being in spaces he couldn’t immediately leave from, especially if they were dark and closed in. Worse, something felt off. Something was missing. Something – someone important. He had to find her._

The only lights in the shuttle were from the displays, making everything a little too dark for his tastes. Johnny really hated having cyberware, but he couldn’t help but be thankful for having cyberoptics with Low Lite. Made everything a little less intense. Searching the shuttle, he needed to find V. If she still existed.

Finding himself in the back of the shuttle, he made his way through the various rooms. Endless in mystery was the gift of this dream, every room he opened seeming stranger and more devoid of substance. Things were in the rooms, but he knew they were facades – created by his mind to fill in the gaps left empty by V’s absence. He’d never been in a dream without her, as it was her brain that produced them, though he supposed with the biochip taking her over almost completely that it was his brain now.

Not like he didn’t kill her soul anyway.

Death – the one thing he was used to. How many people had to die for him? His father died when he was younger. His mother drank herself into oblivion, though he never saw her obituary. The Mexican conflict took all the friends he ever made in the army, including the one he held most dear. Took his own life in a lot of ways. Then there was Alt, the lover he plugged the plug on. Now there was V.

Another room opened, and nothing was inside.

He thought about it once or twice – would he love V if he didn’t live inside her soul? If he’d given her the chance, probably would have. Loved all of her – good and bad. Didn’t need to live in her soul to see who she was, making it plain as day for someone as soon as she was comfortable enough. It was getting there, he supposed. Echoing in the room, he chuckled at the thought of meeting her at a Samurai concert, so out of her element that she would stick out. Back in the day she would have probably worn those bulky jackets the corp chicks donned, and that would have drawn his eyes immediately. God forbid if they met at a corp sponsored party that he was sometimes dragged to by the record label. Though, if he had heard her play he would have struck up conversation.

Making his way to the front of the shuttle where the seats were, he kept thinking of her, hoping it would call out her soul. Told her at the Pistis Sophia the first time that she wasn’t his type, and he meant that. Nothing like any other piece of ass he chased or any other output he’d ever held down. They didn’t have what he and Rogue did – that fiery bond that burned down the city, turning into a dependable friendship. When he behaved himself, that is. Didn’t have what Alt did with him – whirlwind romance that consumed the soul, doomed from the start. Supernova explosion that burned bright, hot, and passionate, but fizzled out into nothingness.

No, V wasn’t his type. Johnny wouldn’t have chased her down or believed it was love at first sight. But she’s what he needed. Didn’t tolerate his bullshit, challenged his worldview, matched his wit. Up at 3 AM, arguing philosophy while she tapped out Animals in a dingy sex club with that pig. Called him a dick, he called her a cunt, and at the end they realized it was useless arguing over it because Johnny and V believed in the same things, just stood from different watchtowers. That these ideas could coexist together, and should coexist together, if only because it showed how things merge. Two sides of the same coin – two ways to see the world that came to a common ground. At least Johnny realized it. V was always slow on the uptake unless she was familiar with the topic.

The front of the shuttle reached, he pushed open those doors to find the airport style seats waiting for him, and he realized there was something inside.

Three rows of seats searched, the fourth row held what he was looking for. Curled up in the middle seat was V, asleep peacefully. Relief so strong it made his chest hurt, Johnny couldn’t move for a moment, just gripping the front of his tank to try and relieve some of the pressure. Arm rests lifted on all the seats, Johnny settled in, pulling V into his lap, stroking her hair.

“Princess, time to get up. Fuckin’ lazy as shit, and you’ve been sleepin’ for too long.” Nightmare of her corpse still fresh in his mind, he hoped he was holding her sleeping body rather than the dead one he left to rot in her own brain. But she looked like V. All the color in her was there, her body was warm, and he felt her breathing. Dreams could always be deceiving, and he waited for it to turn into a nightmare where her body turned cold and bloody.

Movement in her, she was stirring in her sleep, waking up curled against him. He let out a little chuckle at the way she snorted when she finally woke up the entire way. “Wha...where am I? Who’re you?” Not taking it personally, he knew sometimes it took her a little for what was left of her memory to come back.

“Just a rockerboy who fell in love with an ex-corpo merc, that’s all.” She laughed at that, though it was the same way most people laughed at a cheesy pick up line, not one laced with recognition.

“Got a name there, rockerboy?”

“Johnny. Mind tellin’ me who you are, princess?” Shifting around more, he moved them so that they were lying down, face to face, on the seats. Tight fit, but holding V close to him always helped her along.

“You know who I am, Johnny.” Not a confirmation she knew who she was, but it was close enough. He didn’t kill her, yet. “Feel weird...what’s happenin’?”

“Busted our asses outta that station, and for whatever reason my head ain’t as creative as yours. Dreamin’ from inside the fuckin’ shuttle that’s takin’ us back to Earth. Landin’ in Panam’s backyard, and that bitch better come get us.” Aldecaldos were nosy motherfuckers, and he hoped that this time would be the time they come looking.

“Panam?” She closed her eyes, trying to search. He let her, hoping something would come back. “Nomad chick, right?”

“That’s the one. Finest ass I’ve ever seen.” That earned him a light smack, and V was becoming more and more herself. Taking longer to get there, but everything seemed to come back enough to give V some sense of who she was and what she did. Noticed, however, that the memories they shared were stronger. He bet if he asked about her parents she wouldn’t remember she had any. “But, we’re goin’ home, V.”

“I am home...”

“This look like your fuckin’ apartment?” Another smack and he chuckled back to her. “I get what ya mean.” Soft kiss to her forehead, her hands pulled him down into a kiss, allowing himself to sink into it. Eyes closed, he didn’t want to open them, just continue to kiss her like this and pretend all was right in the world.

Plans weren’t something that ever worked out for him, though, and he was pulled by something in his mind to break the kiss and open his eyes. “Better get movin’ V. Thinkin’ we need to be somewhere else.”

Helping her, they both stood, hand in hand, walking towards the back of the shuttle where the red string of fate was pulling him.

_The Esoterica. Looking exactly as he remembered it. Reeked of incense and looked like a hippie commune. But he liked Misty. Respected him, and for that he had to respect her. He figured like the other dreams Misty would be a prop – lifeless. When he and V stepped towards the counter, Misty’s figure animated itself, leaning over with her tarot deck in hand. “Long time no see, V. Nice to meet you, Johnny.” V asked who this was, and Johnny just left it at, “Name’s Misty. She’s weird as fuck, but I like ‘er.” Shuffling the cards, she asked if they’d like a reading, one for them both. V agreed first, and Johnny relented. First card pulled and placed, Misty spoke the word, “Death,” as Johnny stared down the image of a skull licking a sword. “This is the card of transformation. Your next journey won’t be easy, but it’s not like you can stop it, can you?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this fic is the actual epitome of "I wrote this for me and two other people but y'all can read it if you want" sdklfjksdljfkldsjfs
> 
> Also, this is the chapter where the outline went "Takemura ex machina" and I think that's valid


	12. Down to the waking hours...

Crash landing was a mild way to put what happened to that damn shuttle. Whether through some Arasaka meddling or its original programming, the shuttle plummeted to Earth and slammed into the sand that made the Badlands a miserable fucking place. Johnny was no stranger to riding with Nomads, having done it twice so far in his life, but fuck he hated the sand. And thank fucking god this shuttle was built like a tank, V’s body already in a dilapidated state. Didn’t need it even more damaged by some shotty ass ‘Saka shuttle ejecting it midlanding. Sand poured in from the parts of the metal that were peeled back, getting inside the clothes V wore and those still open bullet wounds. At least Johnny put on the damn seat belt.

In and out for hours, he couldn’t get her body to move. Pushed to its limits, all he could do was wait to see who would be coming to get him. Arasaka goons or hick Nomads. Deal with the consequences when they came. Nothing to do now but give her body some rest while he didn’t have much of a choice.

Engines, the sound of tires on sand, and arguing – that’s what woke Johnny next. Didn’t tell him which group found the shuttle, all of those things not conclusive enough, but the closer it got the more he recognized those voices. Opening V’s eyes, her optics must have been busted, everything blurred and glitched, blue lines across his entire field of vision.

“Shuttle’s an evacuation vehicle! Ain’t gonna find any supplies up here, I don’t think!” Who was the one with the cowboy hat? Cassidy? Yeah, that’s it. No one else had an accent that thick. At least not of the people he knew from around here.

“Thinkin’ you’re right. All the same, worth the check. Never know what ‘Saka wanted to have leave whatever station this thing came from. Certainly ain’t people – not a soul in here.” And then there was Mitch, likely the one who tried to get to the shuttle first. Please, just one more voice.

“Sounds good to me! Got enough people waiting while we search, so we better find something worthwhile. Gonna be real pissed if we loaded up the vehicles for a bust.” There it was. Lovely Panam and her fine ass. V hated when he talked about it, but he caught her staring a few times too. Fond memories between them, and he hoped to be able to talk about them with her again.

Frustration built between the three of them, audible in their voices, finding empty room after empty room, concluding the only thing that they’d be able to get from this shuttle is scrap metal. Steps got closer, and Johnny tried to make some kind of noise, only succeeding in letting out a pathetic groan. “Got a passenger! Think they’re hurt!” Boots tapped quicker on the floor, and it had to have been Mitch who found V. No hat on his head, and certainly not Panam’s bright color scheme. “Panam! Think you might wanna get over here!”

“Why!? I’m not the damn medic, Mitch!” But she came closer regardless, complaints to Mitch getting louder and louder. Another pathetic noise from V’s throat, and Panam gasped. “V!? Oh god! V!” Likely without thinking, Panam began to remove the seat belt that kept V’s body in the seat, and Johnny let out a sharp hiss when she grazed the more tender areas. “Oh shit! Mitch, she’s hurt real bad. Gotta get our ripper to --”

“Vik’s...” First words he spoke to Panam in V’s body, and damn he hated that all she heard was V’s voice as he spoke. “Back of...Misty’s Eso...terica.” Deep breath in, he pushed through, trying to ignore all the pain in V’s body. “Take me...to...Vik’s.”

Panam pushed some of V’s hair away from her face, studying it before nodding. “Of course – anything.” Looking at Mitch, she put on that booming voice, barking out her commands. “You heard her, Mitch! Let’s load her into my truck – I’ll get her to Night City! The rest of you gut this thing for all its useful parts. Thinking this wasn’t a bust at all!”

Carefully, Panam and Mitch lifted V, Mitch doing most of the carrying with Panam helping stabilize her. In Panam’s truck, he was silent the whole ride, not wanting to tip Panam off that it wasn’t V in her body. He wasn’t ready for that yet. Would never be ready for that. And he just hoped Vik would be able to pull V out – deep down somewhere, buried under Johnny.

In and out, and Johnny only processed the commotion at Vik's, everyone being all hands on deck, Misty and Panam down there with him, gathering supplies for him. Certainly wasn’t the worst state V’s body had been, that might have been after getting zeroed by Deshawn, but it couldn’t have been a pretty sight. Finally out, the last thing he heard was, “V? Are you...are you in there?”

_Grass in his hair, he brushed it out with his fingers when he sat up, hating the feeling of lying on the ground. Studying them, Johnny noticed that the pads of his fingers were raw, nails chewed to stubs, and clean of tattoos. Both hands there. Relics of a past long, long forgotten._

Fucking mother dearest was probably inside on the phone, cigarette between her fingers, flicking the ash into a mug of old, stale coffee. Landline always tied up, chatting away with whomever struck her fancy at the moment – friend, lover, relative. It was never Johnny. Well, usually it wasn’t. Had to do a lot of fucked up shit to earn her attention.

Standing all the way up, grass and dirt brushed off his clothes, he looked around at the back of the house. Marks from his shoes were on the side paneling, always sneaking in the window after dark, sometimes sneaking in other people. The deck was covered in shit furniture, rotted to hell, Johnny having broken his ankle when his foot fell through once. That was one hell of a day trying to convince his mom it was broken and he wasn’t bullshitting her. He guessed it was Spring, given the daffodils that were lining the damn house, left over from when he and his grandma planted them when he was younger.

Nostalgia shot right into his veins, and he hated that he somehow missed this. Worst years of his life, so he thought, pushing him into the army, sending him into a spiral. Young fucking pissbrain who thought he had it all figured out – it would bring him stability, an income, and an escape. But nah. Landed him where he was now, one bad choice after another.

If he could do one thing right, it would be saving V.

Speaking of, he didn’t feel her in the dream. Knew she wasn’t beside him. Fear caused him to keep looking at the daffodils, muscles in his thigh twitching, trying to bounce his leg even though he was standing. Last time they were here he picked her one of these, and he was glad he did. There were better flowers in the front of the house, but he doubted he could go and get them. So, just in case, he picked her another. Fucking hopeless romantic if he ever saw it – V was the type of chick who liked getting flowers. She’d never tell anyone, but luckily he didn’t have to ask. Just knew. 

Turning around, he looked straight to the bench swing they sat on last time. And there she was, asleep, lying down on her side on the swing with her arms tucked under her head. Faint, but there. Trek made to her, he knelt down in front of her, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. “Alright, lazy ass. Wake it up.” But she didn’t.

“Princess, c’mon. This swing’ll hurt your back if you sleep on it too long – trust me.” Shaking her shoulder, she still stayed asleep. Not a good sign. “Hey, V. You in there? Not really likin’ the idea of bein’ in your head alone.” Nothing. But she was breathing, eyes moving behind the lids, signs of life that let him know she was still with him.

“Alright, fine. Be a bitch. Sleep it off – tired as shit anyway. Here, leave this for ya when you get up.” Daffodil placed beside her on the bench, Johnny kissed her forehead. Sitting down on the ground, he turned so that his shoulders rested on the bench swing, sitting in silence.

_When he looked at his house, he thought about when they all moved in. His dad was still alive back then, and he hated every memory of the fucker. The kind of man he loathed – abusive, cruel, narcissistic, manipulative. The kind of man Johnny himself turned into. Some kind of generational curse, he thinks. Johnny didn’t even realize it, that slow transition into something he didn’t he didn’t have conscious thought of. Shit, even took on some of his mom’s worst traits, hating her almost just as much. Try so hard to avoid something and you never know when you’re walking right into a trap. At least with V she helped him realize what it was that he missed for all those years. Gave him the room to grow. He just hoped he didn’t have to embark on the rest of the journey alone._

Johnny woke up.

And fuck if he didn’t want to.

Just as V had naively thought that Hanako would save them, maybe Johnny felt the same way about Vik. Watched the man perform literal miracles before – but, maybe so had Hanako. No miracles were to be had by her hands, and certainly no miracles were performed today. Being awake now, looking around that clinic bathed in red, Johnny felt dread creep in. Creep deep into every fiber that held him together, which frankly weren’t that many now. “Hey, Vik...”

“Johnny.”

His face – fuck, V’s face, tensed at hearing that. The voice of a man in pain. “How’d you...know it was me?” Did he even want that answer? There was no question in Vik’s voice, just conviction. No wiggle room for interpretation once he got an answer. 

“Did a scan of V’s brain right when the biochip was slotted in her. Checkin’ to see how her neural network was doing – mostly because I had to repair a lot of damage from the bullet. Compared that scan to the one done when you arrived...It’s...” He removed those glasses, pinching his nose, and Johnny didn’t want to show anything. So he got angry.

“So, what!? I really did fuckin’ kill ‘er!? Ain’t nothin’ left!?” And that man kept pinching his nose, breathing heavily like he too was trying not to feel.

“What? You think if I could’ve I would’ve let you take her over? You think I want some terrorist asshole in her body!?” Vik seemed to have gotten to the same point Johnny did – anger instead of…

Instead of so many things swirling around inside that there was no way to categorize them all.

“Sure, there’s some of V in there, but it...Even if I pumped her full of the best blockers I can get my hands on, all I’d get is you. Other ways I can combat it, but --”

Leather creaking from the chair as Johnny stood, V’s short body rising to its full height, he stormed over to Vik, always fucking seated in that stupid little chair, wheeling himself around so casually. Like he didn’t have someone to save. Front of his scrubs gripped, Johnny forgot how strong V was when her body was running off pure spite and frothing ire. “So you let her die!? Let her fuckin’ bury herself in her own brain!? Why!? ‘Fraid of somethin’!? Cut me out – fuckin’ destroy me! But you need to get V back! Get her back!” Small arm reeled back, fist connecting with Vik’s face, the stronger man didn’t hit back. “Quit bein’ a fuckin’ pussy! Do somethin’!”

Metal gate to the clinic thrown open, Panam must have been alerted to the fact something was going on, peeling V’s body away from Vik. “V!? Are you fucking nuts!? What’s gotten into you!?” Whipping around to face her, he saw everything leave Panam. Joy, hope, familiarity. “No...You!” Pushing V to the ground, Panam shook, fists clenched as she looked down at her friend’s body. “No! What did you do!?” V told few people about him, and even fewer what might eventually happen. Panam was on that list, and damn if he hated that for her. Made everything so much fucking worse. Banshee shriek, Panam was the one punching V, punching Johnny, because he’s the one who felt it.

An outlet was an outlet, even if he should have let Panam wail on him. Punches thrown at her, they didn’t connect hard enough to do much damage. Nor did he have the time to land more than some little bitch slaps before Vik picked up V’s body, throwing it into the leather chair, kicking Panam out of the clinic. “Stop! Just...Stop.” Parting words before he left his own clinic, muttering something about needing fresh air.

One is the loneliest number, and he had no companions. Wringing V’s hands together to try and release the tension in them, someone had taken the time to paint her nails. Likely brushed her hair too. Taken care of her. They loved her. He loved her. Fuck.

“Hey, honey.” Great. Another person to disappoint.

“’M not V.”

“I know.” Misty sat down on that leather chair, hand rested on V’s thigh. “Heard you yellin’ at Vik. V wouldn’t use those words, so I figured it had to be you. Helped Vik while he was looking after V’s body – things didn’t look good then. Now wouldn’t be any different. You...okay?”

“Do I look fuckin’ ‘okay’!?” Misty didn’t react to his yelling, just ran her hand up and down V’s thigh until he slapped it away. Even then, she just put it on V’s shoulder, applying a reassuring pressure. It didn’t calm him, but it made the anger wash away, and he hated that.

“Talking – it helps. Mind tellin’ me what V meant to you?” Cold laugh his response, he felt the choking pressure in his throat, the sting in his eyes, the hitch in his breath. Even if he wanted to tell Misty everything, there was no way he could get through it all without breaking down the wall that kept him from showing more than three emotions to people he didn’t know.

“She...said she’d take a bullet for me.”

“Funny, that’s what Jackie told me.” She got up, and Johnny closed V’s...his eyes. V wasn’t home anymore. “Come on, don’t have to stay down here. Sure you don’t want to. Anywhere you wanna go?”

“Rooftop. Just...take me up there and leave me alone, alright?” Getting up himself, he followed Misty after she looked back at him and said, “Sure, don’t mind that. Know you might not want to, but if you need to talk, I’m here to listen.”

Elevator ride taken in silence, leaned against the back wall while Misty faced the doors, and he wished he’d never let V take the first ride up here. Very rooftop that made him feel so fucking hurt he thought he’d never forgive her. Where she hugged him, her last act of apology before it all went to hell.

Short walk to the seats, Johnny sat down in the one V occupied before, looking out onto the skyline view. Misty just stood there, waiting, and at the very least Johnny could tell her what he wanted to tell everyone else. “I’m sorry. I should’ve --”

“Johnny, V made her own choice, didn’t she? Dunno what happened, but do you really think you could’ve changed what she did? Knew her the best, right?”

“Yeah...” Voice cracking, he needed Misty to leave. “Jus’...Know I’m sorry. Now fuck off.”

“Course. Come down if you need me I’ll be here.” A final touch to his shoulder, and that made him hiccup, pushing her away from him, trying hold it in until he heard the elevator doors close.

Hidden away in his hands, body hunched over, he finally let it out. Screamed and cried, noises buried by the loud city below. He doubted that Vik, Panam, even Misty would hear him sob out, so full of anguish that he shook. If Vik couldn’t help, if Arasaka did nothing, what was left? The time for hope was long gone.

And he didn’t even get to say goodbye.


	13. To break into your dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER IS A MESS BUT IT'S MY MESS AND I ALWAYS LAY CLAIM TO THEM!!!!! MAY NOT BE GOOD BUT YOU KNOW WHAT. POSTED IT ANYWAY

“Never thought I’d see this. Johnny fuckin’ Silverhand, crying on the rooftop because something didn’t go his way.”

“Oh fuck.” Throat raw from crying, Johnny just turned away from his new rooftop companion. Of all the fucking people, it was Rogue that dared come up to see him. “How’d you even find out about all this?”

“Panam, initially – then Vik. Word gets around fast when an Arasaka shuttle crash lands in the desert, and when I started inquiring about it I was led to the Aldecaldos. And who is my Aldecaldo contact?” She sat on the seat next to him, and Johnny still didn’t turn to face her. “But she was pissed as hell when I called. Mutterin’ something about V. Found her here and Vik informed me about what happened. Best he could anyway. Really put a fuckin’ wrench in my plans for the day.”

“There a point to this or are we gonna talk about our days like two old bitches at Sunday brunch?”

“Is there a point to your bitching or are you gonna do somethin’ about this? Uncross your damn arms and look at me.” Johnny didn’t even notice he had curled in on himself, arms crossed and legs pulled into the seat. Turning to face Rogue, he fixed his posture, trying to lean into something more Silverhand-like, but ending up sitting like V. Felt the most natural. “Get your shit together. Cry when you’re outta options.”

“Ha!” Rolling his eyes, he looked to the side, not able to meet Rogue’s gaze. “I am outta options. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m the one pilotin’ the meatsuit.” Waved over V’s body, he hands felt too light. Everything was the same, a familiar body, one he knew inside and out, but he didn’t belong here.

“Fuckin’ Christ, Johnny, do I have to treat you like a child and hold your hand through this? As Vik explained to me, there’s still some of V left, and until there’s not there are still options. So let’s retrace the steps – how’d you end up in this mess to begin with?”

Best he could, Johnny explained what happened. The deal with Hanako, the rooftop conversation, Johnny’s wish to call Rogue, the experiments, the drugs given to V. Her naive hope that Arasaka would somehow help them, the way he was blocked from V while she was conscious, the slow degradation of her mind, morphing into his. Rogue listened, not butting in, not asking for clarification – nothing. Just listened. When he was done, Johnny felt that urge to sob again, covering it up by punching the table that sat between the chairs. “So, Rogue, what do you suggest we do now? ‘Cause the way I see it, we’re still fucked sideways no matter what we do.”

Drumming her fingers on her thigh, she looked out onto that familiar skyline, watching as the vehicles hovered in the air. “Give me some time to think, but if anything I can pull some strings, see if we can go along with the original plan you wanted to go with. Storm the tower, contact Alt, find a way to save V.”

“Alright, sure. Stormin’ that damn tower once again.” Shaking his head, he put V’s hair behind his ears, not wanting to see it. “Get her back in this damn body, and I go back into the Net.”

“Was that also the original plan?”

“’Course it was. Promised her my life for hers.” Palms turned up to face him, the cyberware on her hands facing up at him, the constant reminder of how badly he failed. “See how well that went.”

Foot tapping on the ground, her fingers still drumming against her thigh, and Rogue was bothered by something. Didn’t bounce unless she was. “So, you’re gonna spit in her face by destroying yourself? Remind me, since you were there – what was the whole reason V even took that deal with Arasaka instead of coming to me first?”

“For one, she wanted to spare your life, so don’t you think walkin’ into that tower isn’t spittin’ in her face?” Wrong move, that Medusa stare from Rogue thrown his way, and thank god he always seemed to have a mirror to avoid the effects. “’Sides, she was pretty damn vague about the whole savin’ my ass thing. Maybe that meant lettin’ me run free in the Net with Alt.”

“Did it? Really? Doesn’t matter how vague she was about it, you know and I know that’s not what she wanted. She took a deal with the literal Devil in order to somehow save your hide, which may I remind you is, was, and will continue to kill her if you sit on your ass. So maybe stayin’ up here, arguing with me, lamenting about throwing yourself into the Net isn’t what you should do.” A deep sigh, and she pulled out her holo, tapping away. “Give me time – I’ll work it out.”

“Why ya helpin’ me?”

“Frankly, Johnny, I think you know why. But, this is also for V. Don’t you think she deserves something better than you slowly killing yourself in her skin? Can do that in a body of your own.”

Always right, at least in a body that wasn’t V’s he wouldn’t feel bad about having the desire to waste away. “Sure, fine. For me. Don’t remember you owin’ V any debts. What gives there?”

“Maybe not, but helpin’ you means helpin’ her. Besides, from the way you acted at that little movie date you tried to take me on, I know if I don’t get her back you’ll be a lost puppy wandering the streets of Night City lookin’ for trouble. And I don’t feel like being the one to pick you up off the pavement after fifty-four years. Her job now, not mine.” Standing, she cracked her knuckles, seemingly done with this part of their conversation. “C’mon. Can’t stay here. Sleep at the Afterlife – got a room there. Let’s fix this.”

“Thanks, Rogue.” Following her down, he hid behind her from the rest of the crew waiting down there. But, he wasn’t lucky – never claimed to be. Shirt grabbed, he could only guess by who. And Rogue just kept walking to her car, dragging Vik along to talk to him about god knows what.

“You’re a fucking coward. What are you and Rogue gonna do, huh? Hide you away so that Arasaka can’t come find you while you plan your next attack? Use V’s body for some weird revenge mission you’ve somehow roped the Queen of the Afterlife into!? Because let me tell you --” Raising her voice, louder it became until Johnny reached back, putting a hand over Panam’s.

“Already had our fight, didn’t we? Not in the business of doin’ the same shit twice. Not anymore.” Three times if it meant storming Arasaka Tower maybe, hell four if counted being there in V’s body, but he’s not fighting with Panam again. No use in it. “Believe it or not, but I ain’t fuckin’ pleased with how this went. So I’m gonna fix it.”

“Fix it?” Panam ripped her hand from his, and Johnny just kept walking, closer to Rogue’s car. Closer to leaving. “You’re gonna fix it!? Ha! Sure you are. Because I’m sure that’s what you promised V when you two went off...wherever the fuck you went!” Arms moving as she spoke, animated as always, Johnny finally turned to look at her face, seeing it in the same state his was in. Puffy, red, makeup slightly messed up.

“Where we went was V’s choice – not mine. Told ‘er – she’d do what she thought was right, and so here we are. I’m cleanin’ up this mess, so just stay outta my way if all you’re gonna do is be a bitch.” Back to her again, he heard her spit at his feet, stomping her boots.

“Ugh! Fine! But you better watch your back, because I still don’t trust you’re out to help V! How could I!? She’s not here to defend you like she tried to do at the camp after that fucking chip almost killed her there! Go fuck yourself!” Glass bottle thrown his way, shattering on the alley wall, and Johnny just went through the back of Misty’s, ignoring Panam. Solitude only found when the door closed and he heard the chiming from Misty’s shop, leaving his companion in misery to keep throwing bottles at the door.

“V said you two found an image of The Empress by the Afterlife, didn’t you?” Misty’s voice always felt possessed to him – some otherworldly quality to it when she spoke like this. V spent a lot of time in this shop, and Johnny didn’t understand why at first. Then, Misty would speak in that voice, and all the answers would come flooding in.

“Think so. Never paid much mind to that shit. Kept seein’ those cards, but I didn’t care. If you’re givin’ me some insight, make this quick – Rogue’s waitin’.”

“Don’t worry, won’t keep you. But however it was you got to contact Rogue, she’ll make sure something happens. Dunno if it’ll be what we all want or expect, but she’ll get the job done.” That made him laugh, knowing full fucking well that Misty and Rogue had never crossed paths, but somehow still knew what Rogue was about.

“Damn right she will. Gonna get her back, Misty.”

“Sure. I trust you.”

“Thanks...” Final turn to Misty, sad smile on her lips, and Johnny nodded, reaffirming that he’d do right by V. If Rogue was going to help, get them a plan, he had to follow through. Get them both out of this, like V promised to him. Had to pick up the slack there, but those were just details. And Misty had faith in him, just as she always had.

Nothing to say to Vik, nothing he could say to him, Johnny ducked into the car, letting Rogue take him to the Afterlife. Bustling with life, greeting from Claire, and Johnny ignored it all, just walking with the queen herself to his residence for the time being.

Told to stay put, like he’d want to run off, and Johnny just slept. Slept because V needed rest if she was returning to her body. Slept because what else was he going to do? Look in the mirror? No. When he woke up all he would do is roll over, curl in, and try and fall back asleep. He dreamed, but not with V. Not of V. They were just dreams.

Waking up after hours and hours of slumber, he turned again, trying hard to fall back asleep. Didn’t have a mandatory wake up call yet. 

What he was greeted with made him snort. “Come to smother me with a pillow? Finish me off?”

“No. Well, initially, yeah,” Panam’s back to him, he could tell by her pose she had her face in her hands while she spoke to him. “Called up Rogue to chew her out for helping you. Planned on strangling you to death, then try and do the same to her. Thought Rogue was leaving V out to dry and you were pleased that she was gone.”

“Guessin’ she explained shit?” Sitting up, he swung his legs over the side of the bed to sit shoulder to shoulder with Panam. Scooting away, Johnny figured it was still too hard for her to look at her friend’s body being occupied by another mind.

“Sort of. Didn’t give me all the details. But, she hit me with ‘Palmer, if you’re gonna call me up to bitch, then you clearly have enough energy to help.’ That’s when she explained what you two were planning and part of why.” Shaking her head, Panam just sighed heavily. “You really didn’t have a choice when you took her over?”

Hand on her back, this time she didn’t shy away. “Have a choice on when you need to shit? It wasn’t like I could stop it. Spent too much damn time in that space station – pumped full o’ too many drugs from Arasaka docs. Relic was just doin’ its job, and V was the one who paid the price. Not the only one hurtin’, Panam.”

“I know...Now I do, anyway. Come on, been asleep long enough. Enough time to form a whole plan between all of us.” Hands on her knees, she used the leverage to push herself forward, rising from the bed. Johnny did the same, stretching the tired limbs.

“’All of us’? Meanin’ you got those tarmac rats of yours on board for this?”

“I’ll ignore that insult for the sake of our burgeoning friendship,” door held open for him, Johnny slipped by her, making his way to the main area of the Afterlife. “But yeah. Called on my clan to help Rogue – she needs it. Did a lot while you were out. Think you’ll like what she and I have come up with.”

Green glow of the Afterlife, and this damn city was covered in so much of the color. If it were up to him, he’d never seen the color green again. Familiar faces there to greet him, sitting around the bar enjoying a drink, the most trusted Nomads that Panam could call on. Well, there for V. Unsure of how much they were told, he just stayed quiet, crossing his arms as he leaned against the wall behind the bar counter. Rogue sat on top, one foot perched on a keg, a gun in her arms. Ready for action, and it made Johnny smirk. No matter how dire it was, if Rogue was posed like that it meant good things to come.

“See you two’ve kissed and made up. Good. Convincing Panam not to flatline your ass took a lot out of me, so I’m thankful she’s on our side to make up for the loss of brain power.” Johnny nodded, Panam punching his shoulder softly in solidarity. “Whole thing cooked up while you got some much needed beauty sleep.”

“Yeah, we did. Had a nice little makeout session before we --” Couldn’t stop the smack he earned, Panam’s arm a lot stronger than he anticipated. At least he made a few of the Aldecaldos laugh with him. Light the mood before things got too serious. If they were storming Arasaka Tower again, this might be the last time any of them have a good laugh. “Rogue...You’re the best. So, got a bunch of people here – mind explainin’ what they’re all here for?”

“’Course I am. Your sorry ass wouldn’t be here otherwise. Same with Palmer.” Hopping down from the bar, Rogue set down her gun and clapped her hands. “Alright everyone, listen up! Plan’s got a lot of movin’ parts and every piece is crucial. Saul! Over here. Everyone else, slot in your shard!” Shard passed to him by Panam, Johnny slotted it in the port, fingers brushing over the Relic that was slotted in beside it. The damn thing that started it all. Rogue cleared her throat before she began, making sure everyone was listening, Saul hopping over the bar to stand next to her.

Best Johnny could summarize in his head, it went like this: two teams, A and B, A is a bunch of tarmac rats and Johnny transporting themselves and something referred to as “the cargo” into Mikoshi, and B is the diversion, headed by Rogue and Panam. Team A would be tunneling under the fucking ground into the tower, straight to where Mikoshi lies, and Team B would crashing a fucking bomber into the side of the damn building. How Rogue even got one of those, he’ll never know, but if anyone could find one it would be her. Other bits of the plan included using that damn tank Panam and V boosted from Militech, using the tank to fuck up said corp, destroying Mikoshi once Johnny and V were separated, and oh. Downing a fucking satellite to scramble the damn coms systems throughout California.

Which led him to sitting in the Netrunning chair in the back of the Afterlife, jacking in to try and contact Alt to help. Plugged in, told by Nix he’d have to resurface himself, Johnny was eager to get this part over with. V might have been adept enough at this, but he didn’t like this whole thing. Floating figure of Alt, a Juno in the datascape, and Johnny still looked around to try and see V.

Creepiest thing in the world, Alt read his mind. Scoured his brain for the plans with the satellite, the shit with Arasaka, and all the little things that maybe he didn’t want the AI of his ex output knowing. Still, it was done, and Alt agreed to help. Looking around in the data, he –

“She would not be here with you, Johnny. V is buried in her own mind. For the time being, you are alone.” Hated that she could just hear everything he thought. Not that V couldn’t if she tried, but at least she gave him some privacy. “And you will remain alone the more time you waste looking for a ghost. Leave.”

“You sure you can still save her?”

“I will do what I can. I cannot promise much else. Mikoshi will provide us with more answers.”

Parting words to an AI, Johnny was booted back into reality, everything in the room coming back into focus, completely alone just as Nix had said. The Afterlife oddly quiet, he only heard Rogue speaking softly, and it didn’t seem like anyone else was there with her. Walking out of the room, eager to get a move on, Johnny listened closely as she instructed whoever it was to park their car and look out at the stars, a simple “I love you,” as she hung up.

“Sunrise is better than the stars – got more color.” Leaning over the counter, close to Rogue, and she just shook her head.

“Watch the sunrise with V when you have her back. You know my favorite time of day.” Soft chuckle, and Johnny knew damn well it was right in the hours between midnight and 4 AM. When everything was quiet and the stars shone brighter. “Now, you ready to go? Saul’s outside waitin’ for ya. Gonna take you to the Aldecaldo camp and Team A will leave from there. Cargo’s already loaded up.”

“Speakin’ of that. The fuck is the cargo we’re haulin’ into fuckin’ Arasaka?”

“Told you – you can waste away in your own skin, not hers. So, got you a proxy body that comes with exact Silverhand specs.”

Stepping back, Johnny looked around just to double check that they were alone. “Can’t make one with quote ‘exact Silverhand specs’, Rogue. My shit was copyrighted back --”

“I know it was. Every last inch of you – which was great for this. Not really sure why you went to that level back in the day, but there they were.” Pushing off from the bar, she headed for the door, Johnny racing to follow her.

“So what, you stole the fuckin’ copyright plans from the Library of Congress? Illegally made me a proxy?”

“No, you fuckin’ gonk. The copyright expires fifty years after the person dies. Got my hands on it because I didn’t want a bunch of Silverhand impersonators coming into my bar and ordering your drink.” Pushing through the doors, Johnny shielded his eyes from the light, not even realizing it was midday when he woke.

“Well, don’t really know how I feel about that, or this whole proxy shit, but beggars can’t be choosers. So we’re gonna be carryin’ a limp ass corpse into the tower?”

“That we are not,” Saul’s voice answered for Rogue, his hand smacking down on a hovering container, mist coming from the sides. His new body on ice, floating in some weird fucking thing that was sitting in the back of some Nomad truck. “You, me, and Mitch will be pushing this through the tower on our way to the access point. Arasaka’s attention divided, it shouldn’t prove much of a challenge. Now hop in – we gotta get back to camp and get this show on the road.” Not one to question Saul, a man of good taste who asks for a smoke and some broads when he can, Johnny hopped into the truck, leaning out of the window to look down at Rogue.

“Again – thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. And I mean that. When we make it outta there, we don’t talk about this. Like nothin’ ever happened. Remember, if things go south, Panam and I are the backup. We’ll leave the rest of Team B up at the top to keep attention on them and slip down to the bottom floors as quickly as we can.” Patting the truck, Saul gave a noise of affirmation before heading out.

Never the one for small talk, Johnny just kept his mouth shut, letting Saul ramble on about the plan again, like he needed to remind a small child to use the potty before they left the house. Confident enough, Johnny figured they’d be barking orders at him even if he did forget the plan, unlikely to do much else past that.

Gear loaded up at the camp, Mitch and his crew gathering their people, and it was off to the tower. Tunneling under the ground to get to where they needed to be. The high of the initial heist long since gone, Johnny just wanting nothing more than to jack into Mikoshi, speak with Alt one last time, and get V back. Plans were in place, and dammit they felt more solid than anything he’d ever made in the past. Shit, he was sitting in a souped up Basilisk with Mitch talking his damn ear off, calling him V over and over, not on the list of people in the know. 

End of the tunnel reached, and Johnny was more than happy to swing himself out of there like his life depended on it. Emergency call from Carol, Militech on their ass because of fucking course they weren’t going to take kindly to some Nomads running around in their tunnels like a bunch of sewer rats, and it was just him, Saul, and a body. 

“Come on – thing’s not exactly easy to move, and we still have to dig into the tower.” 

Johnny did the work of pushing his own body over obstacles, helped by the hovering tech, it still felt weird to be doing this. Sneaking something like this into Arasaka Tower, the old one his technical final resting place according to the screamsheets and popular news. And he had another Nomad helping him storm the tower. “Know she ain’t here to say it, so I’ll say it for her. Thanks.” Packed into the control room, Johnny jacked into the control panel, knowing he had to be the one to override the drill and get it moving. “Dunno if she ever said it – ain’t too good of a listener – but the way you all treated her? Like she was family? Meant a lot to ‘er. Doin’ this for her, means a lot too.” 

Earth moving around them, machinery creaking and groaning, Saul stayed focused on looking at the progress they were making, rather than on Johnny. “Well, good thing she’ll be back to tell me herself, huh? Know shit happens, but that’s why we’re here.” 

Boy oh boy, did shit fucking happen. First line of communication from Rogue was her coming through to whoop and holler about the satellite going down in the night sky, her operation starting hours after Team A. Panam in the background, telling Saul that she’d never seen anything like this before, and that damn she was thankful to have tagged along. Next came Team B crashing into Arasaka Tower, right as the drill slammed into the side of the building. Attention split between the two things, Arasaka seemed to be more focused on the welcome basket of missiles at the top of the tower, rather than a likely drill malfunction. Maintenance tunnels traversed, Johnny and Saul taking out the security detail they needed to, V’s quickhacks doing most of the work, and Alt was in the Arasaka mainframe. 

Smooth fucking sailing. Which made Johnny more on edge than he should be. Strolling through Arasaka like he was walking down the street to some diner, not like he was about to cripple the whole corp that had been a thorn in his side since he was young. Finally at some sort of obstacle, a closed door that they had to pry open, Saul lifted it enough to slide the proxy under, Johnny helping him get it open enough for them to slide under. Swallowing thickly, a hand came to his shoulder, and he looked at Saul’s warm expression. “Final stretch. Let’s get going. For V.” 

For V. 

Downfalls rarely start with a bang, but Johnny’s always did. Fucking wished his started with a piano. Sparks flying, scraps of metal slicing into his skin, and there he was. Adam fucking Smasher. Borg motherfucker that always pissed in his open wounds. V’s body was slammed through the door as Smasher burst forth, sending Saul flying as well. Smasher, right there, a literal ghost. Maybe his memory was fucked in that station too, because he sure as hell remembers V fighting this fucker last time. Then again, V’s mercy knew no limits, and he can’t quite remember her firing the final shot. Big fucking trouble there, Smasher unlikely to think about repaying the favor. And the first thing he did was call Rogue. “Rogue! Said you and Panam were back up – well we need it!” 

“Mind tellin’ me why!?” Firefight coming through the coms, and all Johnny could focus on was Smasher looming ever closer to Saul. Quickhack to his systems, short circuiting him to buy Saul some time to scramble away, he yelled back to Rogue.

“Wanted Smasher!? Well he’s here! Offerin’ him to you on a silver platter if you can make it down here in time.” Curses from Rogue, and Johnny knew he had to hold off Smasher until she arrived. No way he and Saul could take him down on their own. 

Gun grabbed, Saul was the first to fire, “Aldecaldos!” screamed as he did. “Fucking meat!” given as a response from Smasher, and Johnny knew what was next. Knew what this fucker did to those he cornered. Leg raised, aimed for Saul’s head, and thoughts came in after Johnny moved. Alt said something about him speaking before he thought, and he damn well moved like that was true. V’s body light enough to slide, he kicked Saul’s head out of the way, not enough force to move the man completely out of the way, but getting his shoulder stomped and arm taken off was better than his head. 

Not much use without a weapon, and not much use to Saul with one arm missing, Johnny grabbed the gun he blasted Smasher with, aiming right for the head. More machine than man, it didn’t even seem to phase him, charging Johnny and throwing him back yet again. “I remember you, cunt!” Finger on the trigger, he kept firing into Smasher, biding time for Rogue to make her way down. Flakes of armor flew off his body, but nothing that seemed to really slow him down. Burning to a crisp from all the shots, but nothing. This fucker wanted revenge.

Only saving grace is that Smasher ignored the proxy that was shoved into the corner of the room. If anything he could limp out of there with V’s body, still make it to Mikoshi. But shit...Then he’d be leaving Saul to die. And Smasher is still getting closer! Loaded full of whatever ammo was packed in this damn gun, blasted over and over again, flames bursting from the metal, and still screamed at Johnny “I’ll rip you to shreds, little meatbag!” 

“Rogue! C’mon! I need you!” Last round of ammo fired, and Johnny started running. Keeping Smasher away from Saul, the proxy, shit away from V as best he could. Her RAM wasn’t recovered enough to use more quickhacks, already having overloaded the guy as many times as he could. Body nowhere near strong enough to punch the shit out of him, he was left with no other defenses. And no answer on the coms. Trapped – trapped and he would be lucky if he ever saw the outside of this room again. 

“Got you!” Scream let out, high pitched and fearful, Johnny almost didn’t recognize that it came from his own throat, V’s throat, as Smasher caught him by the leg, holding him upside down. Dropped on the ground head first, everything went white for a moment, coming back soon enough to have him roll out of the way of Smasher’s damaged foot. Cockroach about to be stomped out, Smasher kept raising and lowering that foot, all while Johnny tried to roll away, not finding enough time to get to his feet. 

“Saul! Noooo!” Screeching, not his own, Smasher’s attention was pulled towards it long enough for Johnny to jump to his feet, running out of the way of the action. If Panam was here to scream about Saul, that meant that Rogue was here too. Warpath forged long, long ago. 

“I’ve been waiting for this!” No hesitation, Rogue jumped Smasher, the weight of whatever clownish boots she had on enough to knock him off balance. 

“Another piece of shit to wipe cle--” Rogue’s Pride pressed right to his face, that’s all he got out before she unloaded all the ammo stocked in it into his skull, Smasher making those awful, guttural noises, the dying of anything even remotely human always mortifying. Never instant, Johnny watched as Rogue loaded the gun again, pouring more lead into him, death rattles in his borg lungs before they stopped. 

Out of breath, Johnny sat there on the floor, watching as Rogue spit in the open wounds of Smasher’s skull and Panam tried her best to patch up Saul. Alt in combination with Team B must have been successful enough, no other Arasaka goons coming to check on the commotion from down below. Disembodied voice of Alt reminding them that they didn’t have much time, and fuck if Johnny didn’t feel it. 

“Here, let’s go.” Rogue’s hand extended down, he took one last look at Panam and Saul, the man in question speaking to her. A good sign. Taking Rogue’s hand, he got up off the ground on shaky legs, adrenaline pumping through him the only thing keeping him upright. How V ever survived was beyond him – she felt everything so strongly, even the tiniest bit of hormonal surges taking her body eons to recover, and she was made of memory foam instead of muscle. 

“Finally got ‘im, Rogue. Fuckers dead.” Limping, Smasher’s hold on his leg must have been stronger than he realized at the time, having to lean over the container his body was in to walk. “Only took us how long?” 

“Fifty-four long fuckin’ years. Gotta hand it to you – held him off pretty good. No casualties.” Rogue opened the doors that lined the way, gun still out and ready for action in case they ran into any more trouble. 

“Tell that to Saul’s arm. But...better than his fuckin’ face.” Red light lining the way, it looked like the final door to open, confirmed when Alt stated, “The access point lies before you.” Slowly making his way to the access point mentioned, Johnny turned to Rogue, pushing the hovering container her way. 

“You jackin’ that thing in before or after me?” Leaning against the access point, pulling out the jack, he waited for Rogue’s answer. 

“After. Need you to be in there first, I think. Johnny...good luck.” Smirk tossed Rogue’s way, he wasn’t going to make her more worried than she needed to be. Had to figure out how to get more incapacitated people out of this tower than planned for, and shit. She didn’t need that extra stress. 

“Eh, who needs luck when I’m about to go in and charm my ex to save the chick I stuck my dream dick in? The ladies love me.” Jack plugged into V’s head, he hoped his little quip took some of the stress off of Rogue’s shoulder, that familiar confidence always easing her before. Knees hitting the ground, he made his way to the coolant surrounding Mikoshi, laying V’s body inside, keeping her safe until they were on the other side.

_Elevator near Misty’s, and it always came back to that damn rooftop. Shit, it always came back to Misty, to Vik, this little back alley hosting all of V’s and now Johnny’s problems and solutions. Stairs ascended, seats empty, and he wasn’t surprised. No longer did he expect to see V in these visions. Even though she wasn’t there by his side, she left him a gift. Her pendant was laid right there on the short wall that kept those clumsy drunks from falling off. Held between his middle finger and thumb, he stretched it out to behold it. For V._

Pyramid of blue, and Johnny walked towards it while Alt recited a poem. Because I Could Not Stop For Death. Fitting. Fuck it was so fitting, and of course Alt was the one who chose it. End of the path reached, and he was alone. When the Net shifted, the booth from Tom’s Diner in view, he sat. Alone. 

Elbows on the table, he wasn’t even greeted to Alt’s AI. Just...nothing. Clasped together, he rested his forehead on those hands, digital eyes closed. He was too late. No V to greet him in the Net, no Alt to tell him what was happening. Even left Rogue behind. Waiting for Godot, alone at the table. 

“Hey, Johnny. Miss me?” 

V. Her voice.

All red, just as he was, there she was beside him, sliding into that booth, taking one of his hands in her own, kissing the back of it. “Look like shit. Really that rough livin’ without me?” 

V. She was here. V...not the fragmented version of her. V.

Pulled close to his chest, he held in that booth, so close it would have hurt her body. But code didn’t feel pain, and Johnny held her like he wanted to do in the real world. Like he would do in the real world. V. She was here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the Sun Ending, I'm in the Temperance Ending. I'm in the combination Sun Ending and Temperance Ending. 
> 
> *shrugs* 
> 
> This is a chapter that exists to usher in where I get to use my calling card of :3c


	14. Do you dream of me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even make my :3c face in earnest I'm just sad

“Fuck, princess. Really thought you were gone forever. Really had this awful feelin’ that the last time I saw you...”

“Was the last?”

“Yeah.”

Sitting there in the booth, hand in hand, no sign of Alt, Johnny knew there wasn’t much time to enjoy this peace, but it was peace nonetheless. No Arasaka clinic, no Arasaka Tower, no impending doom – just them. And a promise of a tomorrow. “So, V. What’s it like havin’ all your memories back?” At that question she bit her lip, brows drawn together, like she was trying to think of a way to tell him something.

“Alt talked to me. Right now, the version of V you’re talkin’ to, is the one being built from whatever is salvageable from my body. She said this version of me is incomplete – forever damaged. Whatever I’ve lost, whatever can’t be ripped from my own body and your code to piece together some Frankenstein version of me...It’s lost.”

“Shit...” Leaning back, leg thrown over the table to lounge better, he tapped his other foot. “Can’t be all Alt said. No other options? Even an AI Alt is gonna have some kinda backup plan.”

“That’s...where the problem comes in.” Her free hand covered her eyes, rubbing them as she tried to find the words. Johnny knew this pose, the one she wore when she had to deliver bad news. Took the pose when she let Judy and Panam know about the Relic, or when she had to speak to Mama Welles after Jackie died. “There’s another version of me, more complete...”

“How the fuck are there two versions of you? Ain’t got some secret clone I don’t know about, do ya?”

A small laugh, a shake of her head, and Johnny knew it must not be the worst thing in the world. If it was she wouldn’t have humored him. “No, nothin’ like that. When I entered the Arasaka clinic, they separated us. Did it by usin’ Soulkiller on me, meanin’ your engram was shoved to the wayside for a while. That’s how they blocked you completely with the help of the drugs, and how they knew when I was completely gone. Had code to compare it to. Don’t remember it happenin’ since no one is conscious of Soulkiller when it’s fired up. Even now, only reason I know what’s goin’ on is due to the way it’s being used.”

“Meanin’ you’re not gonna remember what we went through in that clinic? None of the dreams?”

“No. And that’s what’s botherin’ me. I don’t wanna forget that I told you that I loved you...That you returned that. Got the code for all the little dates we went on, by the way. Some of those aren’t possible in the real world.” Body resting on him, V’s code felt so real to him, much like his code felt real to her. Wonders of the Net and all that poetic shit. But Johnny was just happy to know there was some version of V out there that didn’t forget her past. That remembered her times with Jackie, Judy, Panam – shit all her friends and the adventures they had. Fuck that clinic, she didn’t need that.

“Upset ‘cause you won’t remember I railed you on the beach or ate your pussy out in that swanky hotel you stayed at three years ago?” The light smack to his chest made him grin, knowing the answer was ‘yes’. “Look, if you’re worried about not rememberin’ that I love you back, don’t gotta. You think the first thing I’m gonna do in a new body is go find myself another output? After all we’ve been through?”

“Oh yeah – Alt said somethin’ about you havin’ a body ready. Look like you?”

“Exact specs, according to Rogue. Meanin’ --”

“I’m not talkin’ about your dick in the Net with your ex potentially poppin’ in on us. Or...at all, actually.” Lies. She was a dirty liar, and she’d talk about his dick first chance she got when they were alone. “Sure you wanna do this? Go through all that love shit again?”

“And leave you an incomplete version just so you remember some dreams? Not an option. Got the chance to make better memories. Ones that mean more to us both that mired in so much shit and guilt. ‘Sides, get to tell you how much I love ya for the first time again. Watch that gonk face of yours light up again. Takin’ a picture this time.”

“I’ll delete it. But, the rest? Sounds nice.” Horrible at getting the right angle when she kissed him, V’s hands turned Johnny’s head to kiss her, awkward and straining his neck. But, it was V’s way of kissing. His V’s way of kissing that he’ll get to experience again. And she’ll be able to comment once again at how much better he was at kissing than she is, listen to her lament about her dating experience, all while he keeps trying to shut her up because what does he care? Only thing on his mind in those moments is how much he loves V.

In the wait for Alt they talked. About the tower raid, the fact Rogue technically owns his face, about what Alt’s plans were for Mikoshi and the other engrams. Leisurely, without dread. In the end, Johnny got his happy ending, and V’s getting hers.

Or so it seemed.

That’s always how it goes, isn’t it? Get to the finish line, only to have the person waiting there draw a gun and shoot at point blank range? At least this time he was getting shot by Alt instead of someone he hated. No enemies here, and he was still ripped apart. Digitized form of Alt appearing by the table, smaller this time, she spoke to V directly, her coded eyes never reaching Johnny.

“I made a mistake in excluding the body as a factor. DNA reconfiguration has progressed too far, in addition to the degradation of V’s neurons. Added to aggressive drugs and invasive medications, there is --”

“Spit it out! In human terms!” He understood those words, knew what this likely meant, but fuck he hoped he didn’t. Hoped it was Alt finding some confusing way to tell them that V just needed to have a long recovery period. Six months of bed rest where he could feed her chicken noodle soup, and wham bam thank you ma’am she was fine.

“V’s body will die independent of what I do.”

“What?” V sat up straighter, hand removed from his and instead gripping the table. “So, you can’t overwrite Johnny’s engram on the biochip. I thought the biochip was the problem! Just put my code in there and --”

“It is not that simple. The way in which this version of the biochip works does not allow for that to happen. Combined with the time spent in the Arasaka station, their experiments caused your body to become a complete vessel for Johnny. Without his influence on the chip, your body will die.”

Face in her hands, leaning over the table, Johnny put his hand on her back as he glared up at Alt. “For fuck’s sake, Alt! You had one job and you fucked it up!?”

She made some excuse, but it was just noise in his ear. It was always excuses, and now Johnny was the only one walking out of this alive. Alt promised her a new life – he promised her a new life. Now she got nothing.

“How long…?” V seemed small, like she did during the attacks. When she was crumbled to dust and had to be swept up and put back together.

“Given that Johnny will be in his new body, yours has twenty-four hours to --”

“A day!? She has a day to live!?” Pushing up from the table, Johnny didn’t know what he was going to accomplish by flipping it, the entire thing fading into code, only leaving the bench V sat on. Maybe it was an outlet for frustration, but he didn’t feel better. Wouldn’t even get to enjoy his time left with V. She’d just...die.

“Johnny! Please! Let me think!” V started pacing, the bench fading away as she stood. Circling around some unknown point, he watched her pick at her digital nails, putting the thumb in her mouth every now and then to chew. “There’s...no other way? I --”

“We are running out of time for discussions that will get us nowhere. The only solution I can offer is to store whichever version of V’s engram you do not wish to die in her body. That version will be the only engram I will not assimilate, but you will only have a week before it becomes unusable.” A pause in her circling, and V looked at Johnny.

“Alt, give us a minute.” His final request to her, and Alt faded, a warning about making this quick, instructions for Johnny and V to lie down in the well, one after the other. “Fuck, V...We’ll think of somethin’. ‘Least we know which version of you we want Alt to store...”

“I know that, but...That means the moment we go back I --”

“Don’t think about that. Just want you to know I’ll find a way. Keep searchin’ ‘til we really are outta options. Got this far, not droppin’ the ball now.” Walking over to her, both her hands taken in his, her head resting on his chest, he hated that he had to leave some version of her behind again, but it was better than having nothing at all. Had to remind himself that. Keep remembering what he didn’t need to forget.

V always led. Johnny never noticed it before, but as she walked backwards towards the well, leading him there, he somehow became aware of it for the first time. One of those epiphanies that come too late. Even if she was walking behind him, his vain attempt to think it was any different, he was still following her lead. Led him to change, led him into the ocean, led him to the well. That lost feeling, the emptiness that persisted when she was gone, when he thought about her not being there, it was the sensation that no one would be there to hold his hand while he walked on. No soft skin and slender fingers to tug him along. Sitting on the edge of the well, she sat beside him, tucking some of his hair behind his ear.

“Hate that you keep havin’ to make plans to save my gonk ass...” Moving from behind his ear to cup his cheek, Johnny leaned into her hand, turning his face to kiss her palm. “Somehow outta the two of us I keep bein’ the fuck up.”

“What? You think I’m not repayin’ the favor? If that’s not a good enough answer, could also give you a speech about love makin’ people do crazy things.” Her smile was worth the world, and he was glad he got to see it before he lied down in the well.

“Sure, take the love answer.” A deep sigh moved her, hanging her head for a moment before she looked at him again, that wobbly smile on her lips to try and make him feel better. “Take my body somewhere nice, will ya?”

“’Course. Find the nicest place I can. This ain’t goodbye, V.”

“I know that. This version of me will see you on the other side. The other version will see you soon.” Leaning forward, a parting kiss, and she helped him into the well, a simple, “Love you, rockerboy. Hold me close, okay? Gonna be scared outta my mind when I get outta here.”

_Even in red, V looked like beauty incarnate – Aphrodite in her purest form. Pricked her foot and colored the roses that will create the bouquet he’d have to place on her grave. Was all hope lost? No. But as his coded body fell into the well, being transported back into a body that would belong to him, he didn’t see where that hope lied._

Rebirth – reborn anew, and like all life it begins with a breath of air. Lungs filled with the chilled air surrounding the Mikoshi access point, Johnny shot up hands gripping the sides of the container his body was in. Swift hands pulled the jack from his port, coming to grab his shoulders to stabilize him as he shook. “Johnny! It’s alright! Just your new body!” Rogue’s voice was the first thing he heard, and fuck if it wasn’t what he wanted. Regaining control, he looked down first, simple clothes on his body, two organic arms at his sides. 

“V? Where’s V?” His own voice sounded clearer, the years of screaming and smoking not having yet damaged these vocal chords. Reborn anew. And his first words were of V. 

“She’s still plugged into Mikoshi. Gonna need to --” He didn’t need to hear the rest. Legs moving, stumbling limbs carried him to where he laid V in the coolant, her body floating there, the perfect recreation of Ophelia. Reaching down into the coolant, he dragged V’s body from the liquid into his lap, brushing the wet hair from her face. As carefully as he could, he grabbed the jack, unplugging it from her port, hoping her body would animate as had done. 

Limp in his arms, there was no life in her. Asleep. She was tired, he felt that. Muscles strained against taking down Smasher, trying hard to keep them both safe. She was just asleep, and he’d wake her up when he took her somewhere nice like she wanted. Rogue asked him something, but he didn’t feel like listening or answering. They just needed to leave. Not a lot of time. 

Rogue led them out of the tower to the vehicle they’d be leaving in, the remainders of both teams packed inside. Saul was alive, Panam by his side, the remaining Nomads crowded around him. His welcoming party was just Rogue, asking him where he wanted to go first. 

“What time is it?” 

“It’s 4:27 AM. Sun’ll be risin’ soon, Johnny.” 

“Good. Take us to the Badlands – figure you gotta drop off the tarmac rats there anyway. Just make sure the view of the sunrise is clear.” 

“Of course.” Sitting next to him, Rogue barked a command to whoever was driving them, the vehicle taking off, racing towards the endless sands. “V...she’s...Did something go wrong in Mikoshi?” 

“Yeah. Mind if I just...not talk right now?” 

“Sure. I’ll ask later.” 

V’s breathing wasn’t coming easy to her. Labored, exaggerated at times, and he felt every bit of it against him as he held her close. Still cold, he made Rogue get them a blanket, and even when he wrapped her tight her limbs didn’t retain the warmth. Panam was the first Aldecaldo to break rank, coming to squat in front of V, moving the blanket so she could see her face, only to move it back immediately, going back to Saul’s side. Saved one life today, he had to remind himself of that. 

Johnny was the first stop, the vehicle stopping in an open clearing, free from the crooked teeth of windmills and hills that littered the outskirts of the city. Lifeless V in his arms, the blue hour of the morning not yet giving way to the reds and pinks of the morning sky, he had time to wake her. Blanket pulled from her, no longer needing it in the California heat, he put it on the ground as best he could, still uncoordinated from getting used to his body and carrying V’s. 

Honoring her wishes, he sat down on the blanket, holding her close, backs of his fingers rubbing her cheek. “Princess, time to wake up. Gonna miss the sun rise if keep sleepin’.” No response, he tried gently shaking her shoulder, getting some reaction from her. More stable breathing, a groan, and he tried again, seeing her eyes flutter open. “V...hey there.” 

“Mmmm,” weak hands gripped the shirt he was wearing, trembling as they closed around the fabric. “Nice body...wish mine felt as good as yours prolly does.” He chuckled at that, but it was only to humor her. “Where are we?”

“Badlands. Told me to take you somewhere nice, right? Figure this was the best place to watch the sunrise.” She nodded, shifting so that her head was turned to the horizon. “Sun ain’t up yet, but for once in my life I showed up early.” 

“Might not make it to sunrise, ya know. Don’t feel too great,” another groan, breathing returning to that labored state, but her eyes stayed open. 

“Sure you will. Stronger than that. Tell death to fuck off and give us a few minutes, will ya?” Swallowing the lump in his throat, he hoped that would be enough to keep his voice strong. Didn’t need to see him torn up over her death. Had to keep telling himself that it wasn’t permanent. Couldn’t be. Alt was storing her engram. 

“Johnny...I was right. I’m fuckin’ terrified right now. Always thought death was quick...” Rays of light peering over the sands, the first color to appear a deep purple, staining the small clouds that were above them. “’Least I thought my death would be quick.” A kiss to her temple, and her body relaxed more. Hand slipping from his shirt, he took it in his own, hoping one arm was enough to keep her upright enough to watch this with him. “Won’t hurt, will it?” 

“Nah, V. Like goin’ to sleep.” Her hand was so cold. Core was warm, but her hand was freezing. Eyes slipping closed, Johnny really was starting to worry she’d slip into a state where she couldn’t be woken up once they completely shut. “You watchin’, princess? More colors are comin’ in.” 

“Yeah...’M watchin’...” Barely a whisper, her voice sounded so wrong. It should be yelling at him, or ranting about some long dead author even he hadn’t known about, or spilling all of the love in the world thrown his way. “If death is like goin’ to sleep...will you sing to me? Lemme focus on that?”

Sang to her last time at Clouds, the final dream before she was completely gone. Voice finally cracking, he tried to clear his throat to cover it up to no avail. “Why do ya always want me to sing to you? Sun ain’t good enough?” 

“Mmmm. Will you?” 

“Why, V?” 

“I just want it to be the last thing I hear is all.”

“You’re comin’ back...ain’t dyin’ yet.” Her laugh was so weak it hardly counted as one. “But sure. Any requests?” 

“Whatever’ll make you happy.” Turning towards the sky, V didn’t need to see him try and blink away the tears in his eyes. How many times would V have to die for him? When would one death be final? Sure, maybe she bounced back and laughed in the face of the reaper, but at some point that scythe would come down and slice clean through her. How many times could either of them cheat death? His head would roll along side hers one day too.

Today, as the sun rose, turning from purple to pink, the sky a myriad of those morning shades, he hoped to cheat death just once more. That’s all he asked. 

Clearing his throat again, a final blink to bury his tears, he turned his head down to V, half lidded eyes looking at him, the morning sky reflected in the sheen they had left. He hummed, a broken version of a sad song that played on the radio when he was a kid. Impersonal to her, comforting to him, he tried his best to keep the tune, her eyes slowly closing. The sun wasn’t fully over the horizon yet, but she was right. She wouldn’t make it there before she slipped into that dreadful space between life and death. Through the humming, a soft, “Thank you Johnny. Always remember that I love you,” was the last thing her weary lips let speak. Breathing slowing, she wasn’t gone yet, but there was no waking her now. 

Johnny used to balk at those couples that constantly told the other they loved them. If love was felt, wouldn’t it be enough to confess it once then speak of it rarely, only when it counted? The words would be said too often, lose their meaning, as actions always spoke louder. But as he whispered his final devotion of love to V, this V, he knows he never said it enough. Will never be able to say it enough. 

Carried in his arms once more, he brought V back to the vehicle, Rogue leaned against it waiting for them. No Aldecaldos were inside, meaning they were dropped off before this moment. “Johnny...is she…?”

“Not yet. Soon.” 

“Lemme take her. I’ll take of...everything.” 

He didn’t want to give up her body, but what could he do with it? There was no saving it. If he wanted to save V, he’d have to find another way. The longest journey to get her back, and it seemed like it would never end. Rogue’s arms took V, Johnny turning to see the full circle of the sun in the sky. “Cremate her, Rogue. That way --”

“Don’t have to explain, I get it. C’mon. Let’s get you ho --”

“Leave me out here for a while, will ya? Don’t got anywhere to be.” 

Agreeing to leave him, Rogue shut the door, sealing off his final view of V. If anything, Rogue would keep her body safe, honor his wishes, and if all else fails he could give her the honor she deserved. Dust kicked up by the tires, he watched V’s hearse drive back to Night City. 

Sitting down on that blanket, the hot sun scorching his new skin, he knew this wasn’t the end. Couldn’t be. He just had to move and get things in motion. Take his own hand and fix shit himself. 

“Silverhand.” 

Spot made on the blanket, Panam joined him. “If you tell me this is where it ends, I’ll shoot you right now. Blow your head clean off.”

“Not supposed to. V’s got an engram. Just gotta get her a body. One that ain’t liable to die any time soon, if we can swing it.” 

Panam nodded, fingers drumming on her knee. “How long we got?” 

“My ex in the Net said we got a week. After that there’s no more V.”

Pulling out her holo, she dialed someone’s number, holding it to her ear as she waited for them to pick up. “Judy – we gotta get V back. Think I might have a few solutions. Willing to help us out? …. Yeah, us. …. Johnny fucking Silverhand, who else?” She laughed, more hopeful than Johnny ever would be. “Tell ya later. Look, you in or not? …. There’s my girl! Alright, let’s mobilize the troops.” 

Standing off the blanket, she dusted the sand from her jeans. “V’s not a cat, so she doesn’t have many lives left. Let’s make this count.” Arm extended down, Johnny grasped her forearm in his hand, allowing her to pull him up. 

Could fix this shit himself. Or maybe with a little help from his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M GIVING THESE TWO THE SOFTEST ENDING I CAN DAMMIT BECAUSE FUCKING CHRIST I'M SICK OF CRYING AT MY OWN WRITING. THEY ARE GETTING A HAPPY ENDING I SWEAR TO GOD


	15. New Dawn Fades

_Sun-warmed skin, a gentle breeze, the sound of leaves rustling – this certainly wasn’t Night City. No part of that city ever sounded like this, always distant gunfire and screaming, no gentle wind, certainly not a lot of trees to rustle in it. Even in North Oak, the place for it to happen, V knows there’s no escaping the sounds of the city._

Waking up in a dream always feels strange. There’s no exhaustion or desire to go back to sleep, just the need to open one’s eyes to the world and take it in. When V opened hers, taking in where she was, she didn’t know this place. A small house, dilapidated and worn, a yard, daffodils lining the porch. Sometimes when she dreamed she saw things from Johnny’s past, glimmers of what his life was like before he was reduced to sentient code, and she could only assume this was somewhere only he knew.

Sitting up, she was on a wooden bench swing, no rhyme or reason why she would end up here, other than it was the only place to recline that wasn’t the grass. Beside her was a single picked daffodil, slightly wilted like it had been there for a while. Picking it up, she spun it between her index finger and thumb, looking at it closely. It was a beautiful flower, and she’s glad she had it with her, oddly comforting. Tucking it behind her ear, it was a good place to keep it safe, her only companion in this dream, even if she rarely had them in any dream she had.

Feet touching the ground, she rocked the swing back and forth, the wind chimes on the porch swaying in the breeze, the clinking of metal setting a gentle tempo. Leaning back, she looked up towards the sky, perfectly clear and open, the light blue going on forever. Serenity. That’s all she felt.

_Whatever sleep she was in was short lived, already feeling this dream slipping, the reality of it fading fast. Rocking there in the swing, she just kept looking around, enjoying time in a space that was a reprieve from the hustle and bustle she was used to. She was set to make a deal with Hanako wasn’t she? Find a way to save herself and Johnny? If – when – they made it out, and she knew they would, V thought about asking Johnny to go on the road with her. Go places like this that gave them some peace. They deserved it after what felt like the longest journey._

Eyes blinking open, optics coming into focus, and the walls here weren’t her own. Dim yellow paint, artwork on the wall in front of the bed she was, water stains on the ceiling...Judy’s? Why was she at Judy’s? Could ask the woman herself if she was here.

“Judy...” Voice hoarse, she cleared her throat, feeling like she hadn’t had anything to drink in weeks. “Judy!” Better. Scratchy, but better. Sitting up, V felt the tug of an IV, her head turning to her right to see a whole medical set up. Did she malfunction? Did Johnny bring her here?

“Johnny.” Calling out to him in her mind, she didn’t feel him. He wasn’t in the room, having looked around to check. “Johnny? You here…?” Another mental call, but nothing. Could be on blockers, given that she likely ended up here after some accident. Vaguely, she recalled passing out in the elevator at Embers, but why bring her to Judy? Vik’s was closer and he was a ripperdoc. Though she guesses with Johnny at the wheel he’d pick the dumbest place to take her. Regardless, it seemed she was taken care of.

Rubbing her neck, sore and stiff, the side of her hand brushed against the port that held the biochip, habitually checking it at this point. There wasn’t much of a need to, seeing as she’d be dead if it was ripped from her, but still she touched it, feeling –

“Johnny!?” The slot was empty. Nothing was there. Fuck! He was gone. Heaving chest, breathing picking up, V got up from the bed, ripping out the IVs. “Johnny!? Fuck! Judy! Judy! What’s goin’ on!? Where’s the chip!?” Fuck she hoped Judy was home. Throwing open the door, she was greeted to Judy running out of her BD studio, heading her way.

“V! Oh shit, you’re awake!” Judy went from looking like she’d seen a ghost to almost in tears, cupping V’s cheeks and pulling their foreheads together. As much as she would have loved to reciprocate the gesture, she needed to know what happened to Johnny.

“Judy, where’s the biochip? It’s gone and I don’t – it’s...” Breathing picking up more, she gripped Judy’s wrists trying to anchor herself. “Where’s Johnny?” Cracking at the sound of his name, V shook in Judy’s hands, trying to keep herself from crying. Her dad always told her crying was for the weak, something shameful, so she tried her best to stop the tears.

“Hey, hey! It’s okay. C’mon V, let’s go lay back down. Shakin’ like a leaf, and I’m not about to have you pass out on me again.” Pliant in her panic, she was easily led by Judy back to the bed, lying down when she was moved there.

Judy was speaking to her, but all V could think about is what happened with Johnny. Piecing it together, mind a movie reel of the past twenty-four hours, she remembers the meeting at Embers, Hanako agreeing to keep Johnny alive. After, they did make it to Vik’s, V having passed out at Embers, and from there they went to the rooftop where she sealed the deal with Hanako after Johnny made her shut him out. From there it was a blur. Arasaka Tower, Hellman, Yorinobu...space. She was in space, at the clinic on the station. Shit. They must have shredded Johnny’s chip and released V once it was done, stabbing her in the back. Johnny was right – never trust Arasaka.

Curling in, V turned to the wall, not wanting Judy to see her cry. Holding herself still so that the tears flowed but no one knew she was shedding them. Hidden misery that only Johnny saw – that he could no longer see. He was gone, and she felt so wrong. Skin that clung to her bones which needed to house another. Mind with only her thoughts within, so far removed from what she was used to now. There would be no person to sit there with her, even if his primary role was to neg her until she sprung into action, leading him to where they needed to go. All of that was gone now.

She didn’t get to tell him she loved him.

Not like she had the confidence to ever say it to his face, knowing damn well he didn’t return it, but now that she couldn’t? When there was no way to look him in the eyes and confess something she would carry with her for the rest of her life? V wished she had. Put it out into the world and breathe life into it, if only so the truth didn’t die with her. Something she should have done when he was still around and they were on better terms.

Weight shifting on the bed, Judy must have gotten up, leaving her there. Might have thought she went back to sleep, or at least was ignoring her. Hated that she couldn’t give a response to her friend, someone who cared for her enough to allow her to stay in her room. She’d unfurl soon enough, push back Johnny’s death like she did Jackie’s, but this would be hard. Lost two of the people she loved the most in the span of a few weeks, and there was no real way to cope with it. If Johnny was gone and she was here, it meant she had time. Time she didn’t want, for it would be time spent utterly alone.

A second attempt at contact most likely, she heard the door to the room open, boots being kicked off. Judy was probably in it for the long haul if she was taking off her shoes, probably trying to comfort V. She had a heart of gold, and V hated that she wasn’t able to give anything back to Judy at the moment. Hand on her side, it felt larger than Judy’s should have been, and the squeak the bed made was definitely louder than it was when Judy sat on it last time. Curiosity overtaking her need to store herself away, she turned around, expecting her mind to be playing tricks on her, and it was just Judy there to try again.

And maybe it was. Sitting there, in a black t-shirt and jeans, two flesh arms, hair pulled back, and those damn aviators on his face, was Johnny. Slowly, as if this mirage could fade to dust, V sat all the way up, Johnny moving to sit on the bed better. “Guess I was right, again. Nickname ‘princess’ does suit you. Welcome to the world of the living Sleepin’ Beauty.” His left hand, now organic and warm, touched her arm, rubbing there, the other taking off the shades and placing them on the bed.

“Am I dreamin’?” Everything felt real, nothing like when she dreamed before. But, lucid dreams weren’t out of the realm of possibility. He chuckled at her question, shaking his head.

“Nah. I’m a real fuckin’ dick in your dreams, trust me. If this were a dream I’d be punchin’ your lights out, ‘cause now that we’re safe, I’m still pretty pissed about you makin’ the deal with Hanako.” She’d address that later, taking the time now to reach out and touch him, palm pressed to his cheek, thumb resting on the corner of his mouth.

“Oh shit...Johnny...” Jumping into him, arms wrapped around him so tight even she couldn’t breathe, V’s questions and whatever answers he would give could wait. However it happened, whoever they had to make a deal with, the events that led to right now, when Johnny held her back just as tight, it didn’t matter. She had him. He had her. Getting used to not hearing his constant thoughts would take time, but it was time she had. Time they had. And if he wanted they could spend it together in some capacity.

“Fuck I missed you, V.” Moving so she was in his lap, arms still holding her close, it was a lot more comfortable than the awkward jump she made at him. “Been out for a damn week – thought it was gonna be longer. Thought...somethin’ messed up.” Those words made him squeeze tighter around her, and V just let him hold her, the act so nice. They’d never touched like this before, their only contact that she could remember was on that rooftop. But fuck. She needed this.

“Dunno what happened to me...can’t remember anythin’ past the trip to the space station, but...I’m here...You’re here. Fuck...” The need to cry again strong, she let herself sob into his shoulder, not caring if he saw her as weak. Like it or not, and she certainly tried to stop it, Johnny knew this side of her too. A soft, “Oh, princess,” from him as he held her closer still, and that’s all she needed.

“Ahem,” cutting through their reunion, V popped her head up like a Meerkat on high alert, wiping her face as best she could before Judy saw. “Hate to break up the tender moment, but V’s body hasn’t had solid food in it yet. Since Panam’s here with her ride, we’re gonna pick up some stuff in a minute. ‘Fore I do that, though, gotta remove the tube.” Before V could ask, Johnny moved her from his lap, leaning her back against the wall.

“Which one of us is gonna remove that thing? Fuck, who put it in?” Looking between them, Johnny was just looking up at Judy who hovered over V.

“Been a week, you gonk. How’d you forget who put it in already?” Johnny’s dismissive shrug made Judy roll her eyes, putting a knee on the bed. “It was Vik when we picked her up – dumbass. Look, just hold her hand, I’m gonna get it out. And no, it’s not gonna hurt, just gonna be a little comfortable. V,” Judy saying her name made her look her way, seeing Judy’s gorgeous eyes and bright smile on her. “Doin’ better?”

“Yeah. Definitely. Sorry for bein’ weird.” Judy’s fingers traced over her cheek, V feeling the tug of medical tape on her skin. Must have a feeding tube in, given she was under for a week, missed in the panic of everything.

“Eh, don’t sweat it. Tried to tell you this asshole was just out with Panam, takin’ care of some stuff, but you were in V-land. Alright, takin’ out the tube.” On cue, Johnny took V’s hand, letting squeeze as she felt the thing snake out from her nose, shiver running through her whole body as it was freed. V should have been the one to make the dramatic “Oh! Ew!” but it was the fourth guest in that apartment, Panam walking in right as it was being removed, Judy and Johnny laughing at her as she walked away. “All set. We’ll get the other stuff offa you after you eat. Gotta make sure this body’s in workin’ order. Engram transfer was slow, given we didn’t have Mikoshi level speeds in my setup, could cause some problems.”

“Other...stuff?” Somehow the engram question was less a concern than the nebulous ‘other stuff’ attached to her body, not really liking the sound of it.

“Don’t ask, V. You’ll know when you need to know.” Lips pulled into a straight line, brows knitted, she didn’t like that response from Johnny, but she’d let it slide. “But that’s what you’re askin’? Not tryin’ to figure out how you’re sittin’ in the Little Mermaid’s under sea cavern?” Judy must have been in a good mood, letting that slip under the radar.

“I mean yeah, I wanna know, but...Honestly? Right now? I’m hungry and I got all I need, I think.” Still holding hands, V squeezed it, letting him know that yeah, she meant him. Guy was dense sometimes. 

“Suit yourself, but it’s a pretty fun story. Shit, guess we can tell you over,” Panam checked her holo, “dinner. Woke up just in time for that. And I’m damn glad you did. Johnny, just make sure you give her the --”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it Palmer. Just quit bitchin’ at me. Did the whole fuckin’ ride over from Vik’s ‘cause --”

“And I’ll continue to because you’re a fucking dick, and I’m sick and tired of listening to you complain about how I run things with the Aldecaldos, like I even care how things were done fifty plus years ago. Fuck, like I ever care what you think in general!” Well, she at least missed Johnny and Panam becoming friends, Johnny immediately going to flip her off while Panam just laughed it off. “Anyway, let’s get the food so I can get back to camp before it’s too late. And don’t worry, V, I’ll be back to see you in the morning.” Wink from Panam thrown her way, Judy giving her a light hug, and the girls were off, chatting about their days as they left the apartment.

Alone, V moved to take her hand from his, but he held it tighter, clearly wanting it there. “Rough ride to get here?”

“Got no fuckin’ idea, V. Went through a lifetime of shit. Sad you won’t remember some of it, but the other fuckery is best left out. Made that choice, and I think it was a damn smart one.” Cryptic as always, V figured he would fill in the gaps at some point. Explain how he had a new body, clean of all his tattoos and metal arm, everything looking slightly younger, with a less filled in beard. Even her own body felt different, none of her scars from merc work on her arms, no residual exhaustion from the Relic. Proxies, likely, and she’d ask later when she asked a more burning question.

“Somethin’ really important happen? You really are bein’ nice to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad about it, but it’s…out of place, given where we left off from what I remember.”

“Yeah, somethin’ important did happen. Once you’re cleared to go out places, wanna take you somewhere nice. We can talk then, alright?” V nodded, scooting a little closer.

“Sure, sounds good. Where would we go? Gonna drag me back to Pacifica so you can debate me over the damn fortune teller again?” Johnny laughed at that, it sounding so much less scraggly in this new body of his.

“Nah, gonna take you somewhere actually nice. But I’m gonna hate it.”

“Oh, so I’ll have to listen to you complain the whole time. Nice.” Smile wider than it had been in ages, V shook her head, just happy to be back with him. “Wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“I fuckin’ want it some other way, but I’ll get it later.” Cryptic fucking bullshit all over again, but damn. It was good to be back, however it happened.

All V felt was like a dream within a dream, the realization that she and Johnny were together again in a situation that wasn’t life or death. No impending doom nor imminent danger. Hand in hand, they could walk this world, and that’s all V could ask for.


	16. Epilogue: 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is just V chugging stupid idiot juice, and the next one is Johnny pointing that out

Bare. Everything about her new body was bare. Stripped of most of her implants, cyberware, even the “Johnny + V” tattoo, there was nothing that tied her to herself before, minus her memories. Even her face wasn’t exactly her own, sculpted years ago. Tracing over it in the mirror, she tried hard to remember what her old face looked like, pick out the parts of it that were still left over.

“C’mon, princess. Quit starin’ in the mirror, got shit to do today other than you bein’ a vain bitch.”

At least this new body came with the added benefit of it not containing Johnny. He was right behind her, smirking at her through the mirror, leaned against the doorframe. “Pardon me, asshole. Just gettin’ used to how I look, is all. Kinda wish some things were different...”

“That you had your old face back?”

She wanted to ask how he knew that, if he could still read her mind, but she guessed it was similar to how she felt about him. Could read him like an open book. Knew that his insult to her in the bathroom was nothing more than his playful banter, no real malice in it. If he was mad he said far worse shit.

“Yeah...Coulda been a whole new start for me. But --”

“Wasn’t there when the body was bein’ built. Ran off pure fuckin’ adrenaline after the tower raid, kinda felt like I was rubbin’ speed in my gums again actually, so I passed out right after my conversation with Panam. She and Judy were the ones that picked out the body. Woulda given you your face back best I could’ve.” Turning from the mirror to face him, V leaned back against the sink, studying him again.

He mentioned that Rogue had his copyright, something he got a little before Alt’s death. Younger, but still the same Johnny she knew, now complete with two arms and longer hair. No ink on his body, which she supposed was why he was itching to get to some parlor to get it back.

“Well, guess we both didn’t get all we wanted in a body. But, I can’t say I’m complainin’ much about our lot in life. What life are we on now? Number three?”

“Thinkin’ it’s three for both of us. That’s the charm, right? Got plans for this. Shit, plannin’ on usin’ this one to fuck my way through Watson. Never had a damn ten person orgy – might fix that. Mind if I use your bed?” Rolling her eyes, V smacked his chest on the way out, ignoring his laugh. “Promise – won’t be doin’ that. No need to.”

“Oh really? That so?” Putting on the Samurai jacket, happy she kept it hung up in her apartment, she reached for the keys to the Porsche, throwing them his way. “Other than me not lettin’ you use my place for that, what’s stoppin’ you? Figured if you copyrighted your ‘impressive cock’,” fingers doing air quotes around the words, she walked backwards out of her apartment, watching as Johnny followed, “you’d be itchin’ to use it.”

“You’ll see what’s stoppin’ me soon. First, gettin’ my ink back.” Elevator to the garage taken, V was happy to be in the passenger seat for once, not having to be the one to brave the traffic. Should have asked Johnny if he could drive, but what could she lose? Not like he was going to kill them both in a car crash now that they were free.

“You know, I fuckin’ asked Vik to chop my arm off and give me a new one while I was recoopin’ in his clinic. He’s a fuckin’ bastard, and if you didn’t love him I woulda laid his ass out.”

“Quit actin’ tough – you wouldn’t have dared. But enlighten me – why’s Vik a bastard?” Driving a lot smoother, she guessed Johnny did know this car in and out, able to move it better than she could. Also was a manual, and god knows she choked the fucking thing enough times.

“Wouldn’t chop my arm off.” Beating her head against the back of the seat, maybe she should have stayed dead.

“Why the fuck would he, Johnny!? I know people get implants all the time, but maybe somethin’ about you tellin’ the world how you got that silver arm on your first solo album mighta stuck with people!?” Talking with her hands animated in front of her, Johnny just flipped her off, hand stuck right in her face, arms smacking against each other as they did. Should have been annoying as it usually was, but it was a nice reminder that he was here in the flesh, everything feeling solid.

“Thought you didn’t listen to my scop shit, princess. It’s, and I fuckin’ quote, ‘drivel for the masses that has no real meanin’ whatsoever.’ Get that right?” Smacking his arm, he didn’t pull it back, just resting his hand on her thigh. Maybe it was because he actually had a body now and she was the closest to him, but she still found it strange how often they touched, often lingering for minutes on end.

“Oh, you got it right. I still think that,” she didn’t, “but you never shut the fuck up about it. So I’m bound to know it inside and out, you dick!” Unable to keep her composure, V started laughing first, Johnny quickly following her. “Fuck I’m glad we have this...Feel like I should miss it, even if it was only a few minutes of bein’ gone for me.”

“Sucked not bein’ able to rip into you like this. Weren’t a lot of chances to relax in that clinic or durin’ the dreams, but we did have a nice talk at the Coyote. Jus’ glad I can have ‘em with you in the real world.” Parking the car at the nearest parlor, both walked inside, Johnny already producing sketches for the artist to put on his skin.

Sitting in a nearby chair, watching the laser work on his skin, V filled through a sample book while everything was being filled in. “You upset at all that I don’t remember the dreams still?”

“Nah – know I’m not. Told you, had some fuckin’ horrible nightmares, and nobody should remember those. Got enough swirlin’ around in that fucked up head of yours anyway, don’t need more to add to the catalogue.” Black ink getting darker with each pass of the machine, and V focused there, mesmerized by the repetitive motion. “Gonna get your ink back?”

“What? You mean the stupid tat you gave me?” His nod confirmed that, and V looked at her forearm, debating if she should. Would it have the same meaning? Gave it to her, as he admitted, because he thought that he would be gone soon. Give her something to remember him by, even if it did make her want to puke it was so cheesy. But he was here. Their forever, whatever that looked like, was attainable now. Even if he decided to actually fuck his way through Watson, V would still be close to him. No way she wouldn’t be. Always wanted more, but having him back was enough. Greed never led to anything good, and so she would be content with just having Johnny by her side like this. 

“Would ya want me to have it back? You’re the one who put the meanin’ into it. Would it mean the same to you if I had it back?” Left hand free, Johnny rubbed it over his chin, leaving it there over his mouth as he thought.

“Honest – think you need somethin’ better. I’ll even pay for it.” Curt laugh, and V just rolled her eyes, already feeling them strain from having him back full force.

“Yeah, okay. ‘Cause you’re payin’ for these,” sarcasm laid on thick, Johnny flashed her the most charming smile he could muster, and damn if didn’t work every time. “And since they’re my eddies fundin’ this little trip, you better not pick somethin’ stupid. The last one – served to remind me of you when you were gone. Well, now you’re here. Pick somethin’ to show that. Show that we have some time together.”

“Got an idea for that, sure.” His tattoos done, he and V swapped spots, Johnny taking her left hand in his own, inputting something into the machine for the artist. “Gonna cry like a little girl – shit hurts.”

“You just wanna hold my hand ‘cause you’re on the verge of tears after gettin’ yours done. It’s fine, Johnny. Don’t have to lie to me.” A tattoo was no big deal compared to months of merc work, and as soon as the laser fired up she knew she was right. Felt like nothing compared to some of the blades that sliced her or the quickhacks that tried to fry her system. Looking at the machine, trying to see what he picked, she heard Johnny clear his throat, pulling her attention to him.

“Eyes on me, princess. It’s a surprise.”

“Alright, fine. So, while we wait, where’re we goin’ next? I don’t really have anywhere I need to be, so if you have plans I’d love to hear ‘em.”

“Got some unfinished business with Misty, then I promised I’d take ya somewhere nice, right? First day of freedom, and I’m makin’ good on that. Any objections?” V shook her head, hissing a little when the machine switched, a stronger laser on her skin.

“None from me. But what business with Misty do you have?”

“Got a readin’ in one of the dreams. Told Misty about it while I was at Vik’s, and she said we can’t leave it incomplete. Bad mojo or some fuckin’ bullshit. I like Misty, but I tune out half the shit she says.”

“Do that with everyone, not just Misty.” Chancing a glance, Johnny just squeezed her hand, enough of a warning for V to look back at him. “Alright, is this tattoo almost done?”

“Yeah, yeah, maybe a minute more, just be patient. Such a bitch all the time.”

“Yeah, well you went outta your way to bring me back. Coulda left me in Mikoshi – lived your life a free man without me.” Said as a joke, it had the opposite effect, making Johnny look at her like she told him she was dying.

“Oh, V. You don’t know how wrong you are.”

Machine turning off, V was finally free to see what he picked for her. Tucking some of her hair behind her ear, she inspected her forearm, a little daffodil in place of her “Johnny + V”. “Ya know, I don’t think I told you about the first dream I had in this body. Woke up in someone’s backyard, a daffodil laid next to me. That somethin’ from the dreams we had together?” Helping her up, Johnny made sure she was steady on her feet before they left, V flicking the artist some eddies on the way out.

“Couple of ‘em, actually. Left out a few of the dreams when I was retellin’ shit. I’d like to tell you about them after tonight.” Back in the Porsche, both of them made their way to Misty’s, V still looking at her forearm the whole way over.

“Almost regret not gettin’ the old one put back. So used to it bein’ there, ya know? Funny how things like that’ll stick with you. But...I really like it. Means more to you, and that’s what matters.” Window rolled down, Johnny just let his left arm hang out of it, telling her that he had no itch to get back into smoking now that his body didn’t crave it as much.

“Don’t worry, you’ll see why. Gonna make you piece part of this shit together yourself. See if that gonk brain is worth a damn now.”

Finding their way to Misty’s, Johnny had his hand on her back the entire walk from the car to the shop, and V was really starting to think something was up. Many a choom had put their hand on her back as they walked, usually right between the shoulder blades. Shit, Jackie used to sling his arm around her like if he didn’t she’d float off like a balloon. But no choom put it close to her lower back. Glancing over her shoulder at him, Johnny just smiled down at her like he always did, and she guessed maybe this is just how he was with his close companions. Well, close companions he didn’t want to fuck. Definitely would have let her know if she let slip about her feelings.

Pushed through the door, Misty immediately rounded the counter, pulling V into a tight hug. “Oh honey, I’m glad to see you. You’re looking so good.” Hands still on her shoulders as Misty pulled back from the hug, V was happy to see her too. See everyone. Shit, she’d make a visit to Vik when this was done, all before going off with Johnny god knows where.

“Thanks, Mist. I...I missed you. Missed everyone, but damn. Missed you a lot.”

“Have your sappy moment later, we got biz to take care of.” Every grumpy, Johnny apparently had an internal timer that was running out, wanting nothing more than to leave. “Misty, said you’d finished the readin’ – well let’s get it over with.”

“So you remembered – good. Tell me,” walking back behind the counter, Misty pulled out her deck, fanning them out to look. V sat on the stool next to Johnny, shoulder touching his arm. “Which card was pulled first and where did I place it?”

“Fuck Misty, you think I remember that shit?” Misty didn’t budge, just waited for his reply. “Alright, pulled Death first and placed it….Here.” Finger tapping the middle of the counter, Misty found the card and placed it down.

“Upright?” Johnny nodded, and Misty left it alone, turning her attention to shuffling the rest of the deck. “So the dream was giving you a three card read. First card with Death, the part of your journey already undertaken. A card about transformation, and it’s clear what that meant.” A new body, a new life, Johnny with her as a friend instead of an enemy and intruder. Transformation indeed. “Let’s see what the next card is.”

Laying it down, the image of The Star was there, Misty smiling fondly at it. “The Star...All about working through hardships and having hope for the future. You two really have gone through so much, and all that’s left is to look forward as you keep going. I doubt that it’ll be something you do alone, so whatever’s in store I know you two can handle it.” Nudging her with his shoulder, Johnny's body still solid, V leaned into him, relieved that she wouldn’t be alone. A future...She had one she looked forward to again.

“Last card,” flipping it over, V went wide eyed at the one Misty pulled, “The Lovers.”


End file.
